There I was, sitting on the floor with my face nuzzled into my big, black puppy’s neck, sobbing…..pain from somewhere deep within finding its way to the surface….
My big puppy stoically allowed me to let it all out…finally turning to me when the tears were spent and gave me a big, sloppy lick on my face as if to say, I’m here and it’s going to be okay, we will play again when you are ready. I couldn’t help but smile…yes; I want to play again….
An imbalanced life….that’s how I felt that day…..but it is risky to stop and investigate the whys and how did I get here? Why do I feel so stressed? No one wants to feel this way; no one wants to feel alone and desolate….
Desolate- now there is a word that you don’t want to identify yourself with. How can you find rest for your soul in a place such as this? But this was the place within me that I hid from, ran from even…..the places where stress, anxiety and fear overtake….robbing me of my moments….and yet, it is to a desolate place where Jesus went to meet with God. It’s the place he retreated too….it is where he found his quiet time.
“But Jesus often withdrew to lonely [desolate] places and prayed. Luke 15: 16”
In that moment of vulnerability with my head buried in the soft fur of my puppy, God showed me where He wanted to take me…..He was asking me to “follow” Him to this place of discovery~to “quit” being afraid of what others think! Ouch….do I want to go there…umm, no, but I know I should, I know I must, in order to find soul rest.
My need to be what other people wanted, needed and expected me to be was far too great to actually allow me to stand up for myself. How is it after all these years I can still find myself defined not by God’s love but by what others think of me?
The Message (MSG)
7-9 Listen, God, I’m calling at the top of my lungs:
“Be good to me! Answer me!”
When my heart whispered, “Seek God,”
my whole being replied,
“I’m seeking him!”
Don’t hide from me now!
9-10 You’ve always been right there for me;
don’t turn your back on me now.
Don’t throw me out, don’t abandon me;
you’ve always kept the door open.
My father and mother walked out and left me,
but God took me in.