Today I will light a candle…. December 14, 2010

My prayers and thoughts today are for those who are  struggling this Christmas season and find the holidays a time of mixed emotions. All too often it is at the holiday season WHEN THE PAST AND THE PRESENT COLLIDE. Whether through loss, divorce or estrangement we try to capture what we once had or we try and blot out bad memories. We try to ignore the empty chair and we try to ignore the pain and emptiness in our soul.

For too many people, the holidays are a traditional time of happiness and festivity. Yes, there can be pleasure, but there is also much pain, because the season magnifies the sense of loss.

While most of the world seems to be addressing holiday greeting cards and planning holiday menus, those who have lost someone or a relationship are struggling with other concerns: How long does the grief last? Will the holidays always be this dreadful? What do we do with the empty place at the table? What is there to be thankful for this year?

It can often be difficult to get that place in our hearts where we can admit that nothing seems quite right in our house or in our hearts this season. We may ask ourselves if we can ever be happy again? Will the sights and sounds of the holiday season ever touch us again? Will there ever be LIGHT again?

Maybe we hold our breath and hope the holidays go quickly. We doubt we can endure too long. We sit in the dark, because we think we have forgotten the light.

We wish for some sign of hope in the season of icicles, some magical sign that will keep us going until the warmth of spring arrives. We turn on all the lights in an attempt to chase away the pain, grief or loneliness.

We all have EXPECTATIONS of the season, for each other and for ourselves. All too often we have a mental picture of how things ought to be. And perhaps all too often we have to admit that those expectations are based more on fantasy than reality. Or perhaps we measure success and happiness on how close we come to those expectations.

Handling the holidays may not be so much a question of how to eliminate pain and grief from our lives, but how we can learn to live with the hurt and grief rather than be consumed by it.

Yes, celebration is the theme of this season, and real life, with all its blemishes and pains, is brushed away into the dark corners of silence.  However, if we choose to peek into the shadows, we will see the harsh realities that exist and are even magnified during the Christmas season.  All too often the desired “peace on Earth” is disrupted by intrusive circumstances such as difficult family members, the death of a loved one, financial strain, isolation, and loneliness.  

And if we ignore those visited by such unwelcome strangers is to fail in living out the very spirit of this sacred season. 

And so today, as your sister in Christ, I desire to be present with you and to listen to your heart, to pray with you. Although I haven’t all the answers I can go to the One who does, the One who offers hope and healing.

Today I will light a candle, and as I do I will send up a prayer…..lighting a candle is a way of remembering, a way of healing, and a way of bringing hope.

A solitary candle brings light to the darkness and serves as a reminder of the power of the human spirit.

The flickering flame ignites something deep inside us that connects us to each other. As Erasmus noted; if we give light, and share light we can watch the darkness disappear.

Lighting a candle begins by taking a moment to slow down, to focus on our intention and decide on the reason we are lighting our candle.

I invite you to light one with me, either for yourself or for those who are struggling this Christmas season…. light a candle to remember a loved one, a past relationship, or whatever other significant loss or losses that you or someone may currently be experiencing.

 There is a soothing, healing effect in lighting a candle. A solitary candle brings light in the darkness; it is also a symbol of the human spirit.

The hope is that when we light a candle, it’s a reminder that Christ is alive and is the light of the world. And as we sing the Christmas carols it’s a reminder that it’s the most wonderful time of the year, not because we have to be cheery and merry, but because we don’t. God still comes to be with us. It’s OK to acknowledge loss and sadness. That’s why Jesus came – for the lonely. He came to minister to people who are hurting.

I am reminded of the words to a song by Kathy Troccoli-Go Light Your Candle;

We are a family, who hearts are blazing
So let’s raise our candles light up the sky
Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus,
Make us a beacon in darkest time

Grace Like Rain….. May 23, 2010

A lack of trust…. May 11, 2010

As a codependent in recovery I am learning that underneath all the patterns of codependent behavior is fear….and if you dig a bit deeper you will find underneath fear is a lack of trust….because all too often I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t micromanage (our new buzz word for control! )….yet, it is after I brush away all the excuses I find I am left with a choice…and isn’t that what faith is all about~choice…I am learning that trust is not a feeling-it’s a choice…I daily must make the choice to trust my Heavenly Father.

