Tag Archive | wedding vows

Saying “I Do” Again, and This Time Meaning It

As I have been writing the story of my healing journey through my husband’s sex addiction, intimacy anorexia, our joint infidelities and the restoration of our marriage, I have mostly done so in a chronological order. But I have left out two significant events from the first year of our recovery. Purposefully. And yet both situations were answers to prayer, evidence of God’s supernatural healing power, and yes, miracles.

And although they are not secrets to our family, close friends, and in one case, our community and the world of Facebook, I have held the precious memories close to my heart. Maybe too close. Unwilling to taint the experience, perhaps lessen it is some way by not being able to eloquently articulate and express how deeply meaningful and profound it was to me. To my husband. To us. Worried that by sharing it with someone who doesn’t understand or appreciate the bittersweet celebration, it loses its value. Which is absurd. But not much different than tucking away and hiding a favourite, much loved gift rather than using it for fear of it becoming broken or damaged.

In my last post, The Case of the Missing Wedding Rings, I indicated that my husband and I had recently celebrated three years of wearing wedding rings.  But we did more than just present each other with new rings that day. We also renewed our wedding vows. We had numbly acknowledged our twenty fifth wedding anniversary four months prior. This was the real celebration.

I purchased a new dress. Bold, colourful, and flowery to match my growing confidence in life, God, my husband, marriage, and me. My husband, of his own volition, bought himself a dress shirt for the occasion. I never asked him to, so it pleased me that he made that effort.

As this commitment ceremony was only for us and our Father/Father-in-law God, we privately and informally held it on a Wednesday night with only our pastor, assistant pastor and their wives as witnesses. All good friends who had faithfully poured support and love into our lives and with whom we could joyfully celebrate the victorious testimony of God’s transformation in our lives and marriage.

Committing my heart to my husband and my marriage to God while standing in the Himalayas, or more accurately, surrounded by styrofoam mountains and a backdrop of Mount Everest covering the wall for the upcoming Vacation Bible School, added an element of fun and lightness to a deeply powerful experience. I don’t think when I was twenty years old, naively standing at the altar saying “I do”, that I fully understood the true meaning and complexity of wedding vows. I certainly had no vision of the struggle ahead of us with pornography, a sexless marriage and adultery. But honestly, in retrospection, the words were just words I was supposed to say on my way to a happily ever after with my Prince Charming. This second time was truly an intentional commitment. Every word and tear savoured and treasured. Of which there were many flowing from my husband’s eyes and heart throughout the ceremony.

Arriving at the church that night, my nervous stomach was competing with the peace, joy and gratitude reigning in my heart. My emotions had been going a little crazy all day, changing from minute to minute, but always solid in my decision. There was a little sadness at what my marriage had been, but unbelievable thankfulness at what it now was, and where it was going. The blanket of forgiveness and grace covering us was unexplainable. The past was truly put in the past. The only thing that mattered was today and tomorrow. A gift that continues.

We concluded the ceremony with a song that a friend sang at our wedding. Morning Has Broken. I loved it then, but it was lost in the blur of a wedding. However, this time, in these circumstances, listening to Third Day’s version captivated my heart.

I just paused from my writing to listen to the song. At this moment, the lyrics and their significance have me darn near tears. I have been overcome with emotion just writing this post and re-reading an email I sent to a friend the following day. I have never seen, or again written, as many exclamation marks, wows, and praises to God as there are in that email. Pure joy and exuberance at the gift and blessing of my healing journey.

Which is why I haven’t attempted to share our vow renewal on my blog yet. I just can’t adequately express how powerfully overwhelming it was at the time, and the memory still is. I am fearful of the possible reaction, judgment, eye rolling, misunderstanding, skepticism, and well, even indifference, to something that I deeply treasure.  A tarnishing of my miracle and God’s goodness.

But it is a miracle that needs to be told. A rejoicing in answer to prayer. Two broken people restored. A marriage rebuilt and redeemed. We hear about the destruction and messes all the time. I read about beautiful, strong, courageous women fighting for their healing, partners and relationships. And yet so many people are unable to believe that a marriage destroyed by sexual betrayal can be stronger and more beautiful than ever.

