The Man With No Face

I am small in my bed.  I must be five or six.  I am on the bottom bunk.  I look up at the wooden slats supporting the mattress above me.  The glow-in-the-dark stars are there so I won’t be afraid.  There’s an amazing mural painted on the wall.  The Cat in the Hat balancing on a ball.  My mom painted it.  My mom is the best artist I know.  Two squares of light appear in the corner and move slowly across the wall, then disappear into the closet.  After a minute they appear again, this time starting from the closet and moving in the opposite direction.  The fading whine and rumble was louder that time.  Must have been a truck.

There is someone in my room.  It’s a man.  His hair is black.  He is over me.  I am being squished.  I am being pushed.  I can’t breathe right.  His hand is over my mouth.  His hand is on my mouth and I can’t scream.  My hips are being pushed down, down deep into the bed.  I struggle to get free, but I can’t.  I can’t move.  I am too small.  The man is too big.  Pain washes over me.  Waves of pain.  Wave after wave of unbearable, unimaginable pain.  Oh God, make it stop.  Please make it stop!  I am being punished.  I am being vivisected.  I am … BAD!

   In my memory, there is something strange about the man’s face.  It’s all gray.  It’s missing.  Somehow I took a giant pink eraser and rubbed it out from the picture.  The man’s identity was something I refused to see.  It was the truth I refused to know.

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4 thoughts on “The Man With No Face

  1. you should be so proud that you could actually write it, because putting into words, means that it did happen.
    something i am still afraid to do.

    Like

  2. Thank you ‘me’. Finding your comments today was an encouragement to me.

    I said a prayer for you. May God comfort us in His great compassion and soothe away the fear.

    Like

    • It is good for you that you wrote this and it is for others. I think there is something there in my childhood that i refuse to remember. I didn’t now, but I believe someone else who reads this may remember something from their past and it is crucisl, if there is something to be healed from. My sexuality has been such a mess that there is no doubt something happened. I just don’t know what.

      Like

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