I have a big black hole inside me where my parents should go. I’m starting to realize just how deep it goes. God has blessed me with wonderful relationships. He has placed me in an extended family called the church and that family thrills and satisfies me and more than heals all wounds from the family I was born into. With one exception. The problem is with me. I haven’t been able to sustain an intimate relationship with older men or women who look out for me the way moms and dads are supposed to look out for their kids. I haven’t been able to trust or share my heart with anyone I sense wants that kind of relationship with me. It’s not like I have a lot of offers anyway. I appear so confident and competent. I don’t seem to ‘need’ it but that confidence covers a deep unmet need I haven’t been able to show. So how do you do it? Has anyone reading this ever been able to find a mom or dad substitute who really cared, who fought for you, who called you out? Have you been able to sustain a relationship that set things right and healed old wounds? How?
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Tears in a Bottle 
I have been blessed to have two older women in my life who have been like mothers to me. One moved away several years ago and I grieved her moving. But God in His generosity brought into my life an older scottish woman, Mary, who has blessed me beyond measure.
A number of years ago I went through a horrible time in a church where one woman was slandering me…well, Mary fought for me…I won’t go into detail but the fact that she fought for me, really fought for me…. helped to heal so many of my mother wounds. I remember weaping when I found out what she had done for me. And her words soothed my bruised soul as she helped me deal with slander and back-stabbing. Her wisdom spoke volumes and it was through this that we grew closer.
She offers to me encouragement, her own life lessons and mistakes, she sets me straight when I need it (in a gracious, loving manner), she speaks words of life, but most of all she loves me just as I am and gently pushes me to be more than I am….to see myself as God sees me…..and she shares with me her life and experiences-all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly….and I learn from her, I learn from her mistakes….I love her!
She makes crochet afghans for me and for my granddaughters because she says I don’t have a mother to do it for me….
I have a relationship with her that I wished I could have had with my mother…..it took time and getting to know each other….it took the risk of sharing my heart at the beginning…I sensed in my spirit that my heart was safe with this wiser, older woman….and of course her scottish accent and warm embrace melted away an reservations or fears….God has used her to heal many wounds and to often see things from an older womans perspective….I am blessed.
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Did she initiate the relationship with you or did you initiate the relationship with her? How did you bring yourself to trust her? Do you have a similar relationship with a man who acts like a father to you? Is it harder to envision having such a relationship with a man? Does she know your story?
Sorry for asking so many questions, but I really want to know. I’m praying for God to fill this hole in me and I realize that I’m very picky. It seems like an almost impossible thing to find.
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If I can remember right I knew who she was years ago and then we ended up going to the same church. We would often sit in the same pew with her or at least close by. So I would strike up a conversation with her and bit by bit we got to know each other. Her granddaughter and my daughter were friends so we had that in common. Plus I found out she liked to read so when I took over as church librarian I asked her to assist me. And the rest is history.
It took me time to trust her with deep heart issues. I am quite careful and hesitant with relationships…it takes me awhile but once I am a friend I am a friend for life. It also helped me to trust her because she shared heart issues with me that I knew she didn’t just share with anyone….we’ve laughed and cried together. She was estranged from a daughter for years so it wasn’t that she had a perfect life…in fact she had had many hardships in her life.
I believe that the Lord brought us together….we needed each other….I needed a mentor thats for sure. And yes, she knows my story, all of it….she has walked through some tough times with me….
As to having a man as a father figure or mentor…not really…..that is a harder one for me….in truth I’ve never asked the Lord for that kind of older man in my life…not sure how I would handle that….or if I honestly want that….no wait- I probably would want that but it tends to scare me more and I would be even more cautious…
And you know what, I think it is wise to be picky. I know I was….I never started out to choose her as a mentor but we just connected and our friendship grew from there.
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Thank you for answering my questions. I’m praying for this to happen to me too. But in fact I think I’m very VERY picky. And I think — no I know that the idea of a mother mentor scares me more than a father mentor.
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Why do you think the idea of a mother mentor scares you more than a father mentor? I know your mother was very abusive so it stands to reason why you would be very hesitant….has your father been more absent & unavailable so is this why it would be easier to have a man as a mentor?
For me, because it was the men in my life who were so overtly abusive it makes it very difficult…whereas my aunt was a non-offending parent…..yet when it came to forgiveness, my aunt was one of the hardest to forgive!!
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Yes I think you explained it right. I went for years at a time without seeing my dad for most of my life. So in my imagination he became good. Like Good King Richard who would one day come and set things straight.
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