There’s No Taking Breaks From Recovery

I’ve been taking a break from reality and my daily routines. Turns out that hasn’t been a good thing for me. It didn’t begin as an intentional decision. I truly didn’t have any overwhelming burden from which I needed to escape. No additional disclosures from my sex addict husband. No relapses or significant triggering events. Just tiny choices made every day that have stalled my healing process and growth. The transformation into a healthy and confident woman the last four years as I broke free from the abusive and soul crushing effects of my husband’s porn addiction and intimacy anorexia fading. I can’t find the new and improved me as clearly these days as I could a few months ago. I miss her.

I’m tired. Weary. Discouraged. Avoiding conflict. Losing my energy. Letting my joy be stolen.

An addict must fight for their freedom every minute of every day. But so must an addict’s wife. It’s a different battle, but a battle just the same. And although I haven’t stopped wrestling with the barrage of negative thoughts and lies attempting to engulf me, my guardrails have shifted. In neglecting regular maintenance and reinforcement, my protective barriers aren’t withstanding the attacks against them like they used to.

Cracks can easily form in the comfortableness. Blemishes appear as the freshness settles. The strong foundation cultivated in recovery may seem to shake. But the steadfast rock of recovery and God’s Word remains firm and unwavering. The earth isn’t moving beneath me. God’s faithfulness remains unchanged. It is my knees that are wobbly, my arms weakened, my heart dull. And they don’t have to be.

It’s not a matter of oh, I’ll just have one drink, or another brownie, or allow my eyes to linger for a few seconds. The activities and behaviours I have been indulging in are not necessarily harmful or bad. But neither are they helpful or good. What they are is time wasters. Junk food for my soul and body. Lacking much needed nourishment to sustain and foster my personal and spiritual growth and healing.

I am on uneven ground. Dangerously close to falling into old unhealthy patterns. Perhaps it is a season of rest or testing for the next part of my journey. I have feebly used that justification to explain my immobility. But in this instance, it is only a poor excuse. Growth and healing doesn’t just happen in the stillness. Movement is still necessary on my part. And I’m pretty sure that choosing to watch another home improvement show rather than going for my evening prayer walk, or playing one more level of Word Cookies on my phone rather than reading recovery material, connecting with others, or engaging in true self care, will enhance my life in any meaningful way. It hasn’t. With every questionable yes I have made with my time and energy, I have said a solid no to something exceedingly more beneficial to my life, or to someone else’s.

And so here I am again. Still learning. But yes, learning. Recovery is a lifestyle. It has no end. Even after four years of tremendous personal healing and transformation, I can’t afford to take my eyes off the goal and final destination. Slow down and rest when needed, sure. But cease being intentional with the limited minutes of my day, no, no, no. Each one of them is a gift.

Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord’s presence as I live here on earth.
Psalm 116:7-9

11 thoughts on “There’s No Taking Breaks From Recovery

  1. I found this really moving Cynthia, you have bared your soul. Sometimes we just have to drop our guard, step off the path to the target and be. But you are right sometimes it makes it hard to get back on track again. The fact that you have written this says that you will get back on track. It is okay to get tired sometimes. Sending a massive hug ♥️ Moisy

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for the hug and confidence in me to get back on track. You are so right that sometimes we just need to be, to do nothing more than breathe. The problem for me can become when I linger in that place longer than I need to. My batteries are charged and ready to go again, but I fail to use the new energy wisely. A great thing about recovery though, is recognizing that, accepting that I am now responsible for my own consequences, and having the ability to give myself a kick in the butt. Indeed, I will be back on track again! Thanks Moisy.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. You got right down to it, Cynthia. It’s hard, but it’s why God says we must take up our cross DAILY. We must find the time and energy to put on our armor every morning. Sin has brought decomposition to us: when we don’t find the time/energy to dust, do laundry & dishes, perform regular maintenance in our homes, we see the physical results. It’s the same spiritually.
    Good thing it’s not totally up to me. Yes, I must make the decisions to obey and get up and go; but God does the prompting, the promising, the encouraging. And He brings me His people like you to do these things. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah yes, the prompting, promising and encouraging. The scary part would be becoming adept at ignoring, minimizing or rationalizing God’s nudges to get back on my feet. Thank goodness He is faithful to keep calling my name. I’m not exactly a lost sheep, but I do get distracted more than I should. Yet, I do know His voice ☺️

      As always, I appreciate your words of truth and wisdom. Thank you

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you so much for your words today have made me feel less alone. I know this place you speak of and it can serve as a nurturing valley or a a psychological hell. I told myself these words just yesterday, that I must keep it moving or …………sending you light and love. Stay on purpose SisStar.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for these kind, encouraging, hopeful words. It certainly is affirming to know we aren’t alone. I gladly accept the light and love you have shared with me. May we both keep moving forward with purpose. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am guilty of this stagnancy as well. It is an effort to confront the ugly sometimes, so it is so much easier to indulge in the mindless online game or pointless tv show. I think you are in a very healthy place when you can recognize the action (or inaction) and address it. Give yourself some grace my friend and pat yourself on the back for catching yourself red-handed! 😂
    Back on track, God has your back!
    **Hugs** ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

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