It’s hard to condense one’s story to fit a page when there are so many layers to it. In a nutshell; my mother abandoned me as a baby through death. My father abandoned me by allowing his infant daughter to be taken away from him. He found it easier to give up his daughter than it was for him to give up his drinking.
I grew up in a home of abuse, my surrogate mother abandoned me by pretending to not know what was going on. Needless to say I grew up not trusting anyone and feeling used rather than loved. Then as a teenager one night I experienced date rape……my heart became one fragmented, bloody and broken mess.
But God’s hand was on me all along…..
Before I allowed God to do a work of healing in my life I did a lot of pretending. Whatever I thought people wanted me to be, that was what I tried to be. I wore many masks, trying to be accepted by everyone. I lived in fear and pain.
And then I met the Healer……the One who became my very best friend…..the One who touched my life rather than my body, and in that touch gave back to me my life.
And together we began the journey to emerge from the tangled and dark woods of abuse, into the light of freedom, happiness, freshness, health, self-respect, and peace so that I would never again have to live as a victim.
Abuse is no longer the driving force in my life. Yes there are still moments in which I may recall some ugly memory, and there may be times I still engage in negative self-talk but I also know victory and healing…. and daily with Jesus I am learning to walk out my healing with victory.
“And we shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free.”
Why the name Tamar…..because Tamar and all the women in the Bible give me hope…. Jesus loved these women. And like these women God also invited me out of the shadows and into His arms. He called my name. I was thirsty and He gave me His living water. He called me to live.
He takes me in His arms and draws me close. And as I He draws me close I learn to dance in the arms of my Lord, I go where He leads, turn where He directs, follow in His footsteps, and grow in His love….
Jesus is my living hope…He took me by the hand and walked me out of the dark, the dark and tangled woods of abuse and rape…. He led me into the light, His light….no longer do I need to be afraid. He continues to offer me hope~for healing and for freedom.
In the arms of Christ I am given grace, dignity, peace and a righteous confidence. Because I finally see that since the day I was born, God has been passionately in love with me…and His invitation is life!
“I have heard your prayer and seen your tears.
I will heal you.”
2 Kings 20:5
His beloved daughter,
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As I struggle to find the correct words to introduce myself to you, I am finding the panic setting in. The heaviness in my chest is making it difficult to breathe. The little voice is whispering in my ear that no one really wants to know me, my story doesn’t matter, if you really knew me……. I am feeling vulnerable, fearful. For anyone familiar with Twelve Step programs, this attempt to give you an overview of my life feels like a repeating of Step Four “Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves” and Step Five “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” The good, the bad, and the ugly right here for you to determine my worthiness.
I was raised in a Christian home with two Christian parents and one younger brother. A loving, supportive, nurturing household where I was provided with many opportunities to be involved in music and sports to explore my gifts and talents. I have many fond memories of family activities and outings. I attended Sunday school, girl’s clubs, youth groups, church retreats, summer camps. A year of Bible College followed my high school graduation. And if you are waiting for the big but, there isn’t one coming from here.
What did happen that greatly affected my well being was the immeasurable damage and devastation of sexual sin. Both my own and other’s. I have played the role of both victim and perpetrator in this arena. Sexual sin has been the underlying, hidden, destructive force of forty of my forty seven years of life in varying forms: childhood sexual abuse, premarital sex, adultery, pornography addiction, sexual anorexia.
And yet I am being supernaturally healed by a power that is far greater than my pain and brokenness. A power that has been with me all along. Just waiting for me to accept the forgiveness, grace, mercy and extravagant love that He so passionately desires to lavish upon me every moment of every day. God. My Heavenly Father. My Abba Daddy.
The tears of Jesus mingled with mine to wash away and redeem what I thought was beyond hope and restoration. He drew me to Himself, held me close and then gently set my feet on a path of healing. Holding my hand tightly in His, we continue to walk this journey together as best friends, showing me the glory of creation, revealing the miracles surrounding me, bringing me freedom, hope, love, confidence, joy, worthiness, wholeness. I am a new creation, a transformed woman, and more wonderfully me than I have ever been. My heart has been given a new song to sing. His name is Jesus.
Love and blessings,
He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:3