The Little Girl Inside

I can make myself forget but she always remembers.  

I can deny what I know but she won’t be silenced.  

I can ignore the truth but she won’t look away.  

I can control her but she refuses to bow.  

I can lie but she keeps her integrity.  

I can hide in fear but she stands courageously.  

I can forgive but she remains angry.

I can compromise but she cries out for justice.

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15 thoughts on “The Little Girl Inside

  1. So then my question to you is…how do the two live and co-exist together? As an adult now, how do you reframe your life? How do you parent the little girl within?

    I know how God has and continues to heal the little girl within me….how even now I am looking at the connection of how my caregivers took care of me as an infant and how today there is a direct link to how I care for my body….

    I’m asking these questions for the simple reason of digging deeper…let’s unpack this and talk about it…

    ….sending hugs your way dear friend….

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  2. I’ve thought about my answer to your questions for three days now…not sure I still have an answer although you have definately provoked questions.
    So, How do i “parent” her? I still don’t quite know what to do with my little girl I hold her in such contempt. it’s like I look at her
    (and I know this will sound horrible) like an unwanted pregnancy that I just want to get rid of…but I can’t do it so I will just abandon her…that is what was done to me. From the age of 11 on I was pretty much on my own. the difference is that for now I can “see myself” abandoning her into Jesus’s arms then turning and running away. Rather than hurting her anymore, at least he will know how to take care of her, love her and he will show me how some day. that is my only hope for her. I simply cannot handle this myself the way I have always done life. managing, controlling, stuffing and when all else fails running. No he birthed this, He brought it to life again. this child I never knew, he will have to re-introduce me to her and show me how to parent her. If I am not hurting her, blameing her , I don’t know what to do with her.
    this sounds so pathetic as I re-read it, please forgive me I don’t want to be cruel & heartless…It’s just all that I get when I go to that place of remembering her. sorry

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  3. Lynn I can understand that. I realized this week that I’ve treated that inner child as if it was my sinful nature. Now I’m beginning to realize how much I actually need and even appreciate that little girl inside. I don’t know what changed, maybe just thinking and talking about it. So I think you’re actually on the right track by being able to verbalize what you did and that you see what you’re doing.

    Sending love and prayers for all of us who struggle with this tonight…

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  4. Lynn, please do not apologize….first of all healing is a process…it takes time and I believe we are to never, ever rush it…when God wants to do a deep work in our lives He does not rush us, He gives us all the time we need…He is patient and He has no time table…not like we do…sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack!! 🙂

    It’s Sunday morning as I write this and I don’t have much time right now…but, I want to come back to this…so for now I will be in prayer and will come back to this in the next few days….rest in Him…simply rest and wait for His timing…and give yourself permission to take all the time needed.

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  5. I’ve forgotten most of my childhood, and sometimes find myself trying to forget my “present” hurts. Lord, please make me forget I say…then I quickly retort Oh Lord not again, please hlep me to deal with the pain.

    I’ve deserted my family so I could forget. I wear the label “victim” so they don’t have to wear their labels “abuser”. Satan has lied time and time again that I am “protecting” my family by my silence. I am not! My family is a torn family album of broken marriages, broken hearts, living our own lives according to our own wills.

    We have molded God’s living word so we could have our way and avoid the pain of living with hate, contempt, and unforgiveness.

    As I try to redeem what satan has stolen, I learn to parent my children, forgive my husband, me, and my family.

    We have a small group who meet to read and talk about what we’ve learned in the Wounded Heart book and workbook. We’ve manifested many of the problems from reopened wounds. We’ve begun to bind and rebuke those strategies of the enemy to turn us inside out, and loosed the holy spirit to do his work in and through us while he binds our wounds with the healing balm of Gilead.

    I ‘m still dealing with the roots of contempt, and being a victim rather than a “VICTOR”.

    Jesus took the stripes for us, and for those that abused us. Forgiveness releases us to practice God’s amazing grace. I have to remind myself daily that I and all sinners have been covered by the blood shed at Calvary by our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Past sins, the sins committed to our face defiantly and on purpose today, and the sins which will come tomorrow: the debt was paid before we existed. Realizing this and living it are two very different things.

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  6. It took me 10 years to forgive myself for the first time (after my first child was aborted), 4 more years to forgive myself daily, 19 years to forgive my husband, and 3 more years to forgive him daily (I still have to remind myself to do this but I usually don’t catch it until contempt is manifesting)

    I’ve had 3 pregnancies, and I have two boys, and a broken marriage. I’ve struggled through awful books which encouraged women survivors to be lesbians, I struggled through years of depression, and finally divorce.

    My family is hurting still from all the issues but with God’s help I remain present in the midst of it all, and I’m trying to stay submitted to the leading and prompting of the holy spirit. The load is so much easier when I drop the pack at the foot of the cross, Jesus carries it, and I simply put my hand in his and follow.

    May the Lord continue to keep you. May the balm of Gilead heal your woundedness. Blessings, Shawna

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us Shawna. It truly gives hope. I really like what you said about needing to forgive yourself and your husband each and every day. That was something I needed to hear.

    God bless you!
    Lisa

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  8. I’m so glad to hear that my journey of pain and healing has helped in some small way. It makes it all have a purpose and not just…nothingness.

