About Tamarshope and Cynthia

TAMARSHOPE

It’s hard to condense one’s story to fit a page when there are so many layers to it. In a nutshell; my mother abandoned me as a baby through death. My father abandoned me by allowing his infant daughter to be taken away from him. He found it easier to give up his daughter than it was for him to give up his drinking.

I grew up in a home of abuse, my surrogate mother abandoned me by pretending to not know what was going on. Needless to say I grew up not trusting anyone and feeling used rather than loved. Then as a teenager one night I experienced date rape……my heart became one fragmented, bloody and broken mess.

But God’s hand was on me all along…..

Before I allowed God to do a work of healing in my life I did a lot of pretending. Whatever I thought people wanted me to be, that was what I tried to be. I wore many masks, trying to be accepted by everyone. I lived in fear and pain.
And then I met the Healer……the One who became my very best friend…..the One who touched my life rather than my body, and in that touch gave back to me my life.

And together we began the journey to emerge from the tangled and dark woods of abuse, into the light of freedom, happiness, freshness, health, self-respect, and peace so that I would never again have to live as a victim.

Abuse is no longer the driving force in my life. Yes there are still moments in which I may recall some ugly memory, and there may be times I still engage in negative self-talk but I also know victory and healing…. and daily with Jesus I am learning to walk out my healing with victory.
“And we shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free.”

Why the name Tamar…..because Tamar and all the women in the Bible give me hope….  Jesus loved these women. And like these women God also invited me out of the shadows and into His arms. He called my name. I was thirsty and He gave me His living water. He called me to live.

He takes me in His arms and draws me close. And as I He draws me close I learn to dance in the arms of my Lord, I go where He leads, turn where He directs, follow in His footsteps, and grow in His love….

Jesus is my living hope…He took me by the hand and walked me out of the dark, the dark and tangled woods of abuse and rape…. He led me into the light, His light….no longer do I need to be afraid. He continues to offer me hope~for healing and for freedom.

In the arms of Christ I am given grace, dignity, peace and a righteous confidence. Because I finally see that since the day I was born, God has been passionately in love with me…and His invitation is life!

“I have heard your prayer and seen your tears.
I will heal you.”
2 Kings 20:5

His beloved daughter,

Tamarshope/Connie

Why I chose the name Tamarshope as my pen name.

You can also follow me on Twitter as Tamarshope

You can also email me at- tearsinabottle@yahoo.ca

 

CYNTHIA

As I struggle to find the correct words to introduce myself to you, I am finding the panic setting in. The heaviness in my chest is making it difficult to breathe. The little voice is whispering in my ear that no one really wants to know me, my story doesn’t matter, if you really knew me……. I am feeling vulnerable, fearful. For anyone familiar with Twelve Step programs, this attempt to give you an overview of my life feels like a repeating of Step Four “Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves” and Step Five “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” The good, the bad, and the ugly right here for you to determine my worthiness.

I was raised in a Christian home with two Christian parents and one younger brother. A loving, supportive, nurturing household where I was provided with many opportunities to be involved in music and sports to explore my gifts and talents. I have many fond memories of family activities and outings. I attended Sunday school, girl’s clubs, youth groups, church retreats, summer camps. A year of Bible College followed my high school graduation. And if you are waiting for the big but, there isn’t one coming from here.

What did happen that greatly affected my well being was the immeasurable damage and devastation of sexual sin. Both my own and other’s. I have played the role of both victim and perpetrator in this arena. Sexual sin has been the underlying, hidden, destructive force of forty of my forty seven years of life in varying forms: childhood sexual abuse, premarital sex, adultery, pornography addiction, sexual anorexia.

And yet I am being supernaturally healed by a power that is far greater than my pain and brokenness. A power that has been with me all along. Just waiting for me to accept the forgiveness, grace, mercy and extravagant love that He so passionately desires to lavish upon me every moment of every day. God. My Heavenly Father. My Abba Daddy.

The tears of Jesus mingled with mine to wash away and redeem what I thought was beyond hope and restoration. He drew me to Himself, held me close and then gently set my feet on a path of healing. Holding my hand tightly in His, we continue to walk this journey together as best friends, showing me the glory of creation, revealing the miracles surrounding me, bringing me freedom, hope, love, confidence, joy, worthiness, wholeness. I am a new creation, a transformed woman, and more wonderfully me than I have ever been. My heart has been given a new song to sing. His name is Jesus.

