Spiritual Intimacy is Knocking on My Bedroom Door

The chorus to my life song has been on a frustrating loop this winter. As beautiful and triumphant as the lyrics and melody of God’s amazing grace and glory have been in my life, feeling stuck on repeat was hindering me from recognizing that the tones were becoming richer and deeper. I did not recognize that God has been steadily and surely composing the next verse for me.

I write a lot about my discouragement and pain in reclaiming and building sexual intimacy in my decades long sexless marriage ravaged by my husband’s sex addiction, pornography use, intimacy anorexia and my own adultery and recovery from childhood sexual abuse, premarital sex and sexual betrayal trauma. What I don’t generally write about is the same deep desire I have to connect spiritually with my husband and cultivate a spiritual intimacy that is new to our marriage since we began recovery four years ago.

It is that spiritual intimacy that is becoming stronger and lusher. And yet I nearly missed tasting the sweet harvest that God has been nurturing because of my narrow focus on what I believe is lacking sexually in our marriage rather than looking at the bigger picture of what God has redeemed and continues to heal, restore and transform.

I want to talk to my husband about God. I want to talk to God with my husband. I want us to share and celebrate our God moments; the big and little miracles that happen throughout our day; the impact and perfect timing of a scripture to strengthen, comfort or challenge us. I want us to grow spiritually together. And I want us to stand as one in awe and anticipation of how God will use us and our redemption story to bring Him glory, and to transform and offer hope to other broken lives and marriages.

My passion to be joined together as one goes far beyond the bedroom. And so, maybe for us, it doesn’t begin in the bedroom. Maybe for us, sexual oneness will be a by-product, an offering of worship that comes from serving God as a couple. And maybe, as we wholly serve God both individually and jointly, the fulfillment that brings will satisfy my heart and overflow to all areas of my marriage and life.

You see, my hope is rising. From the day four years and four months ago that I implored God to provide me with a godly, Christian husband, He has been answering my prayers. God is providing me with the desires of my heart. With each display of my husband’s spiritual growth, and his support of mine, my heart swells.

Since we began our recovery, our bedtime routine has included praying together. There are other times when we may pray jointly for a specific request. But that has generally been initiated by me. Until the last few weeks, when twice my husband has stopped me to lovingly take my trembling hands in his, join his heart with mine, and lift my troubled spirit to our Heavenly Father. These tender moments brought tears to my eyes and wonder to my soul.

My husband also reads from the Bible to me every night. We are currently reading through the book of Exodus. I find great comfort and strength in the Old Testament stories of God’s faithfulness. The account of Moses’ radiant face after his encounter with God’s glory on the mountain thrills my heart. But then it is a struggle to read with much interest the very detailed list of materials and measurements required to build the tabernacle. But my husband has managed to make this section into a fun learning experience filled with laughter. I don’t know why we need to know about acacia wood, the various metals used, or the colour of the yarn, but I am confident that God delights in the fact that we joyously do.

We have also been attending a Life group together at our church. I am involved with a wonderful and fulfilling women’s group, but still my heart has longed to be a part of a small group as a couple. Sharing, expanding and deepening our faith together with others in an intimate setting. I participated alone for the first few gatherings. Waiting for my husband to respond to the Spirit’s nudging to join me. He did. In this weekly setting, my heart is filled with an extra dose of contentment and security in the us of today and tomorrow.

There has been a gentle shifting in the holy trinity of our marriage. The spiritual presence and connectivity of my husband growing. The answer to my prayer for him to become a spiritual leader in our marriage, home and family emerging.

It is sexy. Not sexual. But exciting and appealing in a way that is filling my heart with gratitude and celebration. And a sliver of guilt and remorse at my failure to appreciate and acknowledge God’s faithful, unrelenting devotion to healing, restoring and building intimacy in our marriage. Piece by broken piece. In His order. In His timing. By His design. With the utmost care for both of our hearts.

I am overwhelmed by God’s goodness.

