It’s all up to ME!

I just spent two days praying with two dear friends.  Going away for two days to pray would not have sounded fun even a year or two ago.  Praying used to seem like hard work.  Instead it was amazing and beautiful and peaceful and hilarious and deeply satisfying.  God was there waiting for us and He is an excellent host!  I think He enjoyed our time as much as we did.  It was better than I had hoped for.

Do you ever read a passage of Scripture and wonder where it had been your whole life?  Do you think God sneaks new stuff in?  Maybe it’s just my imagination, but I don’t remember ever reading this before:

The Lord GOD has given Me the tongue of disciples,
         That I may know how to sustain the weary one with a word 
         He awakens Me morning by morning,
         He awakens My ear to listen as a disciple. 

I spent a lot of time listening these last two days.  There was one particular moment of clarity I had on long and beautiful solitary hike.  In my family of origin crisis was par for the course.  We were indoctrinated in a lifestyle that kept us perpetually in survival mode.  As soon as I was able I left that lifestyle as far behind as I possibly could by always trying to work hard and do the right thing and take care of the people around me.

But now I’m beginning to think I ended up back where I started.  Over the years I keep finding myself trying to do the hardest things I can possibly do.  I push myself to the limit.  Then when the stress level is familiarly high and the anxiety starts to get out of control and the panic sets in I think to myself, ‘ah yes, I knew it was true, it’s All up to Me!’

So, yeah… sinisterly arrogant.  I am not yet where I want to be.  But I’m glad I saw it.  That’s a start.  There’s hope for me yet.

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