Finding rest and freedom in following my Father’s leading….. January 9, 2012

Continuing on from the previous post, Coloring inside the lines  regarding the topic of mask wearing, of hiding and of striving, God is choosing to minister to this “recovering perfectionist” through an intimate women’s study that I am involved in. We are reading the book: Grace for the Good Girl; letting go of the try hard life, by Emily P. Freeman.

  Following is something Carolyn, one of the women from our group, shared during one of our bible study times….it is shared from the heart of a woman who is also on a journey, a beautiful sister in Christ and a cherished friend, whose heart our heavenly Father is pursuing….she is getting a taste of the freedom He offers and what it means to walk in the confidence of God’s grace, and I am so thankful that I am on this journey with her…..And as I share it with you today it will give you a glimpse into not only her heart, but also a glimpse of our Father’s heart, His heart for you….

These are her words:

I’m currently studying a book with a few ladies, “Grace for the Good Girl” by Emily P. Freeman. In it she talks about being free of the need/drive to do and say the things we believe will please others. She speaks about taking off the masks that we so carefully put on before we step outside our door every day because we are afraid of people seeing the “real” us. She talks about being free of striving to be the person we believe others are expecting us to be. As I take the information in and mull it around I struggle with knowing how to do that? What will people think of me? Will people still like me? What would that look like? Won’t people think I’m rude, lazy, a failure? How do I balance out this letting go of perfection?

Dec 10th – 3am.

The Holy Spirit spoke clearly to me and very lovingly and gently addressed my questions. He spoke to me about balance. I was struggling to figure out how to find balance between the perfectionist/good girl and who I would be if I were free from the need to try and please others. My question of “what would that look like” was based on my fear of what others would think of me if I was not always pleasant, happy, agreeable, and available to help.

But God showed me I need to change the center “pivotal point” of my balance scale. I should not be focused on trying to please people. My focus needs to be my Father.

When Jesus was on earth was he always smiling? I’m sure he was not. Did he always answer people that he was fine? Again, not. Did he heal everyone? No. Was he kind to every person he met? No. There were those he rebuked. Was he always pleasant? No. Did he always do the things others though he should be doing? Absolutely NOT! So to sum it up he was unpleasant at times, unhappy, angry. He left some people dissatisfied (according to their worldly wants/desires)……yet he was doing the will of his Father. YES!

That is how my focus has to change. As Emily mentions so many times in her book I need to follow my Father. Then do not feel guilty that I am not pleasing people.

I was created to worship God and I am here at this time to draw close to Him and do the things that please him.
If that does not please “man” that is where the word “fine” fits.

And as I give myself permission to stop trying to please “man” and desire to please God I know that also frees me from judging others. I can allow them to be free to do the Father’s will in their lives and not require them to do what I think God’s will might be for them.

I need to change the fulcrum in my scale from man to God. When I do that I no longer need to know what it will look like. I will be free in following my Father’s leading.

This Christmas season I will light a candle…. December 16, 2011

All too often it is at the holiday season WHEN THE PAST AND THE PRESENT COLLIDE. Whether through loss, divorce or estrangement we try to capture what we once had or we try and blot out bad memories. We try to ignore the empty chair and we try to ignore the pain and emptiness in our soul.

While most of the world seems to be addressing holiday greeting cards and planning holiday menus, those who have lost someone or a relationship are struggling with other concerns: How long does the grief last? Will the holidays always be this dreadful? What do we do with the empty place at the table? What is there to be thankful for this year?

 It’s difficult to get that place in our hearts when we can admit that nothing seems quite right in our house or in our heart this season. We may ask ourselves if we can ever be happy again? Will the sights and sounds of the holiday season ever touch us again? Will there ever be LIGHT again?

Maybe we hold our breath and hope the holidays go quickly. We doubt we can endure too long. We sit in the dark, because we think we have forgotten the light.

We wish for some sign of hope in the season of icicles, some magical sign that will keep us going until the warmth of spring arrives. We turn on all the lights in an attempt to chase away the pain, grief or loneliness.

We have EXPECTATIONS of the season, for each other and for ourselves. All too often we have a mental picture of how things ought to be. And perhaps all too often we have to admit that those expectations are based more on fantasy than reality. Or perhaps we measure success and happiness on how close we come to those expectations.

Handling the holidays may not be so much a question of how to eliminate pain and grief from our lives, but how we can learn to live with the hurt and grief rather than be consumed by it.

