Keeping it real…. July 13, 2009

I have a confession to make: I am not perfect. Most of my life I have compared myself to others, and guess what~ most of the time I am either critiquing others or critiquing myself because I somehow have fallen short.

Who you read about in these pages (me~tamarshope) is not a spiritual giant….nope, I am just a real, down-to-earth sinner saved by grace….a woman who still sometimes faces daily battles in her mind over things that should have been resolved years ago if one could have achieved perfection in this life!

The only perfect person to ever walk this earth was Jesus Christ 2000 years ago.

Sadly I have lived for so many years with the illusion of perfection. And I have spent so much of my life as the most imperfect perfectionist I know!!!

I knew life was imperfect, but I wanted my own little piece of it to be the most perfect it could be. But several years ago when the Lord called me to become authentic I realized that I had to stop trying to be perfect and start being real.

Isn’t it true that even if we strive to be perfect that it doesn’t stop the negative memories and feelings from surfacing? Through years of personal counseling, and sharing heart to heart with other victims of abuse I began to face the all-consuming issue of abuse. When I strived to be the perfect wife I learned that my quest for perfection actually alienated my husband, when I tried to be the perfect mother I found that I was controlling towards my children, when I strove to be perfect in my job, never allowing myself to fail, I burned out.

A quote from Ann Lamont says; “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.”

And from David M. Burns: “Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.”

As victims of abuse we often seek perfection in order to stop the pain or to avoid future pain. It doesn’t work. Seeking perfection just sets us up for failure, because no one is perfect. Instead I believe that as we seek to be real, it is much easier and far better for us. What a breath of fresh air when we choose to enjoy life as a journey rather than perfection as a destination.

Once we recognize our inability to live a perfect life, is there any value in admitting our failings or weaknesses to others? Should we not continue to hide them, what if admitting them causes those who are weaker in the faith to stumble?

 On the contrary~perhaps the presence of weakness in our lives leaves room for the power of God to shine through us by His abundant grace. 2Corintians 4:7 states: “We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves”

Paul is telling us here that God receives the maximum glory when others can clearly see that we, in our natural state, cannot measure up to His perfection. So perhaps it is as we minister to others they will know the blessings they receive could not possibly come from us, imperfect as we are, but only from God Himself!!

This doesn’t mean that I go around telling everyone all of my weaknesses. Certainly God would not want us to walk around telling everyone everything we have ever done wrong.  But I believe that we need balance…. Yet how does this concept translate into our everyday life? I can make the choice to be real in every situation. Not hiding my true weaknesses just to “save face”….. I know that when I have confessed my sins to a fellow Christian, a close friend, that in doing so I received healing. I found that when I’ve shared an area of weakness with a dear friend, and asked her to encourage me in that area, God has overwhelmed me with His grace as I stepped into that area of faith.

Grace – God loves and accepts me, accepts you, even in our weaknesses.

Admitting our weakness opens the way for others to help free us from the pitfalls we face every day. One of my favorite verses stirs up that heart of encouragement. Hebrews 3:13 “But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin”

We need the encouragement from those around us to help keep our thoughts focused on the positive things in our lives, so that we will not fall into a self-critical mindset.

If we continue to hide our weaknesses, and continue striving for perfection, we will miss the great encouragement, blessings and healing we can receive from others.

The King is enthralled with your beauty…. June 18, 2009

It seems when I am out in nature is when I hear the Holy Spirit the clearest. One morning as I walked the Lord showed me that when the woman in church said those words to me (that I am beautiful and I recoiled) what she was really saying to me (and what God Himself was saying) is that as I continue to walk out my healing, to walk in freedom and victory, people will see the beauty within; it is a reflection of His glory.

 It still amazes me that as I’ve experienced His healing this enables me to leave my comfortable church pew and greet people, shaking hands, hugging, smiling and offering words of life to them. I do this with a love that I’ve never experienced before, no longer closing myself off, hiding behind walls  as I once did……I think I get it~when I offer myself, this is my beauty.  

