A Captivated Heart August 11, 2009

For the next little while I would like to share some thoughts from one of my favorite books, Captivating, by Stasi Eldridge. I strongly recommend this book, and encourage every woman to read it; I would also encourage every father with daughters to read it.

 I don’t know if you are a woman like me but for too many years I tried so hard to hide the desires of my heart as a girl and then as a woman. Maybe like me you have been put to shame and had guilt placed on you by others for having feelings and thoughts that God himself put within you…that is so wrong and so sad…..

 As some of you may know by now, if you’ve read any of my blog that my childhood was anything but safe. And although there was sexual abuse it was also a conservative home. Girls didn’t wear nail polish, and especially not red nail polish because only a certain type of girl wore red. Even the clothes we wore were to be modest and again red seemed to be the scandalous color so you avoided it. Red also meant you wanted to be noticed. And as a girl you were to blend into the scenery. Even though this wasn’t a Christian home there was an unspoken rule that if you enjoyed dancing, singing and wanting to be told you’re lovely and beautiful then you were considered immoral, or at the very least you were wanting attention and that was wrong….good girls didn’t seek attention.

 Yet, growing up was confusing as we received two conflicting messages; you are a female therefore a man is justified in using you, but also that as a female you were to dress modestly because you didn’t want to be considered a tramp!!! On one hand you were to be a good girl, wear nothing flashy or showy, and yet pornography was viewed in the home and the men in my family openly flirted with waitresses while the family sat and watched. There were two kinds of women in the world; the bad girls and the good girls. I was a good girl, yet a sexually abused girl-so which one was I???? What a confused, mixed bag of messages.

 So when I married into an ultra conservative Christian family where the women only wore dresses, black shoes and head coverings I became even more confused. And guess what, in this religious culture red was considered a “worldly” color and so the women’s dresses were very plain of nondescript color.

 A couple years later the Lord Jesus found me, and I continued to struggle as I tried to sort through all the “laws” of being a “TRUE” Christian woman. Now I had not only the chains from my childhood to break free from but also the constricting, invisible prison walls of religion binding me.

 It has taken me many years of walking with Jesus to break free of those chains and I am still sometimes daily breaking those chains.

 There are still things in my life that I hide from certain people because I am afraid they would judge me or they would consider me a “backslider” or what ever it is people try to put on you….so many of the things that religion shouts; “don’t do this, or wear this, or go there, or do that, or listen to that”.  The voice of religion that shouts; “if you do that you’re going to fall away from the Lord” or “you’re not going to be good enough”….”or you are not considered as “spiritual” as the rest.

Truthfully, I am really tired of it. I am tired of trying to fit a mold that constricts me, that restricts the source of LIFE. Tired of trying to be someone I am not and trying to do things to be good enough.

That isn’t how God created me. I want to be who He created me to be. Daily the Lord gives me the strength and reminders to be myself and stay strong and walk in my freedom as a woman in Him.

 And it isn’t easy, but then freedom never is.

 Yet I confess there are still days when I get tired of dragging behind me, like a worn heavy blanket, the agony, concern and fear of what others think. But I thank my Lord Jesus that those days are much fewer because I have tasted what it is truly like to not drag that cumbersome blanket and live like God created me to live.

What a beautiful journey….what freedom….when we become women captivated by Jesus and we begin to discover the beauty and power of being a Woman.

I called~ He answered August 8, 2009

I called~He answered

I was lost~He found me

I was broken~ He restored

I was bruised~ He mended

I was unclean~He cleansed me

I was bitter~ He gave me joy

I was in ashes~ He gave me beauty

I was alone~ He became my refuge

I was wounded~He healed

I was angry~ He became my calm

I was despairing~ He gave me hope

I was fearful~ He gave me boldness

I was abandoned~ He adopted me

I stumbled ~ He carried me

I was in bondage ~ He broke the chains

I was powerless~ He rescued me

I was depressed~ He gave me peace

I was stained~ He made me holy

I was sinful~His sacrifice me righteous

 

He is Grace

He is Compassion

He is Mercy

He is Forgiveness

He is Holy

He is Righteous

He is Beautiful

He is The Healer

He is my Refuge in the storm

He is Faithful

He is Patience

He is Hope

He is The Life

He is The Truth

He is the Way

He is Love

He is Jesus

(copywrited)

Boundaries (Part 2) August 8, 2009

Boundaries can be defined as a pre-determined, or common sense way or even an intuition that we hold on to that defines our “safe place”. A boundary is like a walled protection with gates in the wall where we may choose to let some people get closer than others. There are fences, perhaps internal, which also help to give us the developmental and protective “space” we need in which to flourish.

