Making peace with our past…. October 10, 2009

I’ve been away from the computer for awhile as I’ve been in the middle of a move. We are all settled in now and I hope that time allows me to write and share more of what is on my heart….where God continues to lead me.

 This morning my heart is somewhat heavy.  I have so many mixed emotions, so many thoughts and not sure how to process them all. If you have followed my story you will know that I was raised by my aunt and uncle….they were the only parents I’ve known.

My uncle passed away several years ago and last night I received the phone call that I knew would soon be coming and I’ve been expecting. My aunt passed away peacefully last night. Strange that even though one expects it we are never really prepared for it. I confess that at the moment when I received the news my eyes welled up with tears but that was a far as they came. I never wept, or gave way to grief. I sense it is in there, but for now I am just allowing the Lord to help me process my heart.

This past summer I was able to spend an afternoon with my aunt. It was a healing time, a joyous time even. We didn’t talk or rehash the past instead I chose to let it all go and focus on the present…. I sensed that she, knowing her time here was limited, was making peace with everyone….with me, with my daughters.

Because of this time together I can honestly look back without regrets. I’ve made peace with my past, with my relationship with her, with what wasn’t and what was. God has healed so many hurts and wounds and He truly restores the years the locusts have eaten. He has blessed me beyond what I could have ever imagined.

In the wee hours of this morning as I reflected on where I am today I am thankful that God has walked this path with me. That He has shown me His love, healing and kindness…..that because of Him I can walk in victory and freedom….because He is the lifter of my head I can walk with confidence and in love….I can look back on this relationship with my aunt, this fractured relationship as it was, no pretense, no judgment, and no condemnation, with forgiveness given and forgiveness sought….and I can’t help but wonder if sometimes who we are today and what we offer to those around us, the legacy we are leaving to our own children and grandchildren, is not because of what we were taught, shown or given but just maybe because of what we never had….perhaps we learn and grow from what we’ve not had or been shown rather than in spite of it.

A Scripture keeps coming to mind as I write this is 1 Corinthians 1:26 to 29 “Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you.  Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world; things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.”

 As a child I was powerless, I was counted as nothing to my family, yet God did not see me as I saw myself or as others may see me…..As it says further down in verses 30 & 31; “God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. Therefore, as the Scriptures say, “If you want to boast, boast only about the LORD.”

Christ makes us pure and holy, and He frees us…therefore we can boast only about the Lord…and that is truly what is in my heart today….Jesus is the One who is my healer, my refuge, my counselor, my advocate, my victor….He alone is the lifter of my head…He allows me to leave a different legacy than the one given to me…He changes our legacies and gives us a new song, a new story, a new life….He is God and He is good!!

As I lay there this morning in the predawn my mind went to my grandchildren, and the joy I feel when they wrap their little arms around my neck to give me a big hug…. and their little voices are music to my ears as they delight because their grandma is here… God has given me a new song, a new legacy….I am thankful…and I am at peace…..

Why I chose Tamarshope…. May 3, 2009

I have been asked why I chose the name Tamarshope as a pen name for our blog….well, I chose Tamar for two reasons. The Tamar that comes to one’s mind first is usually King David’s daughter. The horrifying facts of Tamar’s experience- not only the rape itself but the effect it had on her future and her emotional well-being- are not too far from the experiences of many women today, including myself.
But praise God that He has the power to restore our hope and to heal us.

But I also chose Tamar as a reflection of the other Tamar, found in Genesis 38, again in Ruth 4:12 and Matthew 1:3. I have learned a lot from this Tamar as to what it means to be an ezer.

In John Eldridge’s book, “Wild at Heart” a woman is described as a maiden waiting in a tower for a man to rescue her- a description that has troubled a lot of women. Tamar turns the tables. She is an ezer-warrior who rescues men. She carries out a stunning rescue of Judah’s two dead sons with her twins, Perez and Zerah. She saves both Er and Onan from extinction, despite their wickedness.

As I have studied Tamar I have been amazed at her strength, she wasn’t called righteous for her quiet and gentle spirit. She was righteous by being strong and assertive. She confronted Judah for turning his back on God’s covenant and her courageous actions led him back to God. He called her righteous.