Yes, celebration is the theme of this season, and real life, with all its blemishes and pains, is brushed away into the dark corners of silence. However, if we chose to peek into the shadows, we will see the harsh realities that exist and are even magnified during the Christmas season. All too often the desired “peace on Earth” is disrupted by intrusive circumstances such as difficult family members, the death of a loved one, financial strain, isolation, and loneliness.

And if we ignore those visited by such unwelcome strangers is to fail in living out the very spirit of this sacred season.

And so today, as your sister in Christ, I desire to be present with you and to listen to your hearts, and to pray with you. Although I haven’t all the answers I can go to the One who does, the One who offers hope and healing.

Today I will light a candle, and as I do I will send up a prayer…..lighting a candle is a way of remembering, a way of healing, and a way of bringing hope.

A solitary candle brings light to the darkness and serves as a reminder of the power of the human spirit. The flickering flame ignites something deep inside us that connects us to each other.

As Erasmus noted; if we give light, and share light we can watch the darkness disappear.

 Lighting a candle begins by taking a moment to slow down, to focus on our intention and decide on the reason we are lighting our candle.

I invite you to light one with me, either for yourself or for those who are struggling this Christmas season…. light a candle to remember a loved one, a past relationship, or whatever other significant loss or losses that you or someone may currently be experiencing.

There is a soothing, healing effect in lighting a candle. A solitary candle brings light in the darkness; it is also a symbol of the human spirit.

The hope is that when we light a candle, it’s a reminder that Christ is alive and is the light of the world. And as we sing the Christmas carols it’s a reminder that it’s the most wonderful time of the year, not because we have to be cheery and merry, but because we don’t. God still comes to be with us. It’s OK to acknowledge loss and sadness. That’s why Jesus came – for the lonely. He came to minister to people who are hurting.

I am reminded of the words to a song by Kathy Troccoli-Go Light Your Candle;

We are a family, who hearts are blazing

So let’s raise our candles light up the sky

Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus,

Make us a beacon in darkest time

Coloring inside the lines…. November 7, 2011

My grade 4 elementary school year held such promise for me. My new teacher was from England and she spoke with a delightful accent. She was also pretty and it wasn’t long before I adored her.

I was a quiet, compliant student and very attentive, especially when my teacher talked. I could have sat for hours listening to her voice, soaking it in. I was enamored by her and wanted to please her and wanted to be special to her.

Looking back, I think in the mind of a 9 year old I envisioned my mom through her.  I knew that my mom had been from England and therefore she had an English accent even though I had never known her or heard her voice. She died when I was 6 months old and I was being raised by my aunt and uncle.  Back then there were no video cameras so she was never recorded and I was left to only imagine her voice.  All I had of her were a couple of blurry, black and white photos.

I remember the assignment vividly. We were to use our imagination and design and draw our own line of clothing. I was excited; finally I could do what I loved to do the most, which was draw. I would spend hours at home drawing, mostly horses and people….I could do this project!!

I eagerly began to design a girl wearing western wear. As a little girl who grew up on a farm surrounded by horses, my dream was to be a cowgirl and so this was perfect, I would design a cowgirl outfit, complete with cowboy boots and hat.

But I didn’t stop there!  Along with the girl I drew a horse beside her….I was on a role! I thought why not, when I saw ads in the magazines I always noticed the extra props and images used, so why not add a horse to my design.

I colored very carefully both the model and the horse, outlining and filling in the best I could. I very proudly took it to her and placed it on her desk along with the other drawings from my classmates.

Later that day as we sat on the floor encircling our teacher I eagerly awaited her compliments on my drawing, thinking she would be impressed with my imagination and my talent.

But instead of the expected grand compliment she held up my picture for the class to see and proceeded to scoff at the fact that I had a horse included.

“Who puts a horse in the picture”, she said, “it doesn’t belong”. The class laughed and I was humiliated. I thought that adding the horse was complementary to the western wear I’d designed, but I was wrong, and I was embarrassed and humiliated and I was a failure.

That day as a little girl I vowed to never, ever, do anything that would bring attention to myself again.

I would always color inside the lines….I would always do exactly whatever was asked of me. Who did I think I was…..

Author David Seamands once wrote, “Children are the best recorders, but the worst interpreters.” I find this to be so true. As children we can often vividly remember smells, colors, moments, feelings and conversations…our memories may be clear but the meanings from those memories may or may not be.

That day in the classroom I “recorded” what happened. But the deep hurt and rejection I felt and the voice that spoke in my head telling me to hide and never bring attention to myself was a bad “interpreter”.