 How do you know if you are doing well at putting into practice boundaries? Do you often find yourself saying yes, when you really want to say no? What do healthy boundaries look like? How do we keep them strong and in place without becoming totally unavailable to those we love, work with, or serve in some capacity?

Boundaries involve another important word-balance!

 One of my major clues whether or not I am successful at implementing my boundaries is that I feel uncomfortable. Other times I  may feel that nagging voice of resentment when I have responded with too many “yes’s” because I don’t say what I need to say or do what I need to do and my frustration and irritation simmers just below the surface.

 When someone has overstepped my personal physical boundary I feel uncomfortable or upset because perhaps my personal space has been invaded. Yet I often wrestle with the question of whether my concern is justified. But I am learning to listen to that internal voice when that red flag that goes up. I am learning to accept that my concern is justified if my radar keeps going up concerning a specific person lets say…..I am justified if I am uncomfortable.

 And then there are the times I may feel uncomfortable when I’ve worked to make clear a boundary that someone continually tries to step on or over. And as I’ve examined my words and actions I’ve found that I didn’t do or say anything wrong or unkind, even though I may feel uncomfortable because I am not giving in to another’s demands as much as I did when I was younger.

And maybe it feels cruel or unkind because I can now do something for myself instead of focusing solely on the other’s desires, no longer so preoccupied with wondering if I am hurting the other person, or the fear of getting them angry. I’ve learned that in the case of them getting angry I can either set the boundary or try to control their response, perhaps by appeasing them, but I’ve learned that I can’t do both.

I can’t effectively set personal boundaries and at the same time take responsibility for controlling another person’s feelings or actions.  I set personal boundaries to take care of myself, not to control another.

And though I may feel all right while I give my honest answer in setting a boundary there are times when the old tapes begin to replay the guilt messages. But, those tapes are wearing out; the messages they play aren’t so noisy and clear anymore.

  I know that boundaries are healthy and good, and that God is helping me to say “no” appropriately and He is equipping me to make my boundaries functional.

Boundaries (Part 1) August 6, 2009

Coming from a childhood of abuse I have had to work hard to develop boundaries that work for me. And I confess, I often need to go back and adjust or modify them from time to time.

Learning how to set healthy boundaries for ourselves is a huge step in the healing process even though at first they feel awkward. But with practice and persistence the benefits are well worth the effort.

 According to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend in their excellent book, Boundaries, “We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that will harm us outside.”  So one of the steps we take is to identify the people and behaviors of people that nurture us. Boundaries have been described as limits we set to define who we are and what we will allow in our relationships with others.

 When I am under stress or when something “triggers” an old wound occasionally my natural instinct is to return to my old ways or patterns. It bugs me when I say yes to someone out of my people pleasing, appeasing or peace making. And it irritates me when I find myself wanting to “run” again and not wanting to face the trigger or to do the work of putting up boundaries.

 But maybe you are like me and find that when we operate within healthy boundaries life is much more uncomplicated and less stressful when we honor who we are and what we need and desire….because our Heavenly Father is the one who created our personalities, temperaments, gifts and limitations. Do we not honor Him when we are ourselves?

 What about you….how do you like your steak done, do you even like steak? What is your favorite pastime, what is your favorite color? What makes you tick? Who are you? Who in your life is supportive, loyal, truthful and trustworthy?

 What situations, events, or people are there in your life that you should say “no” to in order to be true to yourself? Or perhaps there are good things you should say “yes” to that would benefit and bless yourself and others as well.

 I often have to stop and do a relationship check-up so to speak, to ask myself if I am being authentic and honestly sharing myself with others or am I faking it, being phony on the outside and then later paying for it with the negative, harmful emotions that I stuff on the inside.

 Sometimes I need a reality check and have to ask myself if my relationships are intimate, authentic and sincere. Am I being who I long to be, and who God created me to be.

The Untold Stories July 30, 2009

This post will be a change in direction from my usual posts but I have felt so burdened as of late…..my heart is heavy and weeps over the cultural oppression & abuse of women in the Middle East… and the oppression & abuse of women in North America as well…indeed around the world.

A young woman we know has just returned from Cambodia after working with the organization called, Daughters of Cambodia. Daughters is a Non Government organization reaching out to victims of sex trafficking in Cambodia. Tragically, a large proportion of the girls and young women are knowingly sold to traffickers or brothels by their families, with children as young as four having been sold into the sex industry in Cambodia. Daughters of Cambodia

Some of the stories she shared broke my heart and I found it hard to get the images out of my mind, almost wishing I’d never heard them…that I could remain blissfully unaware….but I am aware, and I’ve wept deeply…and I’ve felt such anger, anger at the enemy who continues to destroy lives… and I’ve prayed….Oh God, where do I put this, what do I do with this….Lord Jesus come …..come for these children, these women….Oh God…

 

 And I also recieved an email from Lee J. Grady, editor of Charisma magazine regarding the movie about to be released; The Stoning of Soraya M.