Judah gave Tamar the highest marks for her conduct and accepted her righteous rebuke. Her actions didn’t emasculate or feminize him. She didn’t rob Judah of his manhood. To the contrary he became a better man because of his encounter with her.
I wonder what would have become of Judah had Tamar held her peace and remained passive?

She has expanded my understanding of “ezer” and in her I see that the strength of a woman is a powerful weapon for rescue, healing, and peace when women like Tamar are “strong in the Lord”. She is an ezer and expands the range of the ezer’s influence beyond hearth and home to encompass her father-in-law and God’s covenant with his people.

Although her tactics would not work today, the principles she represents do. How do we today as God’s Daughters live for righteousness in our relationships and circumstances?

And so like both of the women called Tamar, it has been and continues to be my prayer that my heavenly Father would plant something new in my life, a sprig of hope that will set me on a new course. And He continues to help me live in the present, spending my emotional energy on this moment rather than squandering them on regrets about the past or anxieties about the future.

 I am like Tamar, because the beauty of my story is in God’s power to bring positive from negative, to bring good out of tragedy, and blessing out of less than honorable events.

These women in the Bible give me hope, because Jesus loved these women. And like these women God also invited me out of the shadows and into His arms, He called my name, I was thirsty and He gave me His living water, He called me to live. He takes me in His arms and draws me close. And as I learn to dance in the arms of my Lord I go where He leads, turn where He directs, follow in His footsteps, and grow in His love….

Jesus is my living hope…He took me by the hand and walked me out of the dark and into the light….no longer afraid…but rather He continues to offer me hope… for healing and for freedom….because in the arms of Christ I am given grace, dignity, peace and a righteous confidence. Because I finally see that since the day I was born, God has been passionately in love with me…and His invitation is life!
“I have heard your prayer and seen your tears.
I will heal you.”
2 Kings 20:5

He has made everything beautiful in His time. April 11, 2009

I try and go for a walk every day in our city park, but today was different…today it wasn’t just for the exercise it was for my soul…today I chose to walk at a slower pace deliberately seeking some tranquil moments…because I realize it’s only when I quiet the clamor of the outside world that I can hear the whisper of God’s voice giving me new direction.

 

This day the sky was overcast & grey, it felt dreary as I walked. It matched what I was feeling inside……not depressed, just tired, weary, and battle worn….I longed for some reprieve, for some sunshine….as I walked my thoughts turned to the Lord as I desired to commune with Him…but today, no words came…all I could say was Abba…and the moment I said Abba, the clouds parted and the sun shone through in all its brilliance marking the path ahead of me with light…..a magical tranquility took over.

 

Although the trees were a canopy of green covering me and offering their shade and beauty, the sun was able to penetrate even the thickest foliage and coverage. As the sun created a dappled effect through the trees I saw what I had been too busy in my thoughts to see before; the lush ferns and undergrowth shone many brilliant shades of green, the birds were singing the sweetest songs, and wild daisies and clover waved in the gentle breeze, and the smells were alive- there is nothing like the smells of a forest tickling the senses.

 

 I stopped by the gently flowing stream and stood with my eyes closed listening to the sound of the comforting water flowing. It was here the Lord spoke to my heart….and I heard Him. All sights and sounds faded as my Lord whispered to my spirit. He asked me to bring my heart, my disappointments to Him. He asked me to lay at His altar the expectations I have of myself to always be strong realizing instead He desires to make me into a woman of strength…and there is a difference….would I allow the disappointments in my life to strengthen me and teach me to respond to life in a loving and forgiving manner?……would I allow Him to whisper words of hope and encouragement into my ear that this season shall pass? 

As I quietly laid at His altar my disappointments and striving and brought them into the light of His promises and blessings I reconnected with my Abba again…striving~ugh, I detest that word~am I the only one who ever strives, will I always battle need to strive, will it always be a struggle?- but Lord I asked, didn’t I lay that at the altar years ago?…again His whisper- “yes daughter, but there are always new seasons with new expectations and demands, new problems and pain, yet with every season there is new hope….just as the sun comes up every morning, even though sometimes it is hidden by the clouds, each day will bring you a new ray of healing and renewed beauty”

 

…… as the soothing sounds of nature surrounded me and the water lapped around the edges of the river bank  I sensed the Holy Spirit washing over me. I felt like I was being cleansed and a new feeling of well-being washed over me as this Scripture came mind, “He has made everything beautiful in His time.”

