Why I Made Amends With a Sex Addict

I am a recovering partner of a recovering sex addict. Being restored from the devastating effects of my husband’s pornography addiction and intimacy anorexia, and the soul crushing rejection of a sexless marriage.

I am also a woman recovering from my own poor choices that caused myself and others pain and harm. That is the beauty of a recovery program. It has brought me to a place of mending things that I didn’t realize were broken or needed fixing. I felt regret, shame, and even occasional remorse for my behaviour and words over the years. But there it stopped.

If I am completely honest with myself, I was broken before I met my husband. The pain of my past is not all due to his addiction and mistreatment of me. Others sinned against me. I sinned against me. And I sinned against others, including my husband. In far more ways than just committing adultery.

As I began composing my Step Nine list of persons to whom I needed to make amends, my husband’s name was first on the list. I had confessed my affair to him a year earlier. Now was the time to acknowledge and apologize for my other offenses.

I have both heard and read the words of many partners of sex addicts who are resistant, and even hostile to the idea of making amends to the man who has so deeply wounded and sexually betrayed them. I believe part of the problem comes from the misunderstanding that making amends is for the addict’s healing, when in fact it is for ours. For me.

In owning my behaviour throughout our marriage, I cannot rationalize or blame my husband for the things that I have done that caused him pain or harm. I am responsible for cleaning my side of the street. Pulling the weeds from my own garden. Looking fully at my sin and acknowledging it to the person I sinned against. Asking for forgiveness regardless of where he is in his own recovery journey or ability to forgive me. It does not minimize, justify, or excuse my husband’s behaviour. It does not suggest that I am even partly responsible for, or a cause of it. It is just me being responsible for me.

I earnestly prayed for God to reveal to me the amends that I needed to make with my husband. If I was going to do this, I was determined to do this right. While searching every crevice of my heart, God faithfully uncovered new areas to me that had never previously been addressed, as well as confirmed behaviours that made me a little squirmy to confess.

I pulled out a fresh piece of paper and began making headings and listing specific examples beneath them.

Sexual: Nothing new here. But just the same, it couldn’t be ignored.

Emotional: My patterns of withholding love, praise, respect, physical affection from my husband.

Attitudes: Not including or inviting my husband to join in family activities. Husband bashing and putting him down. Not edifying, honouring, and respecting him to others.

Financial: Lying about how I spent money. Not discussing and hiding charitable donations and offerings. Admitting to stashing escape money and having a secret bank account.

Spiritual: Not praying for my husband. Refraining from inviting him to attend church with me. Not sharing God or His Word with him. Until I had prayed for God to expose my sinful behaviours to me, I had not even considered the notion that I was responsible for spiritually neglecting my husband by my failure to share Jesus with him. This broke my heart.

As I made my way through my list of amends, my husband sat listening with tears in his eyes and on his cheeks. I told him that if I had missed anything, it was not intentional. He said I hadn’t. I suggested that if he needed time to process my confessions, that was okay. He said he didn’t. I was offered immediate forgiveness.

I rejoiced in the freedom I received from releasing my secrets to my husband.

I delighted in the courage God provided me to whisper a scary prayer asking for a heart willing to make amends and be vulnerable with the man who had carelessly wounded it.

I stood in awe that not only did God create a willing heart in me, He placed a deep desire and eagerness within me to face my fears and profess my sinful behaviour to my husband.

I celebrated the confidence and knowledge God granted me that with Him, I can do hard things.

And that is why I made amends with a recovering sex addict. Because God guided me to a place where He could bring further healing to my heart, mend the pieces of my marriage that I broke, and most importantly, restore and grow my relationship with Him. And He did all of that.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

14 thoughts on “Why I Made Amends With a Sex Addict

  1. Oh Cynthia, I feel for you as I read you words about “cleaning up your side of the street. “ I know that feeling all too well- as you know my ‘cleaning my side’ is the only way my spouse was able to do take accountability for his own actions. It is difficult to face our own guilt and shame, but that’s the beauty of getting closer to God- how He releases us from that condemnation once we repent.
    How wonderful it is to be free, from our condemnation and holding on to resent towards our spouse when we’ve been betrayed. God Bless❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    • Facing our own sin, when our husband’s sinful behaviour somehow seems so much bigger, is indeed difficult. And humbling. In reading your comment, I realized that I never once used the word repent(ance) in my post. What an oversight on my part. It is the genuinely repentant heart that is able to begin the process of receiving freedom from shame and the ability to extend forgiveness to ourselves. I find that at this point in my recovery, when my thoughts wander back to the past, I have more condemnation and unforgiveness for myself than my husband. It helps to remind myself that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, but also for my shame. It is washed away if I let it go. When I let it go…..

      Liked by 2 people

  2. This made me teary eyed I must say.

    This one the hardest part of doing my step study…confessing my faults, whether hidden or outright flagrant, and making amends to my ex-wife, parents and friends. But, oh, what a washing of my soul it did as I laid myself open and vulnerable to those people I had hurt.

    This post has made me realize I need to do another step study…and soon. Just wow! Thank you for openly sharing yourself with us!!

    May, I link this to one one of my posts about how a spouse needs an outlet to heal?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just shared in my check in with my support group last night that writing my last two posts about making amends has made me realize I need to work on my Step 10 more consistently and well, constantly. “Continuing to take my personal inventory, and when I am wrong, promptly admit it.”

      Thank you for sharing your experience with making amends. I also did amends with others outside my immediate family. And as it was for you, I found the process and experience to be richly profound.

      You may link this post, or any that I have written or may write in the future, to your posts. I am delighted and honoured that you want to connect me with your ministry. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for another powerful message on the innumerable benefits of being truly repentant, seeking forgiveness, and making amends (“I believe part of the problem comes from the misunderstanding that making amends is for the addict’s healing, when in fact it is for ours.”) all because of your vulnerability and accountability in the recovery process on the path to total wholeness. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • The benefits are innumerable. More than one can imagine. The healing process and journey is unbelievably beautiful as you learn about yourself, God and what you are capable of together!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Your Spouse Needs An Outlet To Heal | Something to Stu Over

  5. The word prior to that verse are powerful as well.
    Phillippians
    11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

    14 Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.

    I am so proud of you and your progress. You’re doing amazing and God is rejoicing with you right now. God is saying whatever our circumstances to trust Him and you are doing that and getting all of your junk clean. Keep it up. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I do intend to keep it up!

      And thank you for showing the scripture in its context. It makes it all even more meaningful and powerful. ❤️

      Like

  6. Dear Sister,
    Your posts bless my heart.The growth you are experiencing in Christ brings me joy. He is so faithful! It’s good to be reminded of such things.

    Liked by 1 person

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