Tag Archive | relationship abuse

You Are A Door Prize, Not A Doormat

Dr. Jay Grady in his book, You Are A Door Prize, Not A Doormat: How to Break the Cycle of Verbal Abuse, speaks very candidly about the effects and damage of verbal abuse. He speaks from a place of knowing, of having been there…. and because of his experience he offers the reader encouragement and hope.

I highly recommend this very insightful and direct book in which Dr. Grady exposes the silent killer of verbal abuse. Unfortunately, this silent killer can hide in the church as well.

I applaud Dr. Grady for bringing the atrocity of verbal abuse to the foreground, for shedding light on this silent destroyer.

Having grown up in a home of verbal abuse I know why Dr. Grady refers to verbal abuse as the silent killer. Sometimes it is so subtle that we don’t refer to it as verbal abuse as in the case of intimidation- when someone punches a hole in a wall, or throws things, due to uncontrolled anger all the while blaming someone or something else for their explosion, or when someone uses threats to manipulate, or they tease in a way that is degrading and demeaning and is fun only for the “batterer”, teasing that demoralizes the person it is aimed at.

He defines verbal abuse as words that attack or injure, that cause one to believe a lie, what is false, or that speak falsely of a person. Verbal abuse constitutes physiological violence. It is damaging to the spirit.

Dr. Grady states: “ the underlying premise of  verbal abuse is that of control: a means of holding power over another. Unlike physical abuse, there are no outer signs of injury, like bruises and black eyes. Broken bones may not exist, but there will be damage.”

He also speaks very candidly about child abuse, the damages and the responsibility as parents to bring up our children in love and kindness.

In his ground-breaking book, Dr. Grady lists the different types of verbal abuse and the signs of psychological and emotional difficulties as a result of verbal abuse, and the consequences of verbal abuse.

He also explains the classic cases and profiles of abusers and batterers.

 Another issue he addresses, which I think is very insightful and important, is in regards to soul ties. He defines it as the joining or knitting together of the bonds of a relationship. He offers prayers in which all ungodly soul ties must be renounced and severed in order for the control another person has over us to be broken.

Dr. Grady offers Word therapy, a step by step program that will help you in the healing process, a restoration back to God through the word of God. He offers scriptural techniques for breaking the shackles of verbal abuse and reclaiming control over your life. He presents us with guidelines in order to end the verbal abuse and bring balance to the relationship. 

It is time, as Dr Grady suggests, that we, the church, wake up and begin to confront this destroyer of human dignity and begin to call verbal abuse what it is: SIN

 I strongly believe that through this book victims of verbal abuse, whether past or present, will find help and healing.

Check out Dr. Grady’s website: http://www.askdrjaynow.org/

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Relationship Abuse

I am sharing these two articles: the first one, what is verbal abuse and now this one on relationship abuse because this needs to be brought to the forefront of North American consciousness–naming and defining verbally abusive relationships. There are many books and resources dealing with the devastating effect of this “secret form of control.” If you would like some resources please email us.
It has been said; “there is no single definition of relationship abuse.  Each intimate relationship is unique and each abusive intimate relationship is unique too.” 
However as you look back on your relationships, you will discover certain signs, clues and characteristics that will demonstrate clearly if the relationships are unhealthy or abusive.  Two of these signs are common to virtually all cases of relationship abuse.  

First, relationship abuse usually involves a pattern of abusive events.  Except in rare cases, a single incident usually does not constitute abuse.  Instead, there is typically a pattern of repeated destructive behavior that escalates over time.

 Second, abusive relationships involve the use of power and control.  The abuser’s goal is to ensure that he or she is in complete control of you and the relationship.  Their controlling tactics may be subtle and not easily recognized.  It may seem that their taking control of your time, friends, and daily activities was a sign of caring and wanting only the best for you.  As time went by, the control you once had over your life disappeared.  Gradually using a wide range of strategies, they were able to render you totally powerless and place themselves in complete control of the relationship.  Verbal abuse can be extremely painful and damaging and its effects long lasting.  It could be termed a “SILENT KILLER.” As with physical violence, verbal abuse can take many forms, but the goal is to change your self point of view.  Verbal abuse is designed to make you feel powerless.

One of its main focuses is to make you feel “worthless.”  Verbal abuse takes a tremendous emotional toll!  Here is a partial list of behaviors that are included in verbal abuse.

1. Yelling

7. Intimidating

13. Name-calling

2. Accusing

8. Humiliating

14. Belittling

3. Using sarcasm

9. Putting you down

15. Rejecting your opinion

4. Threatening

10. Ridiculing

16. Criticizing

5. Insulting

 11. Blaming

17. Mocking

6. Treating you with scorn

12. Disparaging your ideas

18. Trivializing your desires

 In the book Free Yourself From An Abusive Relationship Andrea Lissette, M.A. CDVC and Richard Kraus, Ph.D. the co-authors make the statement “We find abuse is like a thief in the night destroying, plundering and devastating its victims.  It causes damage, destruction, emotional and physical pain, severe loss and disfiguration, and leaves lasting scars.  Verbal abuse can creep into a relationship slowly as humiliating comments or devastating criticism:  “You’ll never understand this no matter how may times I explain it.”  “What are you doing this time, dummy?”  “You look ridiculous!”  Verbal abuse can be open and in- your-face or it can be subtle and devious.  Verbal abuse betrays love, ends trust and destroys life.” 

As common as verbal abuse is, many people are unsure whether they are being verbally abused.  Many do not know what to do even if they become aware that they are being verbally abused.  Abusers lie and manipulate their victims.  They blame the victims for the abuse and they deny their abusive acts.  Because of this and the danger involved, it is difficult for victims to confront the abuser in their relationships.  THE IMPORTANT KEY HERE IS THAT THE VICTIMS RECOGNIZE THAT THEY ARE SUFFERING FROM VERBAL ABUSE.