And this is his editorial regarding the movie;

The untold story

 

My heart is just so very heavy and burdened today….

When you feel dry…. July 27, 2009

Have you ever felt drained and tired; does the process of healing seem endless? I’ve found there are times when I’ve been focusing on healing from past abuse & issues that it can leave me feeling very drained. And there have been those times when it feels like the process will never end…. and it leaves me thirsting for easier times.

Today as I sit and write there is a light rain falling outside. Although I have taken my watering can and watered my vegetable garden throughout the week, my garden is still dry and parched and huge cracks have formed in the rich, black soil because it is thirsty for the moisture that is falling now.

As it rains I marvel at how the ground eagerly soaks it up, the plants seem to reach for the life giving moisture as it saturates the ground and each plant becomes fortified and invigorated. I’ve also noticed there seems to be a difference in benefit between my watering can and the rainfall…..my sprinkling from the watering can doesn’t seem to deliver as much life as a fresh drenching, soaking rain.

I love to sit and watch the rain, to sit surrounded by the balmy mist and to listen to the sound of the rain drumming a gentle rhythm on the roof. It’s almost as if a magical tranquility takes over. As I watch the splendor of nature unleashed my cares are washed away. Within a few moments I am cleansed and I feel a wonderful sensation of well-being.

My thoughts turn to my Heavenly Father….as good as going to church, reading books or even reading blogs is, and don’t get me wrong~these are needed and they are good, they don’t compare to the soaking, life giving power and strength that is delivered through one-on-one time with our Heavenly Father…spending time with Him and reading His Word gives us life!! Soaking in the Holy Spirits presence and walking with Jesus Christ is irreplaceable.

Today I am reminded that the pain I experience is temporary….life with our Heavenly Father is eternal…. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (The Message) “So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”

I pray today that the Holy Spirit will strengthen you with the outpouring of His love….that God’s love will saturate you today. That today as you walk with Jesus you will know peace and serenity, and a sense of well being will surround you….that just as the rain gives life to the plants it waters, so the Holy Spirit will quench your thirst today…you only need to ask…..be blessed dear readers.

The Art of Letting Go….. July 15, 2009

I came across this several years ago and find that I go back to it now and again….it is a good reminder of how we should let go and what it means to let go. Some people have attachments to others, to money, to beliefs systems or to self-image. Some of us are most attached to how other people think about them, but this leads to suffering.  In letting go, we choose to detach ourselves to preconception, prejudice and judgment. It is not a physical action, letting go of someone doesn’t mean to physically leave or to throw them out of the house. What “letting go” means is detachment and opening your heart.

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off. It’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another. It’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less and to love more.

Author Unknown

Keeping it real…. July 13, 2009

I have a confession to make: I am not perfect. Most of my life I have compared myself to others, and guess what~ most of the time I am either critiquing others or critiquing myself because I somehow have fallen short.

Who you read about in these pages (me~tamarshope) is not a spiritual giant….nope, I am just a real, down-to-earth sinner saved by grace….a woman who still sometimes faces daily battles in her mind over things that should have been resolved years ago if one could have achieved perfection in this life!

The only perfect person to ever walk this earth was Jesus Christ 2000 years ago.

Sadly I have lived for so many years with the illusion of perfection. And I have spent so much of my life as the most imperfect perfectionist I know!!!

I knew life was imperfect, but I wanted my own little piece of it to be the most perfect it could be. But several years ago when the Lord called me to become authentic I realized that I had to stop trying to be perfect and start being real.

Isn’t it true that even if we strive to be perfect that it doesn’t stop the negative memories and feelings from surfacing? Through years of personal counseling, and sharing heart to heart with other victims of abuse I began to face the all-consuming issue of abuse. When I strived to be the perfect wife I learned that my quest for perfection actually alienated my husband, when I tried to be the perfect mother I found that I was controlling towards my children, when I strove to be perfect in my job, never allowing myself to fail, I burned out.

A quote from Ann Lamont says; “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.”

And from David M. Burns: “Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.”

As victims of abuse we often seek perfection in order to stop the pain or to avoid future pain. It doesn’t work. Seeking perfection just sets us up for failure, because no one is perfect. Instead I believe that as we seek to be real, it is much easier and far better for us. What a breath of fresh air when we choose to enjoy life as a journey rather than perfection as a destination.