As a child, who wasn’t capable of reason as I am today, allowed my teachers words (as well as the words of others) to shape what I thought of myself and how I lived….. And if I am honest, although I can rationalize my teacher’s reaction as thoughtless or tactless, if I am honest I admit that I still struggle at times to not live in hiding, to color only inside the lines, to never bring attention to myself.

Some of you may wonder why one incident would make such an impact, but to the little girl who believed so many lies already, it was simply one more rejection…one more hope dashed, one more humiliation, one more negative response in a long line of abandonment and dismissals.

The little girl in grade 4 had already formed an image of herself….she saw herself as unwanted…she believed she was the little girl that nobody wanted. She believed the lie she was worthless. She lived as one at such a tender young age who already knew what striving meant. What performance looked like in order to gain approval.

 As a little girl, I learned very early that I had to be perfect because when I wasn’t I paid for it. I learned to color inside the lines….And now years later as an adult, I am a woman who still wrestles at times to color outside the lines….to not want to hide, to let go of the striving to be the good girl, to be accepted and approved of. Even now there are times of not wanting to be known, fearing that people will think of me as stupid or wrong, that I am a poser after all.

 Although my past has been sordid my present is predictable. It is a place that I feel safe…..hiding from the things I fear.

 And though the drive to “color inside the lines” serves me well at times, it can sometimes be an obstacle to enjoying God’s grace and love.

Ephesians 2:8 says, “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God.”

 

 The beautiful gift of Jesus is that he longs to call us out from behind the masks we wear, the lives of hiding and the lies we believe and into the hiding place of grace….

God created you and me to be something special, unlike anyone else who has or will ever live.

If you are a follower of my blog I do hope that you will join me as I unpack this whole area of hiding…of mask wearing…as I continue in my journey of shedding the heavy cloak of striving and running into the arms of Jesus, the ONE who offers me freedom…as He offers it to all of us…..

My friends…..

Don’t be afraid to dance when others sit on the sidelines.

Don’t be afraid to sing when the world tells you to be quiet.

Don’t be afraid to offer your voice when others demand silence.

Don’t be afraid to zig when others zag.

Don’t be afraid to color the world with your presence.

Don’t be afraid to color outside the lines.

Life Hurts-God Heals Us October 18, 2011

[healing:] the gut-wrenching journey through brokenness toward restoration, wholeness, and a fully alive heart

Scars are a testimony to the love of God that is stronger than my pain…a love that never gives up, even when I wanted too…..

None of us escape the pain and hurts of life.  To live is to hurt, and we all have the wounds and the scars to prove it.
But regardless of how we’ve been wounded we all face a common question: “What should we do with our pain? Should we stoically ignore it? Should we just “get over it”?  Or should we optimistically hope that everything will work out in the end? “

All too often I think that if we fail to respond appropriately to the wounds life and relationships inflict, our pain will be wasted; it will numb us or even destroy us.

But our suffering doesn’t have to devastate our hearts and rob us of joy. It can, instead, lead us to life—if we know the path to healing-Jesus!!

I believe it was Dan Allender who said: “Healing is not the resolution of our past; it is the use of our past to draw us into deeper relationship with God and his purposes for our lives.”

Real healing isn’t just about finding relief from the suffering; it’s an open door to see God (and ourselves as well) in a fresh new way….to see the world through new eyes.

I don’t know about you, but when life gets crazy for me I tend to want to do anything to feel better…to numb the pain. Sometimes I can easily become consumed about fixing the problem in my own way and in my own strength, relying on my own limited amount of wisdom.

Or I can become addicted to doing….living a perfectionistic, totally put together life.  

Occasionally I shut down my heart so I don’t feel anything. Or maybe now and then I will cling to anyone or anything that makes me happy, so I end up addicted to an unhealthy relationship or situation.

Can you relate to any of these as well? How do you run from pain and brokenness in your life? Do you bury your head in the sand, become indifferent or try to fix it? Do you feel stuck or depressed? Or maybe you feel hopeless and alone?

In Psalm 13, David was upset and hurt. Four times in the first two verses he pleads with God, “How long O Lord?” He even questions God, wondering if He has forgotten him. Yet by the end of the Psalm David expresses confidence in God’s power to rescue him.

When we run to God we find a safe place to be honest with our pain….we can pray and ask God for the courage to open our spirit and deal with the core of our brokenness and loss. Never does He tell us to just get over it, never does He shame us when we are in pain, and He is certainly never shocked.

