Angry at God

I am angry at God. I have looked deep inside my heart and found a secret so private I have kept it hidden even from myself. I, who Love God and have spent my life trying to serve him, have protected a buried green and purple festering mass. I have denied it. I have lied about it. I have belittled others who had it. But there it is.

I AM angry at God. The horrible paradox sends sharp stabs of pain through my temple, down my neck and into my shoulder. I have not slept well, eaten much, or thought clearly since the moment I realized the terrible truth. But it is true. I can no longer deny it. Surely God, who cannot lie, must have known all along. Surely God, who sees my heart, must have been wondering when I would have the courage to look. Surely God, who has searched me, is not shocked. But I am.

I am ANGRY at God. This isn’t the feeling I want to feel. I want to Love Him. I want to Trust Him. I want to Adore Him. I even want to Fear Him. I order myself to feel differently, but my heart defiantly shakes its furious fist. I feel what I feel and that feeling is Anger. Why did God fail to protect me? Why did He send me to such an unloving home? Why did He fail to meet my most basic needs? Why did He not keep me safe?

I am angry AT God. If I could only be angry because of God. If I could only be filled with a Godly, righteous anger. I would stand beside Jesus with a whip and drive out the money changers from the temple. I would tie a millstone around a child-corrupter’s neck and throw him into the depth of the sea. Or let me be angry for God. Let me fight with Caleb against God’s enemies. Let me drive evildoers out of God’s righteous land. But instead I am angry at the only One I cannot be angry at.

I am angry at GOD. God, the author of everything cool. God, the origin of everything I love. God, who gives every ounce of joy and peace and importance to the life I have. I am angry at God. God, who is Love. God, who is Truth. The truth is I am angry. If I deny it, I deny myself. If I deny myself, I deny Him. If I deny my anger, I am calling Him small. I’m saying He is petty and cruel and demands dishonest love. If I deny my anger, I’m falsely accusing Him. I’m saying He wants mindless minions who flatter His ego. I’m saying He can’t handle the truth in my heart. If I deny my anger, I’m saying He doesn’t really Love me. I’m saying He doesn’t know what Love is. True Love wants the Truth. Perfect Love casts out fear. True Love Trusts, and I trust Him with my last hidden truth. I fall at His feet, pounding my fists on the floor. I have nowhere else to go. I yell and scream and rage and God pulls me up onto His lap. He looks into my eyes and for the first time in my life, I know He sees me just as I am. My anger turns to tears and I sob into His shoulder. I am angry at God.

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10 thoughts on “Angry at God

  1. I hear your tender heart in this…..and you know what? You are not alone. If we could be totally vulnerable and honest the majority of us have at one time felt the same way or perhaps some still feel that anger….but only don’t know it or acknowledge it…instead too often this anger is directed at others or at ourselves.
    I remember when I first discovered that underneath the all the anger I felt and when I finally had the courage to peel away the layers- that underneath the anger towards others and towards myself was really a deep-seated anger towards God himself-rage even…..you are not alone….its a good place to be….you’ve taken such a huge step of courage my friend, and now that you have- God is free to come in and heal……

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  2. I wonder if I could be so honest “outloud” with God.
    But why shouldn’t I be?
    He knows what is in my heart already.
    I have felt anger.
    I had prayed so hard.
    And I could not figure out why this prayer was not answered.
    I had prayed with such trust and believeing. I just knew he would answer my prayer, in His time and in His way.
    But Not This Way.
    I do not like this answer.
    But I am accepting it.
    I am trying to accept it.
    He knows I was hurt and disappointed, because he knows what is on my heart even before I think it?
    I know He will work things out for the good. He will give me a blessing in here. When will I see this blessing?
    In about 5 more months, that’s when.
    And I know I will fall in love with His precious gift as soon as I see it and look into her eyes.
    I just received a gift I was not expecting or thought I wanted.
    Thank you Lord for loving me even when I was angry.

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  3. Dear Celia,
    God’s heart for you is good.
    God’s love for you is strong.
    You can be honest with Him.
    You can trust Him.
    Prayers and Blessings,
    Lisa

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  4. I know what you mean, tearsinabottle .
    I am also angry at God.
    I had a difficult time growing up.
    I got into screaming matches with my mother when she was angry at me for challenging her.
    She did not know how to handle anger either.
    My mother was abused by my father.
    My father abandoned us when my brother and I were little.

    My anger is bottled up deep inside me.
    I always tried to run from my true feelings.
    I have a million questions in my head.
    Why did He let my mother be abused?
    Why did He let my father abandon us?
    Why did we have to struggle emotionally for years?
    Why did my mother have to be so anxious and cautious?
    Why did I have to worry about her so much?
    Why did I have to struggle with low self-esteem and depression?
    Why did I have to always watch my back?
    I did not want God to know about my anger at him for my pain.
    I thought God would disown me.
    Yet He knew all along how I felt.
    Yet He still loves me.

    “Please don’t be mad at me.
    I want to love you, God.
    I just don’t know how.”

    Let this be everyone’s prayer.

    I hope this helps, everybody.
    Thank you for being honest enough to share your true feelings.

    God loves us.

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  5. Dear DAT,

    You are not alone. Thank you for sharing your honest, searching, and vulnerable questions. Keep seeking God with all your heart! You’ll find He is standing over you in love!

    Peace and blessings,
    Lisa

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  6. I hear you Kyle. Like if there was a good reason then maybe we could live with the repercussions of what happened to us. But WHY is still eluding me. Sometimes there is no answer – at least not one I’ve found yet. I can’t promise you an answer but I can promise you a chance at healing.

    Peace to you,
    Lisa

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  7. I am angry at God. I think i’m really angry with myself and i blame God instead of taking responsability. When i first believed in God i cried out to him without any words coming out of my mouth. He saw my heart and that i was sincere. He answered my prayers. He surrounded me with his love (through certain people). But i failed to take advantage. Now my situation is worse than before i met God. I can’t seem to stop being angry at God. I want his friendship. I feel cut off from him. I have self-esteem issues and depression and i don’t believe God can help me. I feel like it’s too late for me now.

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