Love and blessings,

Cynthia

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:3

 

19 Comments

19 thoughts on “About Tamarshope and Cynthia

  1. Blake, welcome and glad that you popped in. Dan Allender is an amazing and annointed author, one of my favorites. The Lord has used his writings to bring understanding and clarity, which also enabled me to find the courage to remove the bandaids that covered my wounds and to open them up to the work of the Holy Spirit.
    We hope you will be back and share your journey with us.
    Blessings.

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  2. your website and candid sharing is very refreshing, the church is so caught up in the appearance of health rather than health itself. Our bleeding hearts have no safe places anymore — thanks for being one of the rare safe places to go. a wounded and friendless being

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  3. Hi, your website is very refreshing because of the open and shear real quality it holds. Thanks for sharing so beautifully about such harsh and ugly wounds – wounds I too possess but have been unable to fully deal with as of yet. I have begun to bring my pain to the cross – Halleluiah to our Lord, a man acquainted with sorrows and suffering.

    God Bless

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    • Daniela, thank you for leaving a comment and for your vulnerability in sharing of your heart….too many women and men are the “walking wounded” and too many feel that they have no one to turn too, no one who will listen, and no one who would understand the depth of their pain~know this dear heart, you are not alone…I look forward to hearing more from you…please feel free to share more of your story, more of your journey….
      Praise the Lord that indeed we have one who walks with us through the pain and brings his healing balm to our wounds as we bring each one to Him!!

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  4. Good web site. I think one area of abuse many forget are those verbal and emotional abuses that pastors go through. Yes many pastors have been abusive, but so to have many good meaning people towards the pastor.
    Having been in the ministry for 30 some years, I have heard and seen how mean Gods people can be to a pastor. Many a tear has been shed, a great deal of confidence shattered, feelings of betrayal and as well failure for the men and women on pastoral leadership. They are gifts from God who often feel the sting of abuse from many areas of life. I know! Keep up the great work, we need healing to.

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    • Thank you for your encouraging words~ yes, sadly Pastors, their wives and families are not exempt from verbal and emotional abuse…our churches should be a “safe” place for all involved, a place where we are built up and not torn down, a place where words of life and not death are found…

      Emotional abuse is most always a component of physical, sexual, and verbal abuse, but it can also stand alone.
      In all cases of abuse, including verbal and emotional, the perpetrator uses intimidation, humiliation, isolation and fear to diminish their persons sense of self and sanity.

      It still shocks me when people think they can verbally vomit over another whenever they want, and whenever they want without any regard for the other person … that they have the right to yell or scream, to insult or make mocking/sarcastic comments….others use extremely negative criticism, having total disregard for feelings….while others are more subtle using manipulating words….
      Even when people agree to disagree it can be done in a way that offers dignity to the other…
      This is a good reminder to all of us to pray for and encourage our pastors…..they are deserving of our time as they pour themselves and their time into so many lives….

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  5. Came upon your site in a crisis with a verbally abusive father. I’ve only read a few pages, but intend to read more…you really put things into perspective for me – gave words to thoughts I had but didn’t know how to express. Accepting the fact that I am powerless to control how others think is something I need to learn, now, at the tender age of 48, and remembering to put things into God’s hands instead of trying to take them into my own is a big step for me. It’s going to be my first priority from this day forward. Thanks for being here!

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    • Jenny, I am so sorry to hear about your Father….words are so damaging and devastating….I pray that God will use my story and my words to encourage and affirm you, and to give you hope…with God we can stand up on the inside in the face of discouraging and hurtful situations, trusting always that He has our back and that He will give us the strength to do what needs to be done…
      Praying for you….

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  6. Thank you for checking out my blog! I’m glad you found something helpful or encouraging. I applaud you for your courage to share the nitty gritty of your lives and be so honest. I believe our vulnerability makes a way for others to feel safe to share and deal with their hurts. Isn’t it good to know that we aren’t alone in our journey? Most importantly that we have a loving Savior in Jesus and our Father God who longs for us to be in relationship with him no matter what has been done to us or what we’ve done. Thank you for sharing your hearts!

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