Rather, He enters our pain with us and remains present in His love and strength even if everyone else walks away, deserting us. The bible says that God is close to the brokenhearted and those crushed in spirit…..He promises us in His word that He will never leave us or forsake us…God cries with you, and gathers your tears in a bottle…..when we are honest with God it opens our hearts to receive his tender care, His wisdom, His strength and His comfort.

Don’t do like I did for too many years denying my brokenness….instead accept God’s invitation to bring your heart to the only one who can bring true healing. And then rest in His unfailing love for you…..

Why I chose to share my journey in a blog September 3, 2011

Have you ever felt wounded, like your heart was shattered into a thousand pieces? Have you felt like your spirit was broken? Or maybe you have felt worthless, or unloved, in such deep pain that you believed no one could understand….maybe you are living a life filled with shame and guilt….I know what all of the above feels like, I’ve been there.

This blog is my journey out of the dark and tangled confusion of abuse. It is God’s story of His healing in my life.

Our stories are food for friends to feast on together. God invites us to write and then rewrite our stories. We all need each other, to ponder our stories together, to help us write with more integrity and depth….we all need friends to laugh with and to weep with us…. we are called to tell our stories.

This blog is where I first began putting my story into the written word and it took a lot of courage…because of you, those who also know the pain of abuse and wounding, you are the ones who have feasted with me, and now my story is no longer one that I wish to deny….through this venue, my Abba Father has brought healing to me… words that felt lost to me, and a voice that was muted by shame, was awakened.

I had no idea when I first came here and began sharing my journey where it would take me, and with whom I would cross paths…but I had such a deep sense of hope…..I am honored to walk alongside many men and women of great courage, men and women who carry deep wounds yet are willing to let our Abba Father begin to heal those wounds…. 

We, as God’s children, are meant to be celebrated and honored…together we share our tears, our struggles, our laughter, and our miracles and joy….we are meant to be birthed in the care of others who know and love our story.

Through my own journey of woundedness and brokenness I pray that you will come to know that healing is possible. Do I still stumble, yes! Are there times when triggers cause me to lose my footing, yes….but, I have come to know that the love and grace of Jesus Christ is bigger than anything that has been thrown at us in this life.

Maybe like me, you’ve searched for love in all the wrong places. I eventually discovered I was searching for the wrong kind of love altogether. It was only when I came to know Jesus, the Way, The Truth and the Life that I found what true love really is.

God has taken me down a miraculous journey of healing and my desire is to journey alongside of women and men and help them to find in Jesus, the true love, acceptance, healing and freedom they are seeking.

And so it is my deepest prayer that through this blog you will see Jesus more than my own story of abuse….I pray that you will come to know that you are loved and precious to Him.

May you come to understand and know that God is both with you and for you in this journey of healing. God sees, knows, heals, restores, and redeems. May you God’s children, His daughters & sons walk in the freedom that Christ’s blood bought us….it is our birthright!

You can’t get away from a love that will not let you go. (Robert F. Capon)

Throughout my blog you will see articles written by a guest writer, Tearsinabottle….she is a precious friend, a woman of incredible courage, strength and beauty.  I am honored that she has chosen to share her stories, and I am privileged to walk alongside of her in this journey.

Welcome my friends! You are here for a reason~there are no coincidences in life. Thank you for visiting my blog. I love it when someone leaves me a comment. So please feel free to share your comments.

May the amazing grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the extravagant love of God, and the intimate friendship of the Holy Spirit be with all of you. 2 Co. 13:14

You can also reach me at my email: ezerwarrior@yahoo.ca

Prayer for our marriages….. September 2, 2011

Father God, this day we choose to lay our lives and our marriages before You to receive Your healing touch. I ask that You would keep our hearts soft toward each other and not allow any hurt to build to anger.

I ask that You make the changes in us necessary to be the husbands and wives You have designed us to be for our spouses and we release them to You that You should change them only as You will.

I pray Lord that you will protect our mind and our hearts from the lies of the enemy and fill us Heavenly Father with Your Holy Spirit. I ask you Holy Spirit to come and remove the lies that have taken root and I ask that you will plant in their place Your truth and Your love. Father, build in us a restored and new love that can never die…. for what You create will remain forever.

Father I ask You to make us tools of reconciliation. Enable us to communicate well and rescue us from the threshold of separation where the realities of divorce begin.
Father God, if love seems to have vanished then I also pray that You would speak to those hearts and souls and remind them of the love that they once knew for each other, let them rediscover that love and build in them a new and stronger love.

Father, deliver us from the bondage of past mistakes. Take away anyone and anything that would inspire temptation for our spouse.