For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. Psalm 84:11

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “Spiritual Intimacy is Knocking on My Bedroom Door

  1. Oh my sweet friend…not all angels have wings! You have spoken my heart and my soul in this post and I am truly grateful. I believe we are “soul sisters” in a way because we seem to feel things at the same emotional level for which I thank my Lord and Savior. To know there is someone who lives and feels and believes and has faith as I do through this whole nightmare is a gift I can never repay. Thank you. May God always bless you for your honesty and truth. And please accept my sincere thanks and love for you wbeing in my life (albeit through blogging) to help me see what is sometimes elusive yet right in front of me! XOXOX ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Your words are a warm, encouraging embrace to my soul. Especially as one of the wonderful ladies in my Women’s Life group (that I am actually the leader of) messaged me yesterday morning that she was struggling in our group and wasn’t going to come anymore while we do the study we are working through. So far, she hasn’t said what her struggle is. I am filled with sadness. I have strived to make our group authentic and safe, but she is pulling away rather than facing her discomfort. Something we as partners of sex addicts have learned is not possible to continue doing. That is why relationships such as ours, and with the other hurting, healing, beautiful women here on WP are such a blessing. We vulnerably share each other’s pain and celebrations. Our ups and our downs, good, bad, and ugly. You have also been a blessing to me. One of the very first, if not the first, woman I met here on WP. A breath of life to know I wasn’t alone. This is one of those posts that was meaningful to me, but that I thought wouldn’t mean much to anyone else. I’m glad it touched your heart as much as it did mine. xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • Your words are a balm to me, dear friend! This journey is not for the faint of heart and for me, it would be impossible without the support of others. Especially those here in this community. I have such a deep and abiding love and respect for everyone who has had the courage to speak out in their pain, their anger, their hopes, their fears and their victories! What a true blessing. I pray for those who struggle…even those who are unknown to me. God knows them and their trauma and will heal us all. XOXO

        Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. My growing relationship with Jesus truly has been my lifeline through my recovery. I can’t imagine receiving the growth and healing I have without His supernatural power. At the beginning, my goal was to just not hurt anymore. I never expected to find there was so much more available to me! xo

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! Sometimes I need to put these things in words to make them more concrete and undeniable in my soul. This was one of those times when I needed to acknowledge the truth, and not my own twisted version of it. You are good at doing that.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, Cynthia! Thank you for sharing these tremendous personal blessings! The brightness in your soul overflows into your words.
    After they ate of the fruit, God, in Gen 3.16 told Eve, “and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” I have long thought that some part of the interpretation of this was that women (in the flesh) would always want more from their husbands. But God is greater, and He gives us eyes to see, hearts to appreciate the great gift He gives us. Sometimes the flesh is stronger, sometimes the Spirit.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is true that my husband and I are equals, and he treats me as such. But yes, I still desire him to be our headship, under God of course. It thrills my heart seeing his slow and steady growth into that role. I don’t think he is even aware that it is happening, or what it means, but I do! I can see the twinkle in God’s eye as He continues to redeem our lives and marriage with His intricately woven design.

      As always, thank you for speaking faithful, biblical, encouraging words of life into my soul. xo

      Liked by 2 people

  3. This is beautiful Cynthia! Your husband taking your trembling hands and praying for you TOGETHER. That’s powerful!

    God is truly moving in your marriage to restore and redeem it!

    Thanks for sharing the flip side of intimacy for it never truly begins in the bedroom 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I was reading that same chapter the other day wondering how much U needed to hear about wood, curtains, and lamps. But I learned a few bew words, so there’s that!
    You are so honest and wise in your posts. I have so much hope. I really agree with your statement that you could have missed this.
    Its so true. When we face infidelity I think the easy way out is to run. Sometimes that’s what needs to be done (see marriage #1 for me!).
    But to do the work when possible, ride the wave, trust in God….we get to see amazing things. So happy for you

    Liked by 2 people

    • And the amazing things truly are mind blowing!! It’s not hyperbole at all! I know you have had some of your own moments, with many more to come. What might seem insignificant or tiny to someone else, I know to be a miracle. The heart changes, the behaviour changes. Both his and mine. Always growing, always healing, always learning. Even if it at times it is about lampstands and basins!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s