 

And then Jesus asked if I would trust Him in this confusing, often lonely season? Would I trust those I love to Him? Would I trust that He knows my future and that He is good and trustworthy? Would I trust Him to redeem this season, to bring beauty and goodness in the midst of it and out of it? I said yes to the questions in my head…but I asked that He birth it in my heart as well….

 

….I took my time not wanting to go home and back to the busyness of life, I wanted to savor this moment…and then when I did finally get home; it is no coincidence that this was what I read in my devotional: “If you are in great pain right now, I want to encourage you to hang on. Just as a new day dawns every twenty-four hours, there is also an unshakeable promise that your pain will turn into joy, and your ashes into beauty. Some pain is with us for only a season, and if we persevere through it, we will recognize that God does have something glorious waiting for us-even in this lifetime. Can we trust that the different seasons we go through God will redeem, that some He will use to teach us something, some He will use to bring our healing, some are for building our character, while others are simply painful…but we must believe there is also a season of blessings and beauty. The Scripture was Eccl: 3:11, “He has made everything beautiful in His time.”

 

“Abba, thank you for all the wonderful promises that gives us hope. I praise and thank you that this life is not all there is, and that you have wonderful plans for our lives- not just the here and now, but in the glorious future that You have already prepared for us. May we see each incident in this life through the eternal perspective of Your promises”

 

It is when I pause in the busyness of my day and look up that I see the sun breaking through the clouds and I get a glimpse of the glorious sky…I see the luminous blue summer sky once more….it is when I quiet my heart long enough and look heavenward that I hear Him speak and become aware once again of the majestic magnitude of my God, the Creator of heaven, earth and my soul. When I quiet the clamor of the outside world I can hear the whisper of God’s voice giving me new direction and hope. He sustains me.

Hosea and Gomer….part 4 (final) January 29, 2009

That night while walking in the snow storm I once again felt the same overwhelming pain that I’d felt as a 12 year old girl……I wanted to die. I thought that was the only way the pain would stop. I could not go on like this.

As I walked, barely able to see because the icy snow was stinging my eyes, I felt an incredible presence and power radiating near me that literally sent me to my knees right there in the snow. This presence was warm and physically powerful. Yet I wasn’t afraid. I knew it was the presence of my Heavenly Father.

And then I sensed another presence on the other side of me. This one was dark and menacing, an oppression clawing at me, so evil that it nearly choked me.

 

And I knew, this night the battle for my heart would be won or lost. It was time to make my decision. Yet I knew in my spirit without a doubt that whichever choice I made my Heavenly Father would continue to love me…..there would be consequences for my actions and He would be grieved, but His covenant with me was forever. It was a blood covenant.

 

And then I heard the dialogue……the enemies taunting voice mocking and saying “she is mine.” His sardonic laughter ringing in my ears…….

And the next voice I heard was that of My Lord Jesus, the Lion of Judah…with a voice full of authority & power He proclaimed…..“No….you cannot have her…..she is MINE. ” It was like a roar that is both terrifying and wonderful all at the same time, a fury and a tenderness…. I felt the rumble. The dark menacing oppression left immediately.

 

The vision playing out before me was one of swords drawn…..Light clashing with darkness, and mighty warrior angels going into battle for me…. It lasted only seconds……I wasn’t afraid because I knew without a doubt who would win…. who had already won…..

 

“They shall walk after the LORD.

He will roar like a lion.

When He roars,

Then His sons shall come trembling from the west;

They shall come trembling like a bird from Egypt,

Like a dove from the land of Assyria.

And I will let them dwell in their houses,”

Says the LORD.”

The Book of Hosea

 

How could I turn my back on the One who had given His life for ME…whose blood had been shed for ME…who bore the marks on His back and the holes in His hands…..I knew in that moment that His mercy and compassion were as boundless as His love. No evil, no darkness, nothing, absolutely nothing could contain or diminish His power and His love.

 

When the vision and the battle were over I simply surrendered my heart as bruised and bloody as it was to the One who put His hand on my life instead of my body, who in that instant showed me what real love was all about, wiped the slate clean and gave me back my life.

 

I fell into my Savior’s arms…..I made my choice.

 

And I wept and wept as His love and forgiveness washed over me and cleansed me. The Holy Spirit bathed me in his presence.