    I could not forgive anyone in my life until I could forgive ME.
    Each time I would get offended, I would add it to the
    h-u-m-o-n-g-o-u-s pile of offenses. I dunno why I was stockpiling them.

    The contempt I deal with now is about control. I will control IF I apologize, WHEN I apologize, and HOW I apologize. I manifest in rolling my eyes, tapping my foot, trying to control what the other person says (to my liking, of course) and I understand it makes the other person feel like they don’t deserve to be alive or breathe air. I cannot tell you this grieves my spirit…I am asking God to bring the Godly-sorrow, repentence, and strength to restore the dignity that my haughty attitude has stolen from others. I am asking God to open my eyes to all manner of my communication, spoken and seen, in order to bring restoration to relationships, healing and not harm.

    The road to healing from wounds has been full of disillusion, confusion, anger, indignation, wrath, contempt, unforgiveness all coming to the surface. This is the process of sanctification…God refining us into the finest gold..but this requires the dross (or crud, I say) to rise to the surface (in the midst of crisis or heated to our boiling point and FLASH-BANG) and then the holy spirit can work in us and through us (at our invitation) and the dross can be poured off.

    I pray the fruits of the holy spirit will be my reward as well as a family which understands how to live peaceably with each other, and others.

    I hid from the memories for years and years. It was easy to “forget” but then I “forgot” nearly everything, even the things I wanted to remember so I could treasure them….all gone.

    I would touch on it every couple of years, crying every day in between, feeling the most awful sense of hopelessness, and just wanting to stop the agony.

    Healing is a process. Forgiveness is a process. Loving God is where it all starts.

    As I was writing I realized that forgiving would’ve been so much easier if I had set my priority to love GOD first, He is afterall the Creator of the universe, heaven and hell, and He knew at the creation what our trials would be, and how He would use it for good…after it brought us, broken and weak, to the foot of the cross, accepting the gift of salvation, and finding the mustard-seed of faith within to leave our worries there.

    God grant us all the strength to allow our broken-ness to glorify You. Lord, let the process of sanctification be done in Your timing, and through Your vision. Abba father, Daddy, Lord, I pray that each reader allow you access to their wounds, their tears, and fears for your ointment and salve to heal us, and to help us restore to others what we have taken. Lord help us to forgive You, ourselves, our families, and those that wounded us whether wiffully or not. Lord work in us the change to bring wholeness. Let it be. Lord, we thank you that your word says that all we need to do is ask, and it shall be given. Thank you for answering our prayers, Father. Thank you Lord for wholeness. Amen.

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  9. Very well said Shawna! And what a beautiful prayer!

    I know exactly what you mean about the dross. I think abuse more than anything left me confused about who I am and where I stand with God. The hardest thing has been to see my brokenness as an opportunity for God’s grace. But when I finally do – what a relief!

    Thank you so much for reading and sharing your beautiful heart here!

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  10. I just found this and am compelled to respond. I have only one time even “seen” the child within. My therapist took me quite unexpectedly “within”…and asked me to look for the little girl and describe her… and I did without realizing where I was or what/who I was observing. I even wrote about it after but it/she still seems so distant from me.

    You all speak of despising or despair of this child within and I don’t even know she exists for the most part… except that I know we “went there”… and I did “see” her.

    So, I guess I am confused about “her”… as I feel absolutely nothing for her for the most part…

    Yet, I hear so many survivors speak of this and wonder what is wrong with me…that I don’t feel or see this particular thing (for lack of a better word). Yet, I don’t doubt what my therapist and I did that time… and I know he has encouraged me to “parent” myself…but I am not sure I understand this whole concept…

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    • Linda you need to know that there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s a complicated and confusing issue and we all have our own unique ways of processing things. I’ve done my share of comparing myself to others and my path to healing to the paths of other. I’ve never benefitted from doing that – it’s almost always left me more confused. Please continue to lay these questions at the Lord’s feet and patiently pursue His answers. And thank you for taking the time to read and comment here. If you ever are drawn to share more of your story – we are listening.

      Peace,
      Lisa

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  11. The one time I “saw” that girl was when I disassociated in the office and my therapist had me go inward and look for “her”…he had me describe the journey… after that session I wrote the following:

    A broken wall
    In a broken building
    Debris scattered
    Dark place

    Desolation
    No joyful faces
    No happy sounds
    Sad place

    In the corner
    Rolled in a ball
    A bit of humanity
    Hurtful place

    Stringy hair
    Tattered clothes
    Neglected child
    Needy place

    Yet someone come
    Sent by another
    Someone reaches out
    Quizzical place

    Being held
    Warm tears
    A loving embrace
    Healing place

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  12. A healing touch, compassion, empathy…what wonderful gifts we can bestow on others.

    Kind words can be healing to those in pain, like a salve, to heal our wounds.

    A term of endearmenet…sweetie, honey, darling, love, princess, baby girl…what wonderous things to behold when the heart has been hurt so horribly…its a life raft in the midst of the storm, a shield of protection in a raging battle.

    It is such a momentous gift…a step closer to healing….being able to love again, to move onward, taking the risk of loving again….all because an endearment, a sweet word, an affirmation fills us with hope and strength.

    Healing takes on an ever-changing face. It evolves from one stage to another.

    I pray the evolution of your soul moves you into a positive direction.
    Shawna

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