As a codependent in recovery I am learning that underneath all the patterns of codependent behavior is fear….and if you dig a bit deeper you will find underneath fear is a lack of trust….because all too often I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t micromanage (our new buzz word for control! )….yet, it is after I brush away all the excuses I find I am left with a choice…and isn’t that what faith is all about~choice…I am learning that trust is not a feeling-it’s a choice…I daily must make the choice to trust my Heavenly Father.
Ordinary faith says: if I do good things then good things will happen…whereas radical faith has its eyes wide open…when we choose to live radically we become fully aware that anything could happen but we choose to trust God, to trust Him no matter what.
All too often we divide life into good and bad, but life it what it is….but we are left with a choice…and for me this is where Grace comes in…..when I step out of the control trap I find GRACE….
I am sure we are all aware of Melody Beattie’s writings. (Codependent No More) I have her latest book called, The New Codependency, and in it she says: “Although I’ve changed significantly since writing Codependent no More, I still step in codependent puddles. I might get hooked into someone’s stuff, let their problems control me, over-engage, or start reacting instead of taking right action. I’ll let family conditioning affect me, neglect to set boundaries, or shut down emotionally. There are times I have to slam on the brakes, stop, and remember to take care of myself. I don’t sink in quicksand like I used to, but sometimes I revert to survival mode. That’s yesterday’s news. I don’t call that relapsing.
Caring about people we love, feeling victimized when we’re betrayed, giving our all to people we love, or wanting to control people because we’re watching them destroy themselves and hurt us doesn’t mean we’re sick. These are natural reactions…Codependency is about normal behaviors taken too far…it’s about crossing the line.”
Please understand I am not saying if you are in an abusive relationship that you are to stay and make the best of it….that isn’t what I am saying, but what I am saying is that we no longer have to allow our emotional well being and self worth to be dictated by how others feel about us, or act towards us, or what they expect from us, and whether we meet their expectations or not. We do not need to sacrifice our own desires to make sure that whatever we do keeps others happy and their lives at peace. It has taken me a lot of years to recognize and learn that my self worth is not bound to a co-dependent pattern of behavior…rather it has everything to do with my focus and trust in my Heavenly Father…..
20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.