Years ago in my counseling sessions we often talked about my anger, or maybe I should say my denial of anger. But then the day came when I knew it was time to look deeper, to explore it and go to the root……
I finally realized and was able to admit that all the built up anger I should have felt towards my abusers was the very anger I took and turned in on myself. I had misplaced my anger.
But I was terrified to look at the anger, what if I lost control…then I would be just like those who abused me, who used their anger to silence me, to wound and misuse me. I felt I would be no better than they were, I would be just like them. And I did not want to be like them.
Through counseling and prayer I was finally able to realize that I needed to be angry, I needed to feel the anger, and I needed to put the anger where it belonged. And that day I gave myself permission to not carry it anymore…for too long my anger had been misplaced…I needed to let go of the lie, to be free of it, not allowing it to keep me in bondage any longer.
Through prayer, in the spirit I went to the Lord…and in the safety of His love and acceptance I gave voice to the anger….I named it…and I felt it, deeply…. I gave myself permission to face the anger and I needed to do that in order to heal….I was finally able to put it where it belonged….towards my abusers and towards Satan, the enemy of my soul who had come to steal, kill and destroy me.
….and then, when I was ready I needed to give it to God…. in the spirit as I prayed I asked the Lord to take the anger, the rage….together in prayer with the sword of the spirit we cut off the anger at it’s root… I laid it at His altar, I let it go.
It felt like there was a gaping hole left in its place so I asked Him to fill that hole with His peace and serenity….with His unconditional love and acceptance… I asked Him to replace the anger with His grace and mercy….
I sought His forgiveness that I had denied my anger for so long, and in doing so had hurt those closest to me, and that I had withheld my love many times…and also that because my anger had been misplaced in turn I had hurt and wounded myself. Often abusing my own body whether through an eating disorder or other ways, I had not taken care of myself.
By repressing my anger I held on to the power their anger and abuse had had on me….it was time to let it go….
This time of prayer, which was close to two hours long, was a one time thing and I knew that day that the power my rage had on me was broken because I no longer felt that simmering anger and rage underneath. Although the power it held over me was broken it did take many years of growing and stumbling to learn how to deal with my anger when it surfaced and how to use it appropriately, and to no longer fear it or deny it.
There are still times when I must bring a memory or a trigger to the Lord for His flashlight of mercy, grace and love to shine upon my heart and seek His healing….
There is hope…for the victim of abuse the day will come when you will walk in freedom….with Jesus it is possible…. He will restore your heart and heal your wounds….its what He does!!