Celebrating My D-Day

If I had a D-Day, it would have been this week. My three year anniversary of Discovery Day. This generally refers to the day sexual sin is exposed in a relationship, forever changing the unsuspecting partner’s life. It is a moment of utter devastation and complete betrayal. However, for me, D-Day has a somewhat different meaning.

D-Day was the day I discovered me. Buried deep underneath the fragmented layers of a life destroyed by the neglect and rejection of a sexless marriage. It was the day the broken and crushed spirit within me found enough courage to fight for my soul. It was the day that I recognized the pain of staying the same was becoming greater than the pain of changing something. Anything. It was the day I decided I didn’t want to hurt anymore. D-Day was the awakening, not the breaking of me.

Not only was my soul awakened that day, but my eyes were also opened. My naivety and embedded beliefs that had accepted sexual and emotional abuse throughout my life were greatly challenged.

My husband was away from home. I sat down at his computer. I found pornography. That day, and the next, and the next. The magnitude of his porn use slowly sinking into my mind and my stomach.

I didn’t confront him. This was about me now. For the first time, this would be about me, not him. I needed the time to prepare and strengthen myself against the attacks of shame, blame, anger, and complete insanity I knew from experience would be deflected back to me. This time I would not allow him to confuse me and twist the truth so that I no longer knew what it was. I needed time to gain clarity and confidence.

A few days later, I was shaken by the revelation that my husband was able to look me in the eye and blatantly lie to me. As odd as it may seem, I had never actually considered that my husband was deceitful and untruthful with me at any time in our marriage. Finding out he was a liar disturbed me just as much as the pornography. I wondered how many times he had lied to me. How many times he had laughed at my gullibility. I felt foolish and stupid and betrayed.

The overwhelming emotions pushed me into action. I was no longer willing to be the wife who accepted a marriage devoid of affection, companionship, respect, intimacy, love and sex. I did not feel brave. I did not feel courageous. I felt battered and abandoned. I was about to change the role I was playing in my marriage but it did not unduly scare me. My life would be different, and have new challenges, but it couldn’t be worse. I might be married. I might be alone. But I would no longer be neglected and abused.

My D-Day is a birthday more than an anniversary. A celebration of a new beginning and a new life. I began to value me that week. More than my marriage and more than the façade of a happy family.

I began the journey to healing and wholeness on my own. Without my husband. And without inviting God to join me. Leaving God out wasn’t a deliberate omission, rather I just didn’t think about it at all one way or the other. Although I went to church regularly, and considered myself a Christian, the protective walls I had built around my heart were also a barrier to a functioning relationship with God.

Years earlier, I remember attending a church service where I clearly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and heard the whisper to open my heart and fully let Him in. And I also recall distinctly telling God no, I can’t do that, it would hurt too much. I believed that opening even the smallest sliver of my heart to God would release the floodgate of all my suppressed emotions and pain. It was my belief that my heart could not be both open to a relationship with God and closed to my husband. I chose to keep my heart wrapped up tight.

Many times throughout my marriage, God beckoned me to Him. He stretched out His arms to me and I consciously refused to draw close. My heart had been broken too many times by the people who were supposed to love and protect me. Even in the despair of the events leading to my D-Day, my distrust extended to God.

It took me a few weeks before I finally approached God with my shattered heart. And He was right there waiting for me. He gently took my heart and my hand in His, and set me on an unbelievable path of restoration and healing.

Looking back, I can see God’s orchestration all along. Even when I rejected and pushed God aside He waited patiently for me as a loving Father does. Even when I did not feel His presence He was there.  Even when I thought it was only me against a husband and world that had let me down, it wasn’t.

My D-Day was the end of my life as I knew it. I thank God every day for that new beginning. What the devil meant for evil, God meant for good. And it is good.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20

14 thoughts on “Celebrating My D-Day

  1. Happy new-life birthday! I’m so glad you took that first step to healing and invited God to join you on that journey. Your willingness to be open and vulnerable, and your courage in sharing your heart and the insights gained as you navigate the rocky road to wholeness, is an inspiration to me (and I’m sure others as well). May God continue to bless you and help you reach more and more people who need someone to show them the way out of their pain.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I really appreciate your encouragement and support of what I am writing. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath when I hit the “publish” button, so your affirmation means a lot to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are amazing! I’m so glad to hear that you now love yourself and you are no longer have disrespectful people in your life. It takes courage to move away from people who are monsters. God bless you. 🙂

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    • I do love myself now that I am on a journey to being the best me that I can be!

      At the time my blog post is written about, I did detach from my husband as I chose to seek healing for myself. I learned about setting boundaries to keep myself safe from his abuse. Blessedly, he chose to honour my boundaries and deal with his own monster of sex addiction. Today, I don’t allow toxic people or situations in my life, but am glad to say that doesn’t include my husband! We are both transformed people in a restored marriage successfully working daily on our recoveries and healing. Because I said “no more,” meant it, and live it. I am forever grateful for his change, but also needed to know that no matter what he does, I will be okay with or without him. And I will be.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

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      • Thank you. It is wonderful! Because sadly, I know that is not usually the case, and honestly, not the outcome I was expecting or preparing for when I realized I needed to save me. My very own miracle.

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    • Thank you for reading and commenting. It has taken me a long time to get to this place. Lots of bumps and falls and tears and hard work along the way, but it has been worth pushing through. It really is possible, and it is for you too! Keep hoping. Life really can get better for every one of us. It can and it does.

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  3. “It took me a few weeks before I finally approached God with my shattered heart. And He was right there waiting for me. He gently took my heart and my hand in His, and set me on an unbelievable path of restoration and healing.”

    Your testimony is so powerful. Thanks for finding my blog so I could find yours, too.

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  4. Cynthia, thank you so much for sharing your heart so openly. I’ve been reading the archives of your posts and though I haven’t commented until now your words have touched me deeply. I too have had the moment when I said enough, I am going to take care of me first. It’s been a year and a bit since that day and I am no longer the woman I was. I have been seeing a counsellor (who recommended your blog) for a couple months and it has given me the permission I needed to continue to move forward on my journey knowing I cannot change my partners addiction or intimacy anorexia. It’s so hard many days as my partner is currently choosing not to recover from his addiction or intimacy anorexia as far as I know. The silence, the lack of touch, it takes its toll. But God, He has called me deeper with Him and for the first time in so long I know I am loved and desired and cherished and I believe it with all my heart.

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    • (((Hugs))) to you precious Laura. I am so glad that you took the time to comment and let me know that my story is helping you on this crazy journey you are now on. I am sad to hear that your partner is currently not choosing to recover, but delighted that you are discovering your worth and choosing to chase after God and your own healing. Recovery really, truly, absolutely is worth the immense energy and effort it takes.
      I suspect that if you learned about my blog through your counsellor, that we have the same counsellor. If so, you are in very good hands. And Laura, I would love to connect with you outside of this blog if you are ever interested in doing that. We were never meant to walk this journey alone. For me, the relationships with the beautiful women I have met/connected with through my recovery and the partner’s support group have been instrumental to my healing. You can contact me directly any time at cynthiawintr@gmail.com and I can then contact you or provide you with my other contact info. Many blessings to you.

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