So when she said “you are so beautiful” I immediately recoiled because the old lies rose up, fear clawed at me once again and I wondered if all they saw was the outside. But God desires to bring me, to bring us, to a place where we can accept both, to offer both. As God heals, and as I continue to come out of hiding as I have been over the last several years, I hope that what people are seeing is a reflection of God himself through me. And though her comment caught me totally off guard, I recognized that God’s desire is to bring me into a deeper place of understanding and that I need to be open and let his Words….even through others…..into my heart, to let compliments penetrate my heart rather than letting them simply bounce right off and never penetrate deeper, to not flinch inwardly when I receive a compliment. Yet I realize that it’s almost more of a denial, an unbelieving when they compliment me…….and if I am totally honest there is that protective place in my heart where I wonder what is it they want from me. What will this cost me? This goes back to my childhood….something good always came with a cost.

 My husband always tells me that I don’t see what others see. Maybe that is true. Has the enemy distorted what we see?

 I was reading one morning in Lisa Bevere’s book, Fight Like A Girl, and in it was a chapter on Fighting For Beauty. These words especially spoke to me and I hope they do for all of us women on this journey. At a conference the Spirit brought forth this word to Lisa which expresses how our Lord views us;

“When I look at you I see something more…..I see promise. I see a generation of daughters so terrifying to the enemy that he will do whatever he can in his power to distort your image, pervert your beauty, and rob you of your strength and power. He is the father of lies and speaks to you through a glass but darkly. But the Father of Light longs to speak to you face to face. He wants to touch the dark places where the wounding is so deep and so severe it threatens to define your very existence. Ask, and He will allow you to behold Him. He will reach beyond the glass and call you altogether lovely and His own.The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your lord. Psalm 45:11″

 She goes on to ask- “How do we honor the Lord when it comes to the issue of beauty? The answer; we accept His words as the ultimate truth.”

He has called our beauty enthralling; do I dare call Him a liar? Will I be brave enough to receive His love? Can I let this vantage embrace me? Maybe I cannot trust the mirror, maybe I am so much more than what I see.

She ends with this prayer which I have prayed and I feel a glimmer of hope, May the Holy Spirit minister to you as He did me:

“Heavenly Father, I come to You in the name of the One who is altogether lovely, Jesus the Christ. You are making me over from the inside out. I want the countenance of a woman who refuses to give way to fear. Forgive me for saying things contrary to Your Word, which is alive. Father, You are the great Physician and the One capable of perfecting every area of my life.

We women can be lovely before You and others no matter our age.

I repent of looking to the graven image and idols of this world when I should have come to You for my strength. I renounce their hold and influence. I cast their impressions from my mind and their illusions from before my eyes. Lord, remove their veil from my eyes; I want to see You and You alone. Let Your image outshine any other in my life. Imprint me deeper than any other. Reveal Yourself to me in an intimate and real way. I give You permission to invade this private and personal area of my life. Amen”

 Ah…..the King is enthralled by our beauty……may we believe Him!!

A beauty to unveil…. June 17, 2009

John & Staci Eldredge have written a wonderful book called Captivating, it is one I highly recommend to all women. Plus I would recommend that men read it as well, especially men who have daughters. The workbook that goes with it poses a question; Are you being sought after these days?

Whatever else it means to be feminine, it is depth and mystery and complexity, with beauty as their very essence.

Now, lest despair set in, let us say as clearly as we can:

Every woman has a beauty to unveil.

Every woman.

Because she bears the image of God.

What if? What if this really is true about you–that you are a captivating woman? Let your heart go there for a moment; what does it bring?

 As I’ve thought about these questions I realize it brings me hope, hope that I can rest, hope that I need not fear beauty, hope that God will show me my beauty and as He shows me I can allow Him to romance me.

My ache is to know that my Lord sees me a beautiful, whatever that may fully mean I want to learn, to know, to understand.

I have always been afraid of being beautiful, of my essence being beauty. Yes I understand beauty is the essence of the feminine soul but it scares me. I have always been known as a feminine, graceful woman, I know that’s how others see me but I don’t see myself that way, I want to. Yet at the same time it scares me because it is the very place where the enemy wounded me. When I was 14 and was being raped by two guys (I was drugged at the time with the date rape drug, but I came to long enough to know what was happening). While I was being raped they kept telling me over and over how beautiful I was. What do you think happened to that young soul? She began to fear beauty, it meant she was something to be admired, sought after but abused.

She was betrayed by beauty.

 So that’s why beauty scares me and truthfully I don’t think I fully understand or can embrace (yet) what John and Staci are saying. In the last few years I have slowly begun to ask Jesus to show me my beauty. I see beauty all around me and I love beauty but how do I see myself? How does Jesus see me? I’ve always seen myself as plain and not beautiful, it’s a feeling of ambivalence, desiring to be beautiful yet being afraid to be beautiful.

