Hello world!

How do I begin?  I don’t expect this to be fun.  I don’t expect this to be easy.  May this be a safe place to remember, to mourn, and ultimately to overcome.  Let the sun of righteousness arise in our hearts with healing in His wings.

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7 thoughts on “Hello world!

  1. Tears…

    You are one the right track.

    My healing came swiftly once I decided to tell my story in the RH forum and took responsibility for my own role in my rapes.* Doing so gave me victory over shame and fear. Today, I live such a radically different life than I did before I shared my story. Now, even when it’s gray and stormy outside, I am at peace and usually smiling and happy.

    You remain in my thoughts and prayers, beloved sister.

    *I don’t mean to say that rape victims are responsible for being raped. But, IN MY CASE, to say that I had NO fault in the rapes simply made matters worse for ME. I was stuck in “victim mode” until I was able to admit that there were things I could have done differently.

    These things probably DIDN’T cause my rapes. In fact, I believe that the rapists bear responsibility for raping me. However, admitting and accepting that I was in a location I shouldn’t have been in, wearing clothing that was inappropriate, and being in social circles that were dangerous, helped me break free from the belief that there was NOTHING I could have done to prevent the rapes. You see, believing that there was nothing I could do to prevent the previous rapes, led to the belief that there was nothing I could do to EVER prevent rape.

    Those beliefs paralyzed me. Therefore, taking responsibility for my poor choices actually empowered me and helped me to FINALLY break free from the shame and fear that held me captive for so long. My rapes occurred during my teens and early 20’s when I didn’t have enough sense to know all the possible consequences to my actions. Well, actually, I STILL can’t know ALL the possible consequences to my actions, but I can guarantee you that I don’t make the same choices that I did BEFORE I was raped!

    Hang in there, Tears. Jesus really can heal all wounds.

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  2. I’m glad you are finding peace and healing. Thank you for sharing your story here.
    The truth is no one deserves to be attacked. Countless women and men are attacked and abused every day even though they did everything ‘right’. It’s enough to make your head spin. I don’t have the answers.

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  3. You are SO right. Nobody DESERVES rape. People ARE attacked everyday through no fault of their own.

    In sharing my story about the thing that empowered me, I want to also say that once I accepted these things, there was no feeling of shame in it. It was simply the way out of a prison of fear and pain, so I took it. All the years of therapists and well-meaning friends saying, “It wasn’t your fault,” just wrapped tighter chains around me (and THIS kind of bondage was MUCH worse than the physical bondage I had endured when attacked). Inside, I kept saying, “There MUST have been SOMETHING I could have done to keep this from happening. If there WASN’T, then I’ll NEVER be safe.”

    You see, I rebelliously (and stupidly) chose friends that led me into the world of drugs and alcohol, and I, not wanting to be rejected, followed along. I was the youngest in the crowd and being with older people made me feel….”mature”. I didn’t know that the drug scene was ripe for rape. (Why DIDN’T I know that?) I guess I just wanted to believe that my “friends” wouldn’t hurt me. That was during my teens. And how stupid CAN one get? Even after being raped more than once during my teens, I married a guy who did drugs and I continued following along beside him until the worst night of my life when I was viciously attacked in my own home by my own husband. At that moment, there was FINALLY no more ambivalence. I KNEW that I had to leave if I was going to survive. That’s when I ran, and it took over 25 years to finally heal from that attack. I found that if I took enough drugs and/or alcohol, rape and it’s hauntings wouldn’t hurt so much. The only thing is, the drugs and booze just added more chains.

    I don’t know…maybe the molestations as a child and the rapes as a teen and young adult just sort of brainwashed me into believing that this is simply the way things are for girls and that there is no reason to complain because nobody will believe or see it as wrong. The drugs and alcohol certainly worked their witchcraft on me, keeping me from putting two and two together and realizing that the social circle I was in along with my history was setting me up for a world of hurt.

    And back to ambivalence…I still remember how ambivalent my feelings were when I told my story to my first therapist (a man) and I saw anger and sadness flash across his face. I was amazed…ever so slightly hopeful… and yet, I was also skeptical. I couldn’t believe that there were actually men out there who CARED.

    In fact, I would cry and throw up at home because I wondered at times, if his motive (and ALL men’s motives) for being a therapist, was to hear stories that he (they) could masturbate to in the privacy of his (their) own home(s). It was hard to keep going back each week. The fear and nausea I felt in his office (and others) were sometimes almost more than I could bear…in fact, once or twice, I cut the session short. But I remember saying, when he asked me if I would prefer a woman therapist, “No. Men got me into this mess and I think it is appropriate for a man to help me get out of it.” I had to move to many towns over the course of my therapy (which may be one reason why it took so long to make progress) and all my therapists except for one, were men….men that today, I am SO grateful for.

    The truth is that there is only ONE who can heal this kind of pain completely and He is Jesus Christ. He was with me every step of the way and didn’t give up on me until I finally took the leap of faith I needed to take and embraced the truth that set me free.

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  4. Ya know…after posting my last reply and re-reading it…letting it sink in along with your reply to me…I can see that I still have a way to go. I’m not so good at telling my story without it seeming to imply things I don’t intend. I mean, even if I WAS involved in the drug scene, even if I DID dress in the popular style of the day (bra-less), and even if my choices of friends and a husband WEREN’T the best, I still didn’t deserve to be raped and I hope that one feels judged by me.

    I don’t look down on anyone who may be in the same situation, even though there seems to be an air of superiority in my writings. I think we just do the best can in this life. There are SO many variables and everyone is an original. But above ALL, you are right….NOBODY deserves to be raped. Therefore, I am SO grateful for what Tamar wrote about not comparing ourselves and our stories to others’.

    Hmmmm….maybe I’ve said enough…….

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  5. Ooops…I meant to say, “I hope that NO one feels judged by me.”

    (Sorry…this is the only way to correct a post once it’s posted.)

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  6. Actually I don’t think anyone has said enough about this topic. We have to bring this out into the light. Please keep sharing your insights. God bless you!

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