When I first admitted to myself, to God, and to another human being that I had been sexually abused, the world screeched to a jarring halt. Wave after wave after wave of emotional pain washed over me. I lost track of the painful days, of how much time had passed. I stopped estimating how many more painful waves were waiting ahead of me, surrendering to the distinct possibility that the end would never come. From the outside, life went eerily on. But inside it was like I was watching an old black and white TV while someone unknown to me was screwing with the vertical and horizontal knobs.
Then one day I read Isaiah chapter 40 and a single phrase lit up in my heart like a distant lighthouse in a foggy night. He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart. I was that lamb, nestled in my true Father’s arms, my head resting contentedly on His chest. At that moment I believed I was going to make it.
The same week a friend taught me a simple song that I still can’t sing through without choking up:
day by day
you reveal your love to me
cradled in your arms
a precious lamb
a diamond in your eyes
The word picture painted by that song is always with me. A love letter from God, tattooed on my Spirit. And while I know that I may never fully understand the love of God, never grasp it’s width or measure off the height of it, I know that I Believe. I believe that He is Good; that He Loves me nobly and unselfishly with no secret agenda; that when I can’t keep up with His long strong strides He will scoop me up again and whisper to me to rest in the safety of His warm embrace. And that knowledge is enough for today.