Ordinary faith says: if I do good things then good things will happen…whereas radical faith has its eyes wide open…when we choose to live radically we become fully aware that anything could happen but we choose to trust God, to trust Him no matter what.

All too often we divide life into good and bad, but life it what it is….but we are left with a choice…and for me this is where Grace comes in…..when I step out of the control trap I find GRACE….

I am sure we are all aware of Melody Beattie’s writings. (Codependent No More) I  have her latest book called, The New Codependency, and in it she says: “Although I’ve changed significantly since writing Codependent no More, I still step in codependent puddles. I might get hooked into someone’s stuff, let their problems control me, over-engage, or start reacting instead of taking right action. I’ll let family conditioning affect me, neglect to set boundaries, or shut down emotionally. There are times I have to slam on the brakes, stop, and remember to take care of myself. I don’t sink in quicksand like I used to, but sometimes I revert to survival mode. That’s yesterday’s news. I don’t call that relapsing.

Caring about people we love, feeling victimized when we’re betrayed, giving our all to people we love, or wanting to control people because we’re watching them destroy themselves and hurt us doesn’t mean we’re sick. These are natural reactions…Codependency is about normal behaviors taken too far…it’s about crossing the line.”

Please understand I am not saying if you are in an abusive relationship that you are to stay and make the best of it….that isn’t what I am saying, but what I am saying is that  we no longer have to allow our emotional well being  and self worth to be dictated by how others feel about us, or act towards us, or what they expect from us, and whether we meet their expectations or not.  We do not need to sacrifice our own desires to make sure that whatever we do keeps others happy and their lives at peace. It has taken me a lot of years to  recognize and learn that my self worth is not bound to a co-dependent pattern of behavior…rather it has everything to do with my focus and trust in my Heavenly Father…..

^{Psalm 71:}

²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again;
       from the depths of the earth
       you will again bring me up.

 ²¹ You will increase my honor
       and comfort me once again.

God Knows…… April 24, 2010

There are seasons and times in our lives which seem to yield so much pain; times when as a child of God we may doubt that He is even there.

We all go through those times when the trials seems to linger, when we feel lost even in the midst of our prayers, and times when no words form upon our lips and it seems all we can do is weep quiet tears in the midst of our deep pain and anguish….

Our Lord sees the heartache, the despondency; knowing all that we suffer and endure…He knows every unspoken prayer that we might pray….

He is near to the broken hearted and shattered spirits…the hearts that carry such sorrow…. And though we are tempted to think that in those times of silence He has turned deaf ear……I’ve come to know that His silence means He’s letting me speak.

Even when we feel He is distant we can have the quiet confidence knowing that He is listening to every word we whisper…. every breath that forms a prayer. Matthew 6:8 tells us that He knows what we need even before we ask Him.

He is still the God who listens, the God who sees~nothing has changed…..He is our Heavenly Father whose eyes look deep into His children’s soul as He attentively listens every time that we earnestly seek.

God knows there’s a time for everything on earth…. a time for mourning…lament…or great sorrow.

Yet, He promises us that His mercy is new every morning…. and as the burden is lifted…..His joy brings the sunrise tomorrow.

And His grace covers our shame, our guilt, our pain and our grief…..we can lift our faces to the new sunrise because He has declared that He is the lifter of our heads…..

We can believe our Heavenly Father, trust in His Word and stand on His promises….to have that quiet knowing, that quiet confidence that even in the midst of pain and struggle we know deep down in our spirits our Abba loves us…

His Spirit gives us the comfort, reassurance & courage to go on when our souls are weary from the load of our sorrow. And I know, despite any doubts & fears I may have in my weakness and struggles and all the times when I don’t understand, I can trust my Father is still listening and as each teardrop falls He catches them in His hands…

And if I close my eyes, and quiet my soul I envision my silent tears caressing the nail scars in His hands…..

 Isaiah 53:4-6~ “He suffered and endured great pain for us, but we thought his suffering was punishment from God. He was wounded and crushed because of our sins; by taking our punishment, he made us completely well. All of us were like sheep that had wandered off. We had each gone our own way, but the LORD gave him the punishment we deserved.”