Change in us our habits of indifference and busyness that we may not take each other for granted. I know Father God that only the transforming power of the Holy Spirit can make changes that last. I trust You to transform us and make us the husband and wife You have called us to be.

Father bring into our  lives Godly friends that they might openly share their hearts. May they be trustworthy people of wisdom who will speak truth into our lives and not just say what we want to hear.

I pray that we, as well as our spouses, will listen to Godly counselors and not be a people who are unteachable. Give each of us the strength to reject the counsel of the ungodly and hear Your voice above all others. Instruct us and our spouses even as we sleep and in the morning I pray we will do what is right rather than follow the leading of own flesh.

Father I ask that you would protect our marriages from the things and evil spirits that would destroy it.

Shield it from our own selfishness and neglect and heal the wounds that have been inflicted by such.

Shield us from the evil plans and desires of others. Set us free Father from the past hurts and ties of things that have happened outside of the marriage You designed.
I pray Father that you would convict each of us, as well as our spouses, of any error in our lives. Let there be nothing covered that will not be revealed and hidden that will not be known. Cleanse us from any secret sins and teach us to be a person who is quick to confess when they are wrong. Bring all of us to full repentance before You.

 If there is suffering to be done, let it be the suffering of a remorseful heart and not because the crushing hand of the enemy has found an opening into our life through unconfessed sin. Deliver us Father from those things that bind us. Set us free from any thing that causes us or our spouse to stumble and bring deliverance  quickly and be a rock of refuge and a fortress of defense to save.
Father, You have taught us that if we regard iniquity in our hearts, You will not hear, I beg You to hear our prayers….. I ask You to reveal where there is any disobedience in our lives, especially with regard to our spouse. Show us where we have not obeyed You and we confess it as sin and ask Your forgiveness.

Father God, nothing happens in our lives that You have not given permission, and as hard as this is I pray that we will be able to see Your glory through it.

Please Father God calm our mind and spirit. I pray that You will grant us the confidence and patience to allow Your work to be revealed. Give us the strength to take the next step in faith.
We offer our marriages, ourselves, our spouse, and our children to You Lord God that we will glorify You.
In the name of Jesus Christ I pray these things,
Amen.

I’ll build an altar to praise Him…. August 17, 2011

Today I came across something I’d written years previous: “God is asking me to go back and get the pieces of myself that I abandoned as a young girl. They are pieces of my heart that were left behind because it was just too painful to bring them with me. But now as an adult God is asking me to bring them to the forefront again, to remember them, to bring them to Him, because now as an adult I need them to become the beauty that God created me to be from the beginning…. I need them because God wants to turn my ashes into beauty and He can only do that when I bring them to Him.”

As I look back on the path behind me, in my minds eye it’s as if I can see places along the way marked with an altar of stones…those places where I picked up the pieces of my heart that were lost, stolen or broken or simply never uncovered…and as I picked up each one, sometimes with deep pain and endless tears, other times with intense anger but always with an expectation and a hope, would I lay them at the feet of Jesus.

Small altars along the path of my life built with rough rocks and stones symbolizing memories, brokenness and pain that I needed to surrender, to lay down…those deep places of the heart and spirit that needed His healing touch…. these altars along the path marked my journey with the Lord.

Canadian musician and songwriter Steve Bell, whom I’ve had the privilege of seeing in concert, sings a song called: Here by the Water

Soft field of clover
Moon shining over the valley
Joining the song of the river
To the great giver of the great good

As it enfolds me
Somehow it holds me together
I realize I’ve been singing
Still it comes ringing
Clearer than clear

And here by the water
I’ll build an altar to praise Him
Out of the stones that I’ve found here
I’ll set them down here
Rough as they are
Knowing You can make them holy
Knowing You can make them holy
Knowing You can make them holy

I think how a yearning
Has kept on returning to move me
Down roads I’d never have chosen
Half the time frozen
Too numb to feel

I know it was stormy
I hope it was for me learning
Blood on the road wasn’t mine though
Someone that I know
Has walked here before

I came to the place in my life where no longer could I hide the stones that I’d been given: stones of abuse and rape, stones of abandonment and rejection. They were getting too heavy to carry so I would drop them but no longer could I step over them either.

The stones were not smooth but were jagged and rough, causing me to stumble along the path sometimes cutting my feet. As I looked back I also saw places along the trail stained with blood marking the path.

At the time, although I wasn’t sure how God could make my stones holy, deep down I knew He could, that He would.

How would He bring good out of evil, how could I sing, how could I praise Him….how could He, how would He heal me…and yet, I knew…that somehow, the God of all creation, the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End…would bring healing…I had a flicker of hope ignite deep in my spirit and I knew…I believed, and I hung onto HOPE!!