Once we recognize our inability to live a perfect life, is there any value in admitting our failings or weaknesses to others? Should we not continue to hide them, what if admitting them causes those who are weaker in the faith to stumble?

 On the contrary~perhaps the presence of weakness in our lives leaves room for the power of God to shine through us by His abundant grace. 2Corintians 4:7 states: “We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves”

Paul is telling us here that God receives the maximum glory when others can clearly see that we, in our natural state, cannot measure up to His perfection. So perhaps it is as we minister to others they will know the blessings they receive could not possibly come from us, imperfect as we are, but only from God Himself!!

This doesn’t mean that I go around telling everyone all of my weaknesses. Certainly God would not want us to walk around telling everyone everything we have ever done wrong.  But I believe that we need balance…. Yet how does this concept translate into our everyday life? I can make the choice to be real in every situation. Not hiding my true weaknesses just to “save face”….. I know that when I have confessed my sins to a fellow Christian, a close friend, that in doing so I received healing. I found that when I’ve shared an area of weakness with a dear friend, and asked her to encourage me in that area, God has overwhelmed me with His grace as I stepped into that area of faith.

Grace – God loves and accepts me, accepts you, even in our weaknesses.

Admitting our weakness opens the way for others to help free us from the pitfalls we face every day. One of my favorite verses stirs up that heart of encouragement. Hebrews 3:13 “But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin”

We need the encouragement from those around us to help keep our thoughts focused on the positive things in our lives, so that we will not fall into a self-critical mindset.

If we continue to hide our weaknesses, and continue striving for perfection, we will miss the great encouragement, blessings and healing we can receive from others.

The King is enthralled with your beauty…. June 18, 2009

It seems when I am out in nature is when I hear the Holy Spirit the clearest. One morning as I walked the Lord showed me that when the woman in church said those words to me (that I am beautiful and I recoiled) what she was really saying to me (and what God Himself was saying) is that as I continue to walk out my healing, to walk in freedom and victory, people will see the beauty within; it is a reflection of His glory.

 It still amazes me that as I’ve experienced His healing this enables me to leave my comfortable church pew and greet people, shaking hands, hugging, smiling and offering words of life to them. I do this with a love that I’ve never experienced before, no longer closing myself off, hiding behind walls  as I once did……I think I get it~when I offer myself, this is my beauty.  

So when she said “you are so beautiful” I immediately recoiled because the old lies rose up, fear clawed at me once again and I wondered if all they saw was the outside. But God desires to bring me, to bring us, to a place where we can accept both, to offer both. As God heals, and as I continue to come out of hiding as I have been over the last several years, I hope that what people are seeing is a reflection of God himself through me. And though her comment caught me totally off guard, I recognized that God’s desire is to bring me into a deeper place of understanding and that I need to be open and let his Words….even through others…..into my heart, to let compliments penetrate my heart rather than letting them simply bounce right off and never penetrate deeper, to not flinch inwardly when I receive a compliment. Yet I realize that it’s almost more of a denial, an unbelieving when they compliment me…….and if I am totally honest there is that protective place in my heart where I wonder what is it they want from me. What will this cost me? This goes back to my childhood….something good always came with a cost.

 My husband always tells me that I don’t see what others see. Maybe that is true. Has the enemy distorted what we see?

 I was reading one morning in Lisa Bevere’s book, Fight Like A Girl, and in it was a chapter on Fighting For Beauty. These words especially spoke to me and I hope they do for all of us women on this journey. At a conference the Spirit brought forth this word to Lisa which expresses how our Lord views us;

“When I look at you I see something more…..I see promise. I see a generation of daughters so terrifying to the enemy that he will do whatever he can in his power to distort your image, pervert your beauty, and rob you of your strength and power. He is the father of lies and speaks to you through a glass but darkly. But the Father of Light longs to speak to you face to face. He wants to touch the dark places where the wounding is so deep and so severe it threatens to define your very existence. Ask, and He will allow you to behold Him. He will reach beyond the glass and call you altogether lovely and His own.The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your lord. Psalm 45:11″

 She goes on to ask- “How do we honor the Lord when it comes to the issue of beauty? The answer; we accept His words as the ultimate truth.”

He has called our beauty enthralling; do I dare call Him a liar? Will I be brave enough to receive His love? Can I let this vantage embrace me? Maybe I cannot trust the mirror, maybe I am so much more than what I see.