 

I no longer felt the cold of the biting; stinging snow……. in fact, the snow began to gently fall…each snowflake feeling like a kiss upon my face. I was being cleansed as each snowflake fell. The snow like a blanket enfolded around me. My Abba Father covered me and enfolded me in His tenderness.

 

It was then that I opened my hands and let each stone fall…….

 

He asked only for my repentance so that His blessings could once again overflow. Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more. (Rom: 5:20) I laid at His feet self-hatred and self-condemnation. As I was held in His loving arms that night, and even though I knew I deserved to be separated from God, I also knew deep in my soul the wonder of being received when I should have been spurned.

 

“So I am going to attract her;

I will lead her into the desert

and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,

and I will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope.

There she will respond as when she was young,

as when she came out of Egypt.”

 

And it shall be, in that day,”

Says the LORD,

“That you will call Me ‘My Husband,

And no longer call Me ‘My Master.

 

I will betroth you to Me forever;

Yes, I will betroth you to Me

In righteousness and justice,

In loving-kindness and mercy;

I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,

And you shall know the LORD.

 

The Book of Hosea

 

 

I walked into my home and back into the arms of my waiting husband that night a changed woman. My journey of healing began that night…. it would take many years to heal completely; in fact I am still healing. But that night once the healing started I never wanted to go back. That night for the first time in my life I remember feeling whole, pure, and clean. That night I knew I would forever remain faithful to my Lord and also to my husband.

Our story does not end there…..We still needed the redemptive power of God to heal and transform our marriage. Though we could not change our past, we made the choices to begin to shape our future. We each began our journey toward wholeness…. we would not turn back. God’s mercy would give us life again.

 

The Lord says,

“Then I will heal you of your faithlessness;

my love will know no bounds,

for my anger will be gone forever.

I will be like the dew to Israel,

and they will blossom like a lily.

Like the cedar trees in Lebanon,

their roots will be firm.

They will be like spreading branches,

like the beautiful olive trees

and the sweet-smelling cedars in Lebanon.

The people of Israel will again live under my protection.

They will grow like the grain,

they will bloom like a vine,

 

The Book of Hosea

 

Hosea and Gomer~part 3 January 28, 2009

Eventually the charade I was trying to live and the pain I carried was more than I could bear…..this is when my non-Christian friend stepped in. She didn’t condemn me or make me feel like the sinner I knew I was……she showed me unconditional love…..whereas sadly, my Christian friends seem to focus on themselves and their reputations. Understandably some were afraid to confront lovingly.

I lost some friends, and some were scared to let their husbands near me. Yet for some it made them take a long hard look at their own marriages…..they said that if it could happen to my husband and I then perhaps they weren’t so secure either…..we had painted a pretty good picture up until then of the perfect marriage.

 There were some people in the Christian community who suddenly wanted to become our friends, later we realized all they wanted to know were the juicy details. That was sick.

There were some who looked at me as a (I won‘t use a coarse word but will use a less offensive word) “loose woman”. Maybe they never said it with their words but I saw it in their eyes…..each one wanting to pick up a stone…..

 

But hey they didn’t need too…..I already had enough stones gathered myself…..they were part of the baggage I hauled around. I could just hand each one a stone and let them throw it……in fact I secretly begged them to throw it…..I knew I deserved no less.

Yet here was this one friend, a non-believer who did risk our friendship- for my sake…. she knew what it felt like to have stones thrown at her…..she never picked up a stone……she never spiritualized anything.

 She sat me down one morning and with tears in her eyes and a voice that penetrated my heart she asked me if I truly felt no love for my husband……. if I really knew what I was doing to my children, did I really think this other man was going to love me and meet my needs? Would it ease and take away the pain that was so buried deep in my heart? Could I walk away and live with myself? Did I think the baggage would be gone or would I now simply add more to it? She asked these questions and then left…..giving me time alone to face myself.

 

Later that day I began to weep as I wrote a letter to her, finally able to express what was so buried under all the layers of pain…..and all the previous years of pain…..for a brief moment I allowed the window of my soul to open and the Lord showed me momentarily the condition of my wounded & fragmented heart and I penned the following words…..“I did love my husband…..no, I WANTED to love my husband…. but I didn’t know how. And anyway I didn’t deserve him. I’d never deserved him. He was good and I was bad…..in him I saw goodness- in me I