Just this past week the Lord gave me a vision that healed a part of my heart long ago wounded, and long ago buried.
On my wedding day some 30 years ago, although I was dressed in white and felt like the radiant bride, something happened that took that joy away and clothed me instead with a garment of shame and sadness.
It was just before the reception when my aunt took me aside into a small room adjacent to the main hall, to talk to me she said. I had no clue as to what she could possibly want to say to me. But I followed her, cautiously optimistic, hopeful even. Could this possibly be one of those times when a mother would take her daughter aside and say beautiful, life giving words to her, just like in the movies I thought?
She only spoke a few words to me that day as she looked me square in the eye and said words that wielded a death blow to the one day where I felt like a beautiful, accepted and loved woman.
She said simply, “Your marriage will never work, because you will never be satisfied.”
That’s it…no explanation, nothing. She walked out of the room and I stood there for a few seconds more, baffled….and bleeding….my heart wounded….now I was supposed to go out and pretend that all was okay. I was to enjoy the rest of my wedding day? How? How could I face people, is this how they saw me? Is this what my new husband saw? I felt ashamed and hurt. No longer did I feel the radiant bride, instead I felt dirty and ashamed. I felt stained. My beautiful wedding dress felt heavy and torn. I hid the tears and found the courage to walk out and face the guests and my new husband. But something was lost that day.
I internalized her words and I interpreted her words to mean I was selfish. Her words set me up to believe and accept that I was selfish, that I could never be satisfied and from then on I strove to not be selfish. Everything I did from then on, I did to prove I was not a selfish person.
Her words were like a curse that day….and it followed me around like a dark shadow…..casting its distinct glow on all that I did as a wife, a mother, a friend, a woman of God. I donned the cape of superwoman just to prove I was not selfish, that I could be satisfied with even the crumbs under the table….I could settle for anything less than ideal, even if it hurt me or cost me something.
Then, two weeks ago out of the blue the thought came to me that on my wedding day I really didn’t feel worthy of wearing a beautiful, white wedding gown. After all I wasn’t a pure, spotless bride. I was tainted and ashamed. Hmm, I thought…I think God may be wanting to tell me something here…I’ve learned that when things like this from the past pop into my mind that often it is God preparing my heart for revelation.
Then one day last week as I was speaking with my counselor I realized that what my aunt had said to me was a curse. So we went to the Lord and prayed about it. As I renounced the curse and the effect it had on me and also repented of any bitter-root judgments I had against my aunt, the Lord gave me a vision.
I once again saw myself in that little room with my aunt, but this time after she left and I stood there alone….I looked up and saw the Lord standing there with me. He simply placed His hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. Smiling, He wrapped around me a beautiful robe of pure, dazzling white; it shimmered in the light of His radiance. He then took me by the hand and walked with me out of that room and into the waiting hall and room full of guests. As I walked out I sensed not shame, but a radiance…I realized that the radiance not only shone from the One walking beside me but it shone from me as well….I was no longer clothed with the cloak of shame but rather a radiance that came from Him and warmed me from head to toe…clothed in His brilliance and enveloped in His love…..the shame was gone……I once again felt like a radiant bride awaiting her husband…..and then together we walked out into the room and He gathered me in His arms and we danced.
The shame, the wound, the striving was gone….I felt like I could now rest in His presence and in those around me….no more striving….no more guilt, no more shame….I was accepted in the beloved….a pure, radiant, spotless bride….clothed in the robes of righteousness, robes that had been purchased by my Lord….He had paid the ultimate price for my healing, for my joy, for my acceptance, for my freedom….for me….I stand next to my husband now of 30 years and I feel worthy…worthy because of Christ and all that He has done for me and all that He is….