Making peace with our past….

I’ve been away from the computer for awhile as I’ve been in the middle of a move. We are all settled in now and I hope that time allows me to write and share more of what is on my heart….where God continues to lead me.

 This morning my heart is somewhat heavy.  I have so many mixed emotions, so many thoughts and not sure how to process them all. If you have followed my story you will know that I was raised by my aunt and uncle….they were the only parents I’ve known.

My uncle passed away several years ago and last night I received the phone call that I knew would soon be coming and I’ve been expecting. My aunt passed away peacefully last night. Strange that even though one expects it we are never really prepared for it. I confess that at the moment when I received the news my eyes welled up with tears but that was a far as they came. I never wept, or gave way to grief. I sense it is in there, but for now I am just allowing the Lord to help me process my heart.

This past summer I was able to spend an afternoon with my aunt. It was a healing time, a joyous time even. We didn’t talk or rehash the past instead I chose to let it all go and focus on the present…. I sensed that she, knowing her time here was limited, was making peace with everyone….with me, with my daughters.

Because of this time together I can honestly look back without regrets. I’ve made peace with my past, with my relationship with her, with what wasn’t and what was. God has healed so many hurts and wounds and He truly restores the years the locusts have eaten. He has blessed me beyond what I could have ever imagined.

In the wee hours of this morning as I reflected on where I am today I am thankful that God has walked this path with me. That He has shown me His love, healing and kindness…..that because of Him I can walk in victory and freedom….because He is the lifter of my head I can walk with confidence and in love….I can look back on this relationship with my aunt, this fractured relationship as it was, no pretense, no judgment, and no condemnation, with forgiveness given and forgiveness sought….and I can’t help but wonder if sometimes who we are today and what we offer to those around us, the legacy we are leaving to our own children and grandchildren, is not because of what we were taught, shown or given but just maybe because of what we never had….perhaps we learn and grow from what we’ve not had or been shown rather than in spite of it.

A Scripture keeps coming to mind as I write this is 1 Corinthians 1:26 to 29 “Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you.  Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world; things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.”

 As a child I was powerless, I was counted as nothing to my family, yet God did not see me as I saw myself or as others may see me…..As it says further down in verses 30 & 31; “God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. Therefore, as the Scriptures say, “If you want to boast, boast only about the LORD.”

Christ makes us pure and holy, and He frees us…therefore we can boast only about the Lord…and that is truly what is in my heart today….Jesus is the One who is my healer, my refuge, my counselor, my advocate, my victor….He alone is the lifter of my head…He allows me to leave a different legacy than the one given to me…He changes our legacies and gives us a new song, a new story, a new life….He is God and He is good!!

As I lay there this morning in the predawn my mind went to my grandchildren, and the joy I feel when they wrap their little arms around my neck to give me a big hug…. and their little voices are music to my ears as they delight because their grandma is here… God has given me a new song, a new legacy….I am thankful…and I am at peace…..