And I began to sing…as God took my bloodied and battered heart and begin to heal it, to mold it, to soften it…. I sang, and hand in hand together God and I walked this rough and uneven path.

This was certainly not the road I would have chosen as a young girl…but I am here today, alive, healing and still singing!! Why can I sing…because I know that I do not walk this road alone.

There were times along the path of healing that the stones were so sharp I felt like my heart was being ripped to shreds.

The trail is stained with my hurt, tears and grief.

But the blood on the path….the blood is not mine…it was shed for me, definitely, but is is mine, no….and the tears…well, they’re not all mine either…..

 And here by the water
I’ll build an altar to praise Him
Out of the stones that I’ve found here
I’ll set them down here
Rough as they are
Knowing You can make them holy
Knowing You can make them holy
Knowing You can make them holy

All the stones….rejection, abandonment, anger, fear, abuse, rape, self-pity, approval, addictions, striving…..today they are all holy….because I chose to lay them at the feet of Jesus and build an altar to praise Him, rough as they were….. so that He could take them from me, use them and make them holy.

And He has……

 

.

Never be afraid to ask…. August 1, 2011

 “You haven’t done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy.”  John 16:24

 I wasted way too many years searching for approval, acceptance and significance. I spent years waiting for, hoping for, and seeking the words of others hoping they would bring healing to my fractured and wounded heart.

I became a people pleaser early in life. One of the people with whom I tried desperately to get the approval of was the uncle who raised me, who I called dad. I so very much wanted him to speak words of love and affirmation.

Deep down I wanted what every little girl desires, to be told I was beautiful, that I was of value, that I was wanted and cherished…..but he never uttered those words. His heart was hard and calloused, and he saw any sentimental emotion as weak. Yet, in all sincerity I do believe he truly didn’t know how to communicate to what the heart of a little girl longed to hear.

Later I looked to boyfriends, wanting to know they found me desirable….always looking for that elusive fix that would mend my broken and bruised heart.

And I compared myself to my girlfriends and to my high school classmates but I was always found lacking.  I was always keenly aware of what I was not: I was not the cute girl, I was not the popular girl, I was not the rich girl, I was not the smart girl, I was not the girl all the boys talked about (at least not in a positive way) and I was definitely not the girl that all the other girls wanted to be like because I was the girl who gave too much of herself away for bread crumbs of love, snippets of approval and moments of acceptance….the girl child whose body was used for others gratification….the girl from the wrong side of the tracks….

I am reluctant to say that from time to time throughout my life I have fallen again into the same trap, the same way of thinking…. Comparing myself to other women and all I see is what they have that I don’t….comparing my gifts, or personality, or looks, or weight, and the list could go on….

Thankfully though, over the years I’ve come to discover that as long as I look to others, or even imagine their opinions of me, then I am looking to their opinions to have the power to heal….and as long as I am looking to others then I won’t be listening for God’s voice….and His voice is the true voice of healing!!

Have you, like me, looked to the past…still waiting for those voices of long ago to whisper those longed for words of approval….those words of acceptance and significance, believing they will bring healing to your wounded and fractured heart.

How many of us dream of going back to our high school reunions singing the popular Toby Keith song: How do you like me now???

Friends, let me tell you a truth that I have discovered….the one (or ones) who wounded and hurt you cannot heal you!!

I love the words of Ginger Garrett in her book, A Woman’s Path to Inner Beauty, where she talks about taking our wounds to God. What are we to do with our wounds? She says: “I believe our wounds are invitations for miracles….these sores persist by the grace of God to bring you a deeper healing than you ever thought possible. Your hurts remain because they need a supernatural salve. God love to tend to His daughters. He wants to heal your wounds.”

I echo her words with a loud resounding AMEN!!! Our heavenly Father is a God of lavish love, extravagant miracles, incredible gifts, and immeasurable care.

We can trust Him with our wounds…. my friends, God is waiting to do a miracle when we bring our whole selves, wounds, hurts, bruises and all, choosing to no longer hide or cover up our wounds- they are never insignificant, too small, too much, too long buried, too old…the miraculous awaits you!!!

Isaiah 42: 3- “God won’t brush aside the bruised and the hurt and he won’t disregard the small and insignificant”

Father God, I give you all of myself today, my past, my present and my future. I pray in faith in the name of my Savior Jesus Christ and because of His work on the cross I am believing  that You will heal my wounds, bind up my broken heart and show me Your miraculous love….I wait Lord for Your healing touch….

