What I Found When My Husband’s Porn Addiction Lost

A man. That’s what I found when my husband began to battle his porn addiction and intimacy anorexia. I found a broken, lost, little boy standing in his own puddle of tears make the courageous decision to grow up and face his pain rather than continue running from it.

A husband. I found a man who desired a wife with whom to share his heart, life and home. A man, who with determination and commitment, embarked on a daily quest to honour, respect, and love me, his wife.

A father to our children. I found a man willing to share parenting responsibilities. A man attempting to channel his remorse and regrets into repairing and building relationships with his children.

The seemingly logical follow-up to my previous post, What I Lost When My Husband’s Porn Addiction Won, would be a simple reversal of my list of losses. But that’s not how it works. Firstly, there is nothing simple and easy about healing from the effects of sexual betrayal trauma. But most importantly, my husband choosing to fight for healing and freedom from his wounds and addiction does not, and cannot, restore my heart and return everything to me that I lost. No matter how successful and miraculous his recovery journey is, it is his recovery journey.  When he triumphs over pornography, he wins.

Certainly, having a healing husband with consistent and believable recovery behaviours has made my life easier and things in our home flow more smoothly. He has created a supportive and loving environment conducive to my own healing. And yes, some of the losses that were dependant on his behaviour alone have been returned to me. Fidelity being one. And there are other losses, such as companionship, where his new participation in our relationship has provided me the opportunity to regain what I lost should I actively choose to accept the offering.

But the deep wounds of my emotional and spiritual brokenness are something that only I have the ability to heal. The removal of pornography from my husband’s life and our marriage does not magically restore my own self worth.  That is like expecting that if we both were injured in a car accident, the cast on my husband’s leg would mend my fractured arm. Addiction and sexual betrayal trauma are each a separate injury to a different person thereby requiring individual healing.

I have been diligently working on my recovery for three years. It has become a new and rewarding lifestyle. And because of that, many of the losses I suffered have been returned to me. I laugh more now than I remember doing at any other time in my life. Other losses are still a work in progress. Trust and intimacy take time to re-establish. And others, like learning to dream, haven’t yet arrived. But I believe they will. My path is leading me to wholeness.

What I found when my husband won, and his porn addiction lost, was a transformed man. The healing I have found in me would have occurred whatever the outcome of that struggle because my war is no longer against pornography. My battle is with my own heart and mind.

Don’t copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2

15 thoughts on “What I Found When My Husband’s Porn Addiction Lost

  1. Wow – what a beautiful and insightful post. You are describing my own experience in healing. It is sometimes difficult for my husband to understand that we are on 2 different paths to recovery and that he is well ahead of me in terms of restoring his life. I have compared us to the kidney donor and recipient. The recipient recovers quickly from surgery because they used to be sick and now they are felling well. Whereas the healthy donor must learn to function with only 1 kidney – the recovery can be much longer.

    It is empowering to think about our own path leading us to happiness that we create. Thank you for these reminders, particularly after an emotionally draining month for me.

    I hope you don’t mind if I share this as the follow up to the previous post. I am trying to stay positive in my blog and it’s not always easy. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • I love the kidney donor analogy. It fits perfectly! I would love to borrow it for future use in my recovery group, writing, or wherever it may come up. That is exactly what happened with us, particularly in the first months, and probably first year. My husband was enjoying his new found freedom and I was still whirling and trying to find my footing. And he found it difficult to understand why I wasn’t feeling the same way as him.

      I would be honoured to have you share my post on your blog. Continued blessings to you on your journey to health and wholeness xo

      Liked by 2 people

    • That is a very unique analogy! I loved it. with this post and comment have given me an idea for a post. I just need to pray on it so the words do not come out wrong because sadly, though I understand the female side of things thanks to many women sharing their hurts with me over the years from their husbands addiction, I am still a man and write from the perspective.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: What I Found When My Husband’s Porn Addiction Lost – My Kintsugi Heart

  3. This is a great article. It shows that whilst some aspects are more easily resolved, others, the psychological kickbacks on both sides, take years to heal, if they every heal at all. Some of those feelings you would carry with you to the next relationship so is it better to stay or go.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It really is necessary to do our own healing, whether our choice is to stay or leave. Otherwise, the pain, hurt, resentment will stay with us wherever we are. It is our responsibility to care for ourselves. No one else can do that for us. It is easier to sit back and wait for our partner to do his work, and hope and expect that his health will bring us happiness, but it just doesn’t work that way.

      Like

  4. I really needed to read this – I am well aware that my recovery needs to be active from within ME, but sometimes I get pissed off/resentful and sit back and watch him jump through hoops – which does not result in growth within me. I needed to be reminded that nothing changes, if nothing changes.

    Thank you daring xo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You’ve nailed it on the head. We can make our husband jump through every hoop, and even if he does it perfectly, it changes him. Not us. Watching from the sidelines does not bring us much of anything at all.

    Hugs and blessings to you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I guess that goes back to “the only person I can change is myself.” But what a beautiful thing that your husband chose to change himself too! God can do what seems impossible. Blessings as you continue on your journey, both individually and together with your husband.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, it does go back to “the only person I can change is myself.” I could have saved us all 500 words if I had just summarized it as that! Haha.

      I have personally experienced that God can do what seems impossible!! But it has also been my experience that our hearts need to be open and willing to step out of the way so that God can step in. Sometimes it is with a mighty roar, and sometimes a small whisper and change in a heart attitude. Either way is a powerful part of the miracle. We have been incredibly blessed because both of us chose to be powerless. And therein lies the power….

      Liked by 1 person

    • You are right that none of us will ever be the same. And right now, that is understandably sad. But yes, be encouraged, because there truly is hope!

      You are still you. And as cliche as it sounds, you will like you again, and likely even more, once you walk through this pain and find your growth and healing.

      I like me more now than at any other time in my life. I am a completely different woman, and yet more me than I have ever been. When I started my recovery, people told me I would be okay. But I am much more than okay. And that can be true for you too!

      Like

  7. Another beautifully crafted post that expresses how each person is on their own healing journey and nobody else can do it for them, nor can they do it for someone else. “What I found when my husband won, and his porn addiction lost, was a transformed man.” I love that! Your growing confidence in yourself shines through your words, but you are still so grace-filled and loving toward your husband. What a wonderful example you’re setting for those further back in their journey than you!
    I have nominated you for the “Light of the World” award for all your efforts to give God the glory in your healing process and help others see the importance of leaning on Christ as they travel similar roads. Don’t feel obligated, but if you’re interested, you can find the details at https://calledtobeawriter.wordpress.com/2018/05/31/light-of-the-world-award/

    Like

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