We show up every single day with our battle armour on and recovery tools in hand to guard and protect our victory. The battle has been won, but it will never be over. Truthfully, there are scars that remain. But as they fade, they no longer haunt us. And I just want you to know that.

You are the light of the world, like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father. Matthew 5:14-16

The Case of the Missing Wedding Rings

We were playing Exploding Kittens last weekend. The card game. That I once packed in my carry on luggage and was warned not to mention in the vicinity of airport security ears unless my desire to be detained and patted down was greater than my desire to reach my destination.

But it isn’t the game that is important. It was the hand holding the cards that most caught my attention. Or to be more specific, the ring on the fourth finger of the left hand of the man holding the cards. The scratched, slightly scuffed wedding ring of my husband.

And those little nicks made me smile. Why? Because that meant the ring was being worn. And not taken off. The covenant promise of the wedding ring was being valued.

I never had to wonder if my husband was wearing his wedding ring. And he never had to worry about losing or misplacing it. Because we both knew where it was at all times. Collecting dust in his jewelry box. Where it had been every day since our wedding day. Not so that it would be easier to cheat with other women. Which he didn’t physically do anyway. The reasons he provided me were that he didn’t really like it, and it didn’t fit well. Which was true. But I translated that to mean that the universal symbol for marriage, for our union as husband and wife, was not important enough for him to invest any energy, time or money into rectifying. The wedding ring I gave my husband seemed to have little worth in his eyes.

I did wear my wedding rings. For awhile anyway. I lost the diamond in my engagement ring while doing handstands in a hotel swimming pool approximately ten years into our marriage. I was upset. But even more so when my husband indicated we did not have the finances to replace the diamond. I removed the ring, gave it to my husband and suggested he save money and have the diamond replaced for our twenty fifth wedding anniversary. My ring sat forgotten alongside his.

The one remaining ring stayed on my finger for several more years. Until I removed my wedding band one day to squish raw ground beef into hamburger patties. After I washed my hands, I picked up the ring and instead of twisting it back onto my finger, I placed it in my jewelry box. I don’t even remember when that was exactly. It is not a time stamped memory. Just a moment of annoying inconvenience that the ring was getting tighter to slide on and off. And then the decision to not bother trying anymore. It was a bittersweet recognition that my wedding band had lost its symbolism and become merely another accessory.

Because I did not intentionally remove or return my ring to my husband as a direct response to his sex addiction and infidelity, I cannot pinpoint the time, even to the year, that I stopped wearing it. But I do know that I was ringless for several years prior to our recovery.

After attending my recovery support group for two months, I returned home from a meeting with a seed of hope planted in my heart and mind. I mentioned how one of the other women had recently renewed her wedding vows and had shown us her new wedding ring. My husband looked down at my hand. When he lifted his head, his face was filled with sadness, hurt and confusion that there was no wedding band on my finger. He asked me where it was. I interpreted his question and the pain in his eyes to mean that he believed my missing ring represented a recent disconnection from our marriage.

My heart ached at the sight of his brokenness and the acknowledgement that his behaviour was the likely cause of his ringless wife. But then…….But then my heart began to wrench with my own hurt at the bitter realization that not only had my husband been oblivious to my bare finger for years, but also that he had remained unaware of its absence for the past two months of our healing journey. He had never even noticed it was gone. I felt invisible again.

Three months later, we went shopping together to purchase new wedding bands for both of us. I delightedly chose a ring with tiny, sparkly diamond chips to replace the diamond I lost many years before. My husband wisely chose one that he liked, and that fit him.

One month later, on June 24, 2015, we ceremoniously presented each other with our new rings. Slipped them on each other’s fingers and sealed the new covenant with a kiss.

We just celebrated three years of wearing wedding rings. A symbol of our new marriage. That still makes me smile every time I return my ring to its rightful place after squeezing raw meat through my fingers. That still warms my heart every time I see the evidence that his ring remains steadfastly in place.

Our wedding rings have immeasurable meaning now. They tell a story of pain, redemption, restoration and a hope and commitment for our future. The one is slightly battered, the other glistens. Melded together they are us.

Since they are no longer two, but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together. Matthew 19:6