 Something happened not to long ago in church and I know God used to get my attention; He was trying to speak to my heart. During our worship time we took some time to greet one another. As I freely moved about greeting people, which let me clarify has become much easier for me since I used to stay in my seat and let people come to me, but I can now move about and hug and greet people because I desire to connect with them. Well, something happened that was totally unexpected and shook me to the core, after one woman hugged me she took me by the shoulders, looked straight into my eyes and said- you are so beautiful.

Huh?? I really didn’t know how to respond. I politely said thank you and took my seat and for the rest of the service I struggled with desiring to believe and accept the compliment but at the same time wanting to reject it. Later as I shared this with my husband he simply smiled and agreed. But then he asked-” you don’t let these compliments penetrate your heart do you?” We both knew the answer. Compliments of any kind never penetrate my heart.

 Later that day I prayed from my heart, “Lord Jesus soften my heart, show me my beauty, and then romance me. I am afraid; I have connected beauty with pain. It assaulted my essence as a young girl and I have hardened my heart all these years to beauty, to how you see me, to how my husband sees me or how others may see me. I don’t want to live this way any more. Beauty has betrayed me; yes that’s what it is. I know because of the abuses in my past that beauty sparks within me the fear of danger and of being dangerous to others coexists within my heart. Come Lord Jesus come. If I allow my heart to soften and hear how you find me beautiful, will you betray me? My head says no but my heart is afraid. But I want to trust you Jesus, I want to trust you.”

This past winter while watching The Lord Of the Rings again, I saw in Arwen her beauty. I saw more than her outward beauty. I saw her beauty as strength, as rest, as confidence, as peaceful, as trust, as hope and most of all as love. I saw in her what my heart longs for, too much for words to express- that she is enough. That’s my ache. To be enough, to know in my quiet center where God dwells that He finds me beautiful, has deemed me worthy, and in Him I am enough.  He will not betray me. He continues to show me what beauty really is.

Faith is Remembering June 6, 2009

The book of Deuteronomy, it seems, is all about remembering:

Remember the day you stood before the Lord…

Remember you were slaves in Egypt…  (this one shows up five times)

Remember what the Lord your God did to Pharaoh…

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert…

Remember the Lord your God…

Remember this and never forget how you provoked the Lord…

Remember … God’s majesty, his mighty hand, his outstretched arm…

Remember the time of your departure from Egypt…

Remember what the Lord your God did to Miriam…

Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past…

Do you remember, dear reader?  Do you remember what God has done for you?  Can you stand with one hand grasping your present struggle and one hand firmly holding the past, remembering His Deliverance?  Remember your God because He remembers you. 

Remember…

Remember…

Remember…

God is about redeeming us….. June 6, 2009

Not to long ago my husband and I were reflecting on our earlier years of marriage and he brought up the subject of my earlier anger issues. My anger came to the surface soon after we married. He  went on to share how my anger had scared him in those early years partly because he didn’t know where it came from, and partly because he didn’t grow up in a home where he saw such rage explode. My anger would raise its ugly head over seemingly small issues. He also shared how amazed he was that God had healed my rage years ago. He watched the transformation and he knew I was no longer an angry person. I was at peace.

 And then he asked how I dealt with it, how did I get past all the rage, what had happened?

 Whenever we’ve talked about this in the past I would feel such shame and didn’t want to talk about it. I felt shame because I knew in those earlier years that my anger/rage wounded my husband and family. I grieved those times. I was deeply saddened that my anger was directed at the wrong people and the wrong things. And I’ve struggled to put into words how God healed this area in my life. How God took all the pent up rage and healed my fragmented heart.

 Abuse victims often go numb. We stuff our anger. We are scared of anger. Often the anger we should feel towards our abuser gets turned inward, we turn this anger in on ourselves. We think there is no anger yet it is there, often just below the surface. And sometimes even little things trigger it causing it to explode and come to the surface.

 When I was finally in counseling several years after we were married I came to understand that God gave me emotions, feelings. That the bible even commands us to be angry-Ephesians 4:26 “Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.” With this command comes a stipulation-be angry but in our anger don’t sin.

 We’ve been wired to feel anger. But when is anger acceptable? When is it appropriate? Sadly, too often we get angry at the wrong things. Like when we try to control people and they don’t listen to us and we get angry.

