Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?
Maybe you are not like me…maybe you can forgive yourself no problem. But for me, well…truthfully I find it easier to forgive others than to forgive myself many times.
Why is that? I can sit down and pray, giving up all the guilt and remorse. I can sincerely give it over to God, saying I let it go….and that lasts for, oh, maybe 15 minutes or so and then I find I am picking it up again. Then the voice of regret begins to whisper once again reminding me of my past.
But you know what? I don’t think I am alone in this. Like I read somewhere once that we can hold out the olive branch to everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves, we only bring it close enough to grab the occasional leaf off of the thing.
I think the stones we throw at ourselves are the ones that hit the hardest, and leave the deepest bruises.
Self-forgiveness seems so elusive sometimes…why is that? Why is it so hard, and even more-why do we have to do it, and how can we?
I confess that I still carry around my own stone. *quiet tears*….but as I process, journal and pray I trust and believe and know that healing will come, and it will get easier to forgive myself… already I feel the grip on the stone lessening.
I’m going to be exploring this in the next while…I hope you will join me in this journey and share your experiences and what you have learned regarding self-forgiveness.
Tears in a Bottle 
i’m glad you’re going to be talking more about this
it’s hard but important and i for one still have a lot to learn
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I am so far from being able to tolerate myself let alone forgive myself. if I stay with the grown woman and live in the present I do much better. if I go to the little girl i can’t hardly stand to see her, remember her let alone forgive her. I don’t throw stones (good thing I guess, I was a pretty good ball player)I do however direct huge salvos of destruction upon myself in various ways. then when there’s no more anger left to vent I crawl up into Jesus lap and let him hold me.
As for your stone that you are still carrying, why don’t you let Jesus write a new name upon it and wear it around your neck as an ornament like it says in Revelation. then every time you look upon it you can see how he is changing you & your tears into joy. Now I would like to believe my own words here but I’m trying to let him chisel my millstone down to about diamond in the rough size .
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Lynn, I just wrote a new post ….and then when I read your response here I realized that I am touching on the very thing you find so hard…to forgive ourselves as a little girl…to speak words of comfort or compassion to that little girl…to offer love and understanding…
Write a new name on the stone…I like that!! I may very well do that-thank you!!
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Just last year I was finally able to find a picture of myself as an eight year old little girl.. That is all I have of the child, one picture. The rest is just bad memories…
I have tried Connie and I will continue to do so but I don’t know how to get beyond the unbelievable contempt & disgust I have for her. I can hardly bear to look at that picture. It almost feels like a blessing that I don’t have more reminders or items passed down from my childhood. I know it sounds so horrible but I keep running into a wall with this one. If I take that picture down out of the closet and try to love her I’m not sure what will happen. it’s like I’m in sort of a cease fire here and don’t want to set hostilities off once again. Do you understand what I mean?
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I do understand Lynn, and so for now perhaps it is best to wait….wait on the Lord and for the right timing…if you are not ready or are afraid then wait…or if you are not in counselling so that you’ve a safe place to run too then wait…yet, at the same time if the Lord nudges you then take the risk,take the step of faith-trusting that the timing is His and it is right-He will catch you when you step off that cliff.
Listen for His voice…and until then-love the Lynn you are today…take care of Lynn!!
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Well Connie, I had to laugh at your “cliff jumper” reference. Was that an intentional reminder of my former “name” or simply “spirit” inspired? I have jumped off and for the last two years I have been in an all out war. So I am afraid to keep going and even more afraid to stop. I feel like I’m running out of time you know. I’ve hidden from this for 45 yrs and finally at captivating my walls came down. I just had no idea how painful it would be. Soooooo, yes I have “counselor’s” I actually have a “tag team” one for if I run in one direction and another for the other options out there. More importantly my husband is amazing & fights for my heart. He tries very hard to understand and loves me as I am. he tells me he loves everything about that little girl and the woman and that someday I will too…someday, just not today.
BTW…when you do jump off cliffs it’s good to have a “soft place to land” is there any word yet???
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Lynn, oh my gosh…I never thought of your former name CliffJumper…my apologies if it brought you any pain, it was not intentional….I sometimes use that phrase cause sometimes taking risks feels like jumping off of a cliff, it’s downright scary!!
I am so glad to hear that you have people in place to be there when you need them…and our husbands, they are Godsends aren’t they!!
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Connie, there was no pain…it was great. See cliff jumper was always meant to be a good name, speaking of exactly the same thing you are saying. I wanted to so trust someone, anyone, but especially GOD so much so that I could jump off of that “scary place” into his arms. At captivating sitting on the cliffs above the camp I made that decision. The ride down however over the last two years has been a bit “bumpy” and we landed in a place I never thought i would ever have to go back to…my childhood. So now I go on from there. I want to trust him still, not just say the word , but deep down gut wrenching total abandonment kind of trust…like jumping off a cliff, or even out of an airplane which I just did a month ago. It was all about trust. I just wish it wouldn’t hurt so damn much. Trusting someone for me was always conditioned upon my feeling safe. though I know in my head all the answers about God protecting me I feel everything BUT safe on this journey.
Oh well, I’ve gone on too much here. Hope you have a good day & thanks for “talking”
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