Ogres Have Layers

There’s a prayer I’ve been praying, one that I didn’t write, and there’s a part of that prayer where I ask God for “a deep and true repentance”.  Each time I pray that prayer I wonder what that means and how I’ll know it when I see it.  Besides that, self-forgiveness has been a bit of a theme recently on this blog and I think that’s been true for a reason.  Forgiveness and repentance…  repentance and forgiveness…  two topics that have swirled around inside me lately like dried up leaves on a windy day.  I know God is working on me in all of that.  He has a persistent way of reminding me of things.  

Have you ever learned something you thought you understood but later found out what you knew was superficial?  Forgiveness and repentance, it seems, like ogres and onions, have layers.

I messed up last month and did something I would give almost anything to undo.  In my life I’ve done quite a lot of things I regret, and have had many chances to repent.  This time feels different.  Something has changed and my sin feels different than it ever has to me because my understanding of sin is fresh.  Many times in the past I have sinned, felt regret, said the magic words, asked for forgiveness, and resolved never to do it again.  This time feels like the first time in all of that I haven’t also on some level made an excuse for myself.  There is no excuse.  I sinned by choice.  I am completely at the mercy of God.  And it’s slowly sinking in to me that I have been all along.  

Pride doesn’t want grace.  Pride can’t admit it’s necessary.  Pride makes excuses rather than forgives.  You can’t forgive yourself without admitting you stand in need of real forgiveness.  It requires a lot of humility to peel back the layers of the heart and let God in to do His redemptive work.  My pride has gotten in the way for too long.  Thank God for His patience with me.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Ogres Have Layers

  1. Thanks for your honesty. This just pearced my heart and i’m sorry for the pain you have felt because of your choices.

    Ahhhh yes, choices…
    I fear I am making my own excuses and perhaps attaching blame to so many others. I find myself identifying more with your post of not long ago, “Invictus”. It has long been a favorite but for few if any of the reasons you mentioned. Placing the blame on everyone else seems to free me to excuse my own poor choices that have been all to frequent lately. My life seems sucked deep into the quagmire of anger, rebellion & pride that are both the source, and the end result of my choices. I do so need to come to a place of trust so that I can come to a place of repentance & forgiveness…but honestly I am so afraid to trust anyone anymore…even God…especially God. it’s funny, (or not) even my counselor says I’m at an impasse. for those of you who are, please keep praying for me… I have no where else to go

    Like

  2. I prayed for you this morning Lynn. I pray that God will help you break through the impasse. Be patient with yourself, dear heart. You are loved by many!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s