 But when we allow ourselves to get angry at what God is angry about…such as betrayal, injustice, abuse, this is righteous anger…we are wired to feel this kind of anger so that we can do something about it.

 Many of us are scared of our anger.

 In counseling I entered the grieving stage. And part of the grieving stage was facing the anger. For the first time in my life I dealt with my anger. I was in a safe place, and I was permitted to finally face, and to feel, all the rage turned inward and put it where it belonged. I finally felt anger/rage towards my abusers. I put the anger where it belonged. And in doing so I stopped punishing myself, hating myself.

 When we enter the angry stage we are in essence pushing the memory away so that it no longer controls us…so it’s not so heavy and present in our lives….we release it.

 God is about redeeming us…and when we begin to feel our feelings we are beginning to redeem our body, reclaiming it…because abuse victims go numb we are in essence reclaiming it, bringing it back under His kingdom domain…this is part of His redemption.

 Sometimes we mistake grieving as depression. While it may be true that depression is anger turned inward this is really an oversimplification. Because when we enter the grieving process we at some point will then enter the angry stage….and although it’s important to be angry…we can’t stay there.

In depression we are stuck…in grieving we are moving through it…we can feel a moving through it, as we experience and get in touch with our anger and sadness.

When we are not allowed to feel anger towards our abuser we get stuck, we begin to feel hopeless….when we go through the grieving stages we can’t skip over the anger part, because that doesn’t resolve anything, that doesn’t bring God’s redemption.

But we can’t rush the process….sometimes healing hurts more at the beginning…and that is too often where we stop but we need to continue through the process.

And all too often well meaning friends, Pastors, even counselors, tell us that we shouldn’t stay in the anger stage too long, that we need to move through it quickly and get past it, forgive and move on.

How long should it take some ask…..my answer, as long as it needs to take!!

 Often the younger we are when we were abused, and the deeper the wound, the more time it takes to heal.

 Healing takes time….give yourself, and give God permission, to take all the time needed in order for healing and redemption to do it’s work. I am still amazed (and so is my husband) that I no longer feel that simmering anger, that rage hiding just below the surface……God’s love is a redeeming love, He can truly heal and bring peace to our wounded and troubled hearts!!!

El Roi- the God who sees May 31, 2009

I mentioned Hagar in the previous post, Why go back, and as I’ve read more about this woman I’ve come to learn more about her, about my God and indeed about myself.

When you read the account of Hagar you find that neither Sarah nor Abraham ever addressed her by name. Yet when Hagar fled to the wilderness and there the Angel of the Lord appeared to her he called her by name and knew everything about her (Gen 16:8).

It was no chance encounter in the wilderness because in Genesis 6:7 it says that the angel found her, the finding that comes from searching and seeking. Hagar mattered deeply to God.

Like Hagar I know what it does to me when the Lord calls me by name, when he recognizes me! Hagar received dignity and significance, a simple but unchanging truth that God’s eyes were fixed on her…..she was not alone……she did matter.

Next Hagar does something that no one else in scripture does-male or female- she names Him El Roi: the God who sees me. In doing this she expresses her most basic theological conviction: she is not invisible to God.

I am in awe that “God sees me”, not just as one of countless faces in a crowd…….but “me” all by myself. Yes life can be lonely even amid all our activities, the busyness of life, the hustle and bustle of appointments, errands, friendships, even a good marriage. As quoted in a book I’ve been reading  ”For all of us there are plenty of wilderness experiences when we suffer symptoms of isolation and insignificance. For all of us, there are inevitable moments when, even surrounded by loving family and friends, we feel invisible or go through something alone. A surgery, a divorce, a death, a failure. Those sleepless nights, those closet moments, those tears we shed in private.”

What we wouldn’t give to find Hagar’s spring and to be found by the Angel of the Lord. Hagar received dignity and significance. The realization that God’s eyes were fixed on her empowered her with a kind of freedom & meaning that no one could ever take away. She was not alone, she was not abandoned, and she did matter.

In reading about Hagar this week her story shouts loudly to me, and indeed to all of us, as God’s daughters, as God’s sons……we do count~we are not invisible…..Hagar teaches us a valuable and powerful lesson of just how profoundly significant we are to our God….because God is our El Roi- the God who sees!!

Why go back? May 31, 2009

Have you ever wondered why God takes us back to a specific memory or time in our lives when revisiting some of the dark times can be a very painful experience?

