Its funny how one can be going along in life seemingly fine and then a memory pops into your head. A memory that was never buried or hidden it was just a memory that you kept out of sight and never allowed to come to the surface. Choosing to not give voice to it or examine it. Yet now this memory comes to the surface with such abandon that you know the Holy Spirit is asking you to ponder it because He desires to reveal something to you.
The memory is one of when I was a little girl probably around the age of 4. We had a small dairy herd of cows that we milked and sold the cream. Jim was the man who came with his truck once a week to pick up the cream. We kept the cream stored in large cream cans and Jim took them to the factory. I always liked Jim. He treated me with kindness and always had time to chat with me making me feel like someone of significance and importance.
Our family would often go and visit him and his wife on Sunday afternoons. They lived about an hour away from us. One particular Sunday there was another couple visiting them as well. I don’t remember their names or what they looked like but I vividly remember the way they fussed over me. They continually talked about how cute and adorable I was and how they couldn’t believe I was this little orphan who had lost her mom and whose dad had given her up. As they continued to fuss over me I remember hearing words like, adoption and take her home with us, we need a little girl. Foreign words, scary words, too many words.
I began to feel tense, awkward and uncomfortable with their excited display of affection and words. I felt like something on display available to the highest bidder. My little four year old mind couldn’t comprehend all that was happening. All I knew was that at first the attention these people were lavishing on me felt like a warm fuzzy blanket. But then the attention began to feel uncomfortable and uneasy, the blanket becoming suffocating.
This went on for most of the afternoon until we finally went home. I can’t remember the responses of my aunt and uncle but I do remember staying close to my aunt and for once she allowed it.
Conflicting and confusing feelings. My little heart afraid of being taken or given away. But as I stayed close to my aunt a quiet reassurance that my aunt wouldn’t allow this couple to take me settled in my spirit.
I write this with no final thoughts to it…without any resolution…only that I needed to give voice to it.
Even now as I write it and I look back at my pictures I wonder what it was they saw in this little girl. I wasn’t what you would consider cute. I had ears that stuck out to far, teeth that were bad, so what did they see? Was it pity? Was this a couple who couldn’t have children and they saw an easy solution? I will never know but I will wait on the Lord to reveal to me what ever it is that He desires to show me through this and about this memory.
And so……..I wait.
But I also wonder, has anyone else ever felt like a something on display available to the highest bidder? Have you ever felt your body, your looks or who you are judged and lusted after? Have you ever felt uncomfortable with attention and admiring glances or words? What does it stir in you? What does it speak to you? Did anyone ever fight over you or for you? If they did, how did it make you feel?
I ask these questions of you as I ask myself. No answers- just questions- just pondering…and waiting….and waiting is sometimes hard.