Tag Archive | children

A big black hole

I have a big black hole inside me where my parents should go.  I’m starting to realize just how deep it goes.  God has blessed me with wonderful relationships.  He has placed me in an extended family called the church and that family thrills and satisfies me and more than heals all wounds from the family I was born into.  With one exception.  The problem is with me.  I haven’t been able to sustain an intimate relationship with older men or women who look out for me the way moms and dads are supposed to look out for their kids.  I haven’t been able to trust or share my heart with anyone I sense wants that kind of relationship with me.  It’s not like I have a lot of offers anyway.  I appear so confident and competent.  I don’t seem to ‘need’ it but that confidence covers a deep unmet need I haven’t been able to show.  So how do you do it?  Has anyone reading this ever been able to find a mom or dad substitute who really cared, who fought for you, who called you out?  Have you been able to sustain a relationship that set things right and healed old wounds?  How?

Light Dispels Darkness

Love changes darkness into light and makes the heart take a “wingless flight.” ~Helen Steiner Rice~

As a child and teenager I was plagued with nightmares. It was always the same recurring dream and it involved snakes. I was terrified of snakes.

One time while walking barefoot through a pasture with my best friend, I accidentally stepped into what I thought was a gopher hole. Turns out it wasn’t a gopher hole but a hole filled with baby snakes. I still cringe when I think of the sensation of baby snakes wrapping around my bare foot. Needless to say I screamed and took off running as fast as I could. It was disgusting.

At other times my older cousin would challenge me to a game of sword fighting. This was a game we played as children and we always used sticks or willow switches. But this one time he came up to me with his hands behind his back asking me to pick which stick/sword I wanted. When I chose one hand he brought forward a live, writhing snake and wanted me to take it. I know now it wouldn’t have made any difference as to which hand I’d chosen I would have picked the wrong one. As I ran into the house screaming and crying I could hear him laughing hysterically. Jokes were always played at the expense of the other person, never just in jest but always with an edge of heartlessness and cruelty to them.

It was instances such as these that put within me a fear of snakes. Was it just because of these instances that I had these nightmares? I don’t believe so. I think perhaps they had something to do with the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child.

I shared a bedroom with my older female cousin who was about ten years older than I was. So many nights as a child I would awaken crying and in a cold sweat, terrified because I had been dreaming my bed was full of snakes. My cousin would try convincing me that there were no snakes in our bed but she would have to turn on the light so I could see for myself. Only then would I be able to go back to sleep.

These dreams lessened some as I got older and by the time I married I only had them occasionally. But then a most amazing thing happened.

When I, at the age of 20, surrendered my heart to the Lord Jesus Christ making Him Lord of my life the nightmares suddenly stopped. I never prayed about them, I never asked God to make them stop…they just stopped.

In the book of John, Chapter 1 verses 1-5 it talks of Jesus Christ as being the Eternal Word;   

In the beginning the Word already existed.  The Word was with God, and the Word was God. He existed in the beginning with God.
God created everything through him,and nothing was created except through him.
The Word gave life to everything that was created
,and his life brought light to everyone.
The light shines in the darkness,and the darkness can never extinguish it

To this day I have never had that particular nightmare again. I am still scared of snakes and am repulsed by them but I thank the Lord I no longer have to be afraid to go to sleep.

I won’t discuss the meaning of dreams since it is such a wide and varied topic, and open to controversy. I believe children seem to be very susceptible to these kinds of dreams or nightmares. And I can’t help but wonder if perhaps the more severe the recurring dreams a child has if it is reflective of the trauma they’ve experienced. I don’t know, but what I do know is that Jesus is called the “Light of the World” and as the verse says above……light shines in the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it….and with out even praying about it, the light of His presence in my heart was enough to bring light and life into a soul that was shrouded and hidden in darkness.

 Jesus the light of the world filled up my heart with His light and love. That is amazing grace!