She ends with this prayer which I have prayed and I feel a glimmer of hope, May the Holy Spirit minister to you as He did me:

“Heavenly Father, I come to You in the name of the One who is altogether lovely, Jesus the Christ. You are making me over from the inside out. I want the countenance of a woman who refuses to give way to fear. Forgive me for saying things contrary to Your Word, which is alive. Father, You are the great Physician and the One capable of perfecting every area of my life.

We women can be lovely before You and others no matter our age.

I repent of looking to the graven image and idols of this world when I should have come to You for my strength. I renounce their hold and influence. I cast their impressions from my mind and their illusions from before my eyes. Lord, remove their veil from my eyes; I want to see You and You alone. Let Your image outshine any other in my life. Imprint me deeper than any other. Reveal Yourself to me in an intimate and real way. I give You permission to invade this private and personal area of my life. Amen”

 Ah…..the King is enthralled by our beauty……may we believe Him!!

A beauty to unveil…. June 17, 2009

John & Staci Eldredge have written a wonderful book called Captivating, it is one I highly recommend to all women. Plus I would recommend that men read it as well, especially men who have daughters. The workbook that goes with it poses a question; Are you being sought after these days?

Whatever else it means to be feminine, it is depth and mystery and complexity, with beauty as their very essence.

Now, lest despair set in, let us say as clearly as we can:

Every woman has a beauty to unveil.

Every woman.

Because she bears the image of God.

What if? What if this really is true about you–that you are a captivating woman? Let your heart go there for a moment; what does it bring?

 As I’ve thought about these questions I realize it brings me hope, hope that I can rest, hope that I need not fear beauty, hope that God will show me my beauty and as He shows me I can allow Him to romance me.

My ache is to know that my Lord sees me a beautiful, whatever that may fully mean I want to learn, to know, to understand.

I have always been afraid of being beautiful, of my essence being beauty. Yes I understand beauty is the essence of the feminine soul but it scares me. I have always been known as a feminine, graceful woman, I know that’s how others see me but I don’t see myself that way, I want to. Yet at the same time it scares me because it is the very place where the enemy wounded me. When I was 14 and was being raped by two guys (I was drugged at the time with the date rape drug, but I came to long enough to know what was happening). While I was being raped they kept telling me over and over how beautiful I was. What do you think happened to that young soul? She began to fear beauty, it meant she was something to be admired, sought after but abused.

She was betrayed by beauty.

 So that’s why beauty scares me and truthfully I don’t think I fully understand or can embrace (yet) what John and Staci are saying. In the last few years I have slowly begun to ask Jesus to show me my beauty. I see beauty all around me and I love beauty but how do I see myself? How does Jesus see me? I’ve always seen myself as plain and not beautiful, it’s a feeling of ambivalence, desiring to be beautiful yet being afraid to be beautiful.

 Something happened not to long ago in church and I know God used to get my attention; He was trying to speak to my heart. During our worship time we took some time to greet one another. As I freely moved about greeting people, which let me clarify has become much easier for me since I used to stay in my seat and let people come to me, but I can now move about and hug and greet people because I desire to connect with them. Well, something happened that was totally unexpected and shook me to the core, after one woman hugged me she took me by the shoulders, looked straight into my eyes and said- you are so beautiful.

Huh?? I really didn’t know how to respond. I politely said thank you and took my seat and for the rest of the service I struggled with desiring to believe and accept the compliment but at the same time wanting to reject it. Later as I shared this with my husband he simply smiled and agreed. But then he asked-” you don’t let these compliments penetrate your heart do you?” We both knew the answer. Compliments of any kind never penetrate my heart.

 Later that day I prayed from my heart, “Lord Jesus soften my heart, show me my beauty, and then romance me. I am afraid; I have connected beauty with pain. It assaulted my essence as a young girl and I have hardened my heart all these years to beauty, to how you see me, to how my husband sees me or how others may see me. I don’t want to live this way any more. Beauty has betrayed me; yes that’s what it is. I know because of the abuses in my past that beauty sparks within me the fear of danger and of being dangerous to others coexists within my heart. Come Lord Jesus come. If I allow my heart to soften and hear how you find me beautiful, will you betray me? My head says no but my heart is afraid. But I want to trust you Jesus, I want to trust you.”

This past winter while watching The Lord Of the Rings again, I saw in Arwen her beauty. I saw more than her outward beauty. I saw her beauty as strength, as rest, as confidence, as peaceful, as trust, as hope and most of all as love. I saw in her what my heart longs for, too much for words to express- that she is enough. That’s my ache. To be enough, to know in my quiet center where God dwells that He finds me beautiful, has deemed me worthy, and in Him I am enough.  He will not betray me. He continues to show me what beauty really is.