Resting in God July 20, 2011

Finally, I have a new computer desk and my computer is back up and running!!!

I must admit I felt rather lost for awhile without them and my life felt rather chaotic when my office was in such disarray.

And yet, this has been good for me since it has forced me to not be so accessible or available via the computer. And although I love to write this was in many ways an invitation to set it aside for a time and to enter into a time of more deep intimacy with my Heavenly Father, the One who stands outside the door of all the noise and busyness of my life….it was an invitation to commune with Him, in quiet and solitude. I wish I could tell you it was easy….that I effortlessly found the time to set aside all the work, all the “to do” lists, and all the expectations of others…. sorry to say it was a battle even though I knew the Lord was calling me into a time of solitude and silence, and the priceless opportunity to experience freedom from the bondage to human expectations.

God was inviting me to be still and to know….to get beyond my need for noise, words, people and performance based activity.

I’ve been down this road before….the place where my performance based activity was drowning me again, leaving me gasping for air. My body was begging for rest, my spirit felt depleted, and my soul longed for peace.

A precious friend shared something with me that changed my focus. She asked me why did I feel the need to make myself so available to others?? Good question, she even went so far as to offer one simple little change that did wonders for me…turn off my cell phone when I went for my daily walks….wow, why hadn’t I thought of that?? Why did I feel I needed to be available all the time, no matter where, and no matter what….I can honestly say that little word, “available” offered me a new way of thinking!!!

 Ruth Haley Barton said it best in her book, An Invitation to Silence and Solitude: “While our way of life may seem heroic, there is a frenetic quality to our activity that is disturbing to those around us. When we do have discretionary time, we indulge in escapist behaviors-such as compulsive eating, drinking, spending, watching television-because we are too tired to choose activities that are truly life-giving.”

 I came to realize as I cut back on my busyness, as I shut off all the technology, that on a deeper level I kept myself so busy, so available because if I stopped long enough to acknowledge my emotions I was afraid of being overcome by those feelings, feelings I would much rather not feel!! Or that I might have to face past or present losses and the emotions they invoked, or a big one for me is the emotion that engulfs me when I feel powerless to choose the kind of life I know that I am meant to live, what does one do with unfulfilled desires and longings?

It feels much too risky to enter into these poorly lit spaces in our souls….and yet, the Lord calls us into these places…and it is there that He ministers to our body, soul and spirit.

As I took the time and studied Elijah in 1 Kings 19:1-10 what struck me the most was when Elijah came to the broom tree and slept. It was here that the Lord ministered to him, gave him food and water and let him rest. God gave Elijah permission to rest, allowing his physical weariness and depletion to take priority, waking him and feeding him when it was time and then telling him to go back to sleep.

This Scripture meant so much to me as I acknowledged that I too was feeling drained…it gave me permission to rest. To give myself the freedom to notice my weariness and fatigue with compassion….and so as often as I could I would find a comfy chair and sit outside under a shady tree, and simply “be” in His presence…..I must admit that at the beginning I would fall asleep rather quickly and struggled with thinking that this was just a waste of time. But I persevered and permitted my tiredness to be what it was and see what God would do. No guilt, no shame, no judgment….just giving myself permission to notice how tired I was and to hear God’s invitation to rest.

It just might be that the most spiritual thing I have done so far this summer, to get more rest so that I am attentive when I need to be, not so tired and distracted that I no longer hear the voice of the Lord ….what freedom to allow solitude and silence as an opportunity to rest in God.

I found there is a very deep kind of refreshment when I began to incorporate rest into my times alone with God.

It was in this time of rest that like Elijah I heard God in the silence!!!

 As Dallas Willard put it: “Silence is frightening because it strips us as nothing else does, throwing us upon the stark realities of our life. It reminds us of death, which will cut us off from this world and leaves only us and God. And in the quiet, what if there turns out to be very little between us and God?”

I encourage you, especially during the busy summer months, take times of rest, of quiet and solitude, shutting out the noises of the world, being less available and choosing to become fully aware of God with you in these moments, loving you and extending compassion to you just as He did Elijah.

 Hear the words of Jesus speaking to you: “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens and I will give you rest.”

Fear drives us to run while courage helps us to heal. May 8, 2011

cour·age~noun \ˈkər-ij, ˈkə-rij\

Definition of COURAGE~ mental or moral strength to venture; persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

Courage is often defined as the ability to do something that frightens one, and also strength in the face of pain or grief.