 Even allowing ourselves a fleeting look in that direction can open up a flood of pain and emotions. Yet, there are times that God gently asks us to go back, to take another look. He does this not because He is cruel or uncaring and takes delight in our pain. He doesn’t do this to aggravate our wounds, or to cause further hurt & injury or emotional harm.

 Rather He draws us back to specific memory in order to bring us healing, because only when we experience His healing are we able to move on…..to walk with victory and live in freedom.

I am reminded of Hagar in Genesis 16. As the story unfolds we find that when Hagar was pregnant with Abraham’s child, his wife Sarah mistreated her. Sarah treated Hagar appallingly and with such harsh contempt that it caused her to flee into the wilderness.

 But it was there that the Angel of the Lord spoke to Hagar. Genesis 16: 7-9, “Now the angel of the Lord found her….by the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, Sarai’s maid, where have you come from and where are you going?” And she said, “I am fleeing from the presence of my mistress Sarai.” Then the angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit yourself to her authority.”

 Why would the angel of the Lord ask this of Hagar? Surely nothing could have been more distressing. Yet God called Hagar to go back. Return to your mistress; go back to where you have suffered. And while Hagar must have been distressed and even bewildered at God’s command, He gave her a promise…..Genesis 6:10, “I will greatly multiply your descendents so that they shall be too many to count.”

What I get from that is that when the Lord prompts us to return to our places or memories of pain and suffering we can be certain of His promise of restoration, His promise of healing and the hope for our futures.

 (On a side note, please know that what it is not saying is that if you are in an abusive situation you are to go back, I don’t believe for one moment that is what it is referring to.)

 Isaiah 51:3 says; “The Lord will surely comfort Zion. And will look with compassion on all her ruins; He will make her deserts like Eden, Her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, And thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

Our Heavenly Father specializes in restoration…..it’s His greatest work!!

I like what author Ruth Graham says; “God loves to create order out of chaos. Consider where He started in Genesis, bringing order to an earth that was “formless and void” (Genesis 1:2). God likewise steps into our ruins, picks up the pieces, and reassembles our mistakes, hurts, faults, and failed plans in ways that are wonderful and surprising. He never wastes anything.”

 God will make our deserts like Eden. He looks upon us with tender love and compassion. He doesn’t condemn us, rather He sees hope….He sees a future where we only see shards & ruins. His desire and hope for us is to bring us out of our tragedies, our devastation, our wreckage, our ruins….. Healed, strengthened, set free, and with a new song in our hearts. This is His promise. Joy and gladness will be found in her!!

More from ‘God is No Fool’ May 30, 2009

This book I’m reading is really speaking to my heart.  I believe it’s been out of print until recently this year when the 40th anniversary edition came out.  If you have the chance to read ‘God is No Fool’ by Lois A. Cheney you won’t be disappointed.  Here’s a piece that challenged me today:

“When we have grown past praying for personal peace,

When we have matured past praying for comfort,

When we have moved past praying for self,

When we move into praying for strength to act,

I think we are then making the most important prayer there is.”

 

God bless you, dear reader.

Of Men and Angels May 24, 2009

Today while standing in a spacious bookstore I picked up a book about letting go of spiritual burdens.  As I touched the pages I felt a great comfort, remembering with gratitude a God who lifts burdens like mine.  

“Excuse me.”  The stranger’s voice startled me.  I looked up to see a confident and attractive man, maybe five or ten years younger than me.  Confused, I wondered if I’d given him the impression that I worked there.  If you had offered me a million guesses I could have never predicted what would come out of his mouth next:  ”I think you’re GORGEOUS!”.  With that and a smile, he simply spun around and walked away.  By the time I had recovered enough to stammer ‘thank you’ he was safely out of hearing range.

Sometimes I wonder if angels still roam the earth, disguised as men.

Just One Day May 23, 2009

This poem from the book “God is No Fool” by Lois A. Cheney touched my heart this morning.

 

One day.

Just one day.

 

If I could present to my God,

Just one day

of pure intention

of faithful purpose

of loving heart

of prayerful actions.

 

Just one day,

of total commitment

of untarnished speech

of unselfish acts

of total concentration.

 

Just one day,

lacking weakness

lacking jealousy

lacking self-absorption

lacking foolishness.

 

Just one day,

One day

If I could present to my God,

Just one day.