Forgiveness Prayer for Women….. April 10, 2010

You are the MasterPiece February 6, 2010

A treasure of my Father’s own design.
Lay shattered on the floor at His feet
It seemed it would be impossible
To mend this broken piece
The original handiwork was rare
It was priceless to be exact
Yet there it lay in pieces
On the floor at my Father’s feet.

I saw the tears in my Father’s eyes
as He gazed on His treasure so rare
He knelt down and began to rearrange,
each piece with the utmost care
as each teardrop fell on a broken piece
Rough edges were washed away as
Lovingly He labored through the night
His priceless, broken treasure to restore

I saw that at last every piece
Had found its proper place
As guided by my Fathers hands
And His amazing grace
Then He smiled and I heard Him laugh out loud
At the vessel He held in His hands
“You’re so much more than a treasure,
You see, you’re a Masterpiece, My child

As I felt His arms wrap about me
Securing me close to Himself
I understood that my broken mess
Had been healed by His own blood
As I lifted my face, I smiled at Him
And saw that He was smiling back at me,
And I knew right then what I was worth, for
My Father’s Masterpiece is ME!!
(Author Unknown)

 

Processing our anger…. February 5, 2010

Anger, for victims of abuse, is especially frightening if we have been surrounded by conflict, anger and violence as children, either directed at us personally or directed at another family member.

I have said many times that I was not only angry but underneath was a pool of rage that was building up for years….it simmered just below the surface.

Over the years the unexpressed rage slowly began to be ignited by present day anger that would surface from time to time. And I found this extremely frightening as did those who were around me.

I found that anger is especially frightening in ourselves because if we tap into pools of unresolved anger – rage – we feel out of control and unsafe.

And for me that sense of powerlessness often sent me reeling causing me to shut down emotionally, or physically my body reacted by wanting to vomit which resulted in an eating disorder for years.

It took me time to trace the roots of my outbursts of anger and rooting them in a past event empowered me to have insight and control over my anger.

Many victims of abuse may not feel or even look angry but in truth their anger is held inwards and surfaces in different ways:

Repressed:
Through depression, fatigue or physical ailments.

Fantasy:
Often in fantasies and daydreams we express anger that we are too afraid to express in real life.

Transference:
Sometimes we will react angrily or feel irate towards certain people even though they may have done little to harm us. This happens because someone in our present life reminds us of someone in our past with the same resulting emotions in us.
In our society it is probably accurate to say we aren’t adept at expressing anger appropriately – so angry feelings in ourselves and others can feel very unsafe.

For abuse victims especially we need to be able process our anger and rage – and there is a lot to be angry about!

This is not easy to do and it is often a lengthy process– sometimes we need another person like a counselor to help us walk through it.

Someone to help us trace the roots of our rage and process it – and to help us and give us permission to release it –freeing us to express anger which is relevant to the situation we are facing today.

The times when I experienced an angry outburst that I didn’t feel in control of, I would take some time to go off by myself and seek the Lord….as I prayed I would ask the Holy Spirit to show me what was going on….I would write down what I felt asking the Holy Spirit to show me the root of the anger in more primary painful feelings; e.g. powerlessness, rejection? Did it remind me of an earlier experience in my life? Thinking and praying these things through and then writing those down helped me to feel more in control of my feelings.  It helped me learn to deal with life’s frustrations and irritations. I was able to assert myself without being aggressive. And I was able to be more loving and authentic as a person.

 Things to think about:

•	Do you think you have fully expressed the anger of your abuse?
•	Do you think you tap into rage from the past at times when you are angry?
•	Do you feel you have held your anger inward?
•	What do you feel when you get angry – where is it in your body?
•	Notice when you get extremely angry and try to trace the trigger.
•	What do you think is behind that trigger?

God’s Love January 25, 2010

Today I am lighting a candle… December 17, 2009

All too often it is at the holiday season WHEN THE PAST AND THE PRESENT COLLIDE. Whether through loss, divorce or estrangement we try to capture what we once had or we try and blot out bad memories. We try to ignore the empty chair and we try to ignore the pain and emptiness in our soul.

While most of the world seems to be addressing holiday greeting cards and planning holiday menus, those who have lost someone or a relationship are struggling with other concerns: How long does the grief last? Will the holidays always be this dreadful? What do we do with the empty place at the table? What is there to be thankful for this year?