Children who suffered abuse are usually taught two things; 1) they get punished for trying to defend themselves, and 2) they get punished for trying to express their painful and negative emotions about the abuse taking place.

Because of the abuse we often grow up with fears. One of them can be the fear of intimacy with people we know and love. We fear getting too close, we fear being known. When trust has been broken and damaged we fear connecting with others. Often we hide from people in plain sight!!

I can’t help but wonder if addictions, whether it is drugs, work, or food, in a sense it keeps us on the run, keeps others at a distance and prevents us from facing the pain that lurks below the surface.

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, When Fear Drives us to Run, my greatest fear was pain….I wanted to avoid pain at all costs. When life got messy, or when circumstances caused me pain, I ran!! I went into hiding, hoping the pain would disappear….I didn’t know how to deal with pain, what to do with it. As a child I was never given the tools to handle pain in a healthy way.

Some people have had so much pain that they are overwhelmed by it. When they think of trying to work through the pain, to face the realities of what has occurred, they want to shut down and give up.

We think that if we ignore it then it will just go away and when that doesn’t happen we try to run away and hide.

But whether we try to ignore it by hiding, or by addictions, or whether we literally move to another city or area of the country thinking that the move will allow us to escape the pain, it will follow us. There is no escaping pain, no matter how hard we try.

But there is hope…..

There is a way to work through the pain and come out on the other side healthier, stronger, and perhaps even able to help others through their own pain…but first comes having to face it.

I have come to believe that fear is based on our inability to control life….. it causes us to be anxious and focus on non-realities, imaginary and often irrational possibilities that stand precariously on the remote possibility of it acutally happening.

With permission I am sharing some very wise words regarding pain from a friend, Vern Hyndman. http://notsafebutgood.blogspot.com/

I met Vern through a Christian website and I have the utmost respect for him. He shares from a heart that has been tested and come through….he knows of what he speaks!!

 This is what he has shared with me: “Avoiding pain, the inability to effectively live THROUGH pain, fuels some of the most destructive behaviors and beliefs.

Pain, like happiness, is a byproduct. Pain, like happiness, is a gift. Pain and happiness are not destinations, happiness isn’t a place that we can move to, and pain is not a place we are sequestered to… particularly emotional pain.

Attempts to deny or avoid pain simply prolong it, but all pain generally can be managed; one cannot manage something that one refuses to acknowledge.

We cannot effectively stop pain, but we can choose our response. And truly, for ALL pain, the best response is Jesus… because Jesus treats pain holistically. Jesus doesn’t anesthetize the pain at expense to our liver, as many of our pain management schemes. Jesus does not see pain as THE problem, pain is simply the indicator that reminds us to engage the Creator… like a cosmic “check engine” light.

Most of the most valuable gifts from God in my life have been unwelcome initially.

Pain is like the wrapper that some of the best gifts from God come in. We are shaped by God into who we are by the process, and the process is painful.

To be blessed by a life with no pain is to live in blessed ignorance, with no depth of gratitude. Those who have lived through the valley of desolation, and have learned to surrender to Jesus, and who are being healed and restored, these people know how to live in a blessed moment, because they know so well what other alternatives look like.

Manning said that Jesus, when we finally embrace, is not so interested in our accolades and achievements, He wants to see the scars we took in His name.

I think God redeems pain, that He takes what we least like to talk about, and like the ultimate junkyard warrior, builds something intricate and beautiful from what was meant to kill.”

Wow, lots of good words from a wise friend….

In my own life I have learned that pain that isn’t acknowledged takes up space inside of me…I need to process it in order to find healing.

 Stephen Arturburn in his book, HEALING IS A CHOICE: Ten Decisions That Will Transform Your Life & Ten Lies That Can Prevent You From Making Them, points out that God has provided the properties to heal within every facet of our nature — bodily, emotionally and spiritually. He writes: “It takes courage to seek out, obtain, and utilize whatever resources you need to treat the untreated areas of your life. But not everyone has the courage. Not everyone is willing.”

Just as fear is based on our inability to control life so is faith: faith causes us to trust and focus on possibilities and promises that have in times past proven true for those whose hearts recognize that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

When you look at fear versus faith they have two completely different foundations and outcomes; one is based on the absolute faithfulness of an unchanging, eternal and loving Heavenly Father, while the other one is on our weak and anxious attempts to grasp at the wind.

It takes courage to bring to God the broken pieces of our life, but when we do He creates with them a masterpiece. God takes what the enemy meant for evil and supernaturally transforms it into a blessing….He takes the land of cursing and changes it into a land of blessing.

Fear drives us to run while courage helps us to heal.