It’s difficult to get that place in our hearts when we can admit that nothing seems quite right in our house or in our heart this season. We may ask ourselves if we can ever be happy again? Will the sights and sounds of the holiday season ever touch us again? Will there ever be LIGHT again?

Maybe we hold our breath and hope the holidays go quickly. We doubt we can endure too long. We sit in the dark, because we think we have forgotten the light.

We wish for some sign of hope in the season of icicles, some magical sign that will keep us going until the warmth of spring arrives. We turn on all the lights in an attempt to chase away the pain, grief or loneliness.

We have EXPECTATIONS of the season, for each other and for ourselves. All too often we have a mental picture of how things ought to be. And perhaps all too often we have to admit that those expectations are based more on fantasy than reality. Or perhaps we measure success and happiness on how close we come to those expectations.

Handling the holidays may not be so much a question of how to eliminate pain and grief from our lives, but how we can learn to live with the hurt and grief rather than be consumed by it.

Yes, celebration is the theme of this season, and real life, with all its blemishes and pains, is brushed away into the dark corners of silence.  However, if we chose to peek into the shadows, we will see the harsh realities that exist and are even magnified during the Christmas season.  All too often the desired “peace on Earth” is disrupted by intrusive circumstances such as difficult family members, the death of a loved one, financial strain, isolation, and loneliness.  

And if we ignore those visited by such unwelcome strangers is to fail in living out the very spirit of this sacred season. 

And so today, as your sister in Christ, I desire to be present with you and to listen to your hearts, and to pray with you. Although I haven’t all the answers I can go to the One who does, the One who offers hope and healing.

Today I will light a candle, and as I do I will send up a prayer…..lighting a candle is a way of remembering, a way of healing, and a way of bringing hope.

A solitary candle brings light to the darkness and serves as a reminder of the power of the human spirit.

The flickering flame ignites something deep inside us that connects us to each other. As Erasmus noted; if we give light, and share light we can watch the darkness disappear.

Lighting a candle begins by taking a moment to slow down, to focus on our intention and decide on the reason we are lighting our candle.

I invite you to light one with me, either for yourself or for those who are struggling this Christmas season…. light a candle to remember a loved one, a past relationship, or whatever other significant loss or losses that you or someone may currently be experiencing.

 There is a soothing, healing effect in lighting a candle. A solitary candle brings light in the darkness; it is also a symbol of the human spirit.

The hope is that when we light a candle, it’s a reminder that Christ is alive and is the light of the world. And as we sing the Christmas carols it’s a reminder that it’s the most wonderful time of the year, not because we have to be cheery and merry, but because we don’t. God still comes to be with us. It’s OK to acknowledge loss and sadness. That’s why Jesus came – for the lonely. He came to minister to people who are hurting.

I am reminded of the words to a song by Kathy Troccoli-Go Light Your Candle;

We are a family, who hearts are blazing
So let’s raise our candles light up the sky
Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus,
Make us a beacon in darkest time

A Humble Heart October 4, 2009

Do you want to know the joy and freedom of having a humble heart? Or do you fear it as I often have? I think we usually use the word humble incorrectly. We use it to mean shame or humiliation, like when we say ‘he had to eat humble pie’. In fact, pride and shame are two sides of the same coin. When I succeed and feel pride in what I’ve done I get no lasting satisfaction from it. That’s because deep inside I know that I could have failed and that I might fail the next time. Pride always has hidden shame crouching inside of it. What goes up must come down.

Humility is a completely different animal. Humility is a prerequisite to knowing God and drawing closer to Him. Listen to this:
Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before God when you heard what he spoke against this place and its people, and because you humbled yourself before me and tore your robes and wept in my presence, I have heard you, declares the LORD. (II Chronicles 34:27 ~NIV)
And this:
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. (Psalm 25:9 ~NIV)
And this:
For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation. (Psalm 149:4 ~NIV)

Among others, Moses, David, and Daniel were referred to in the Bible as humble men. Each of these men had a close walk with God. They were God’s intimate companions and trusted messengers. In fact, Jesus himself was described as one who humbled himself and became obedient to the Father.

Recently I had the courage to ask God for a humble heart for the first time in my life. To have a humble heart but not a shame-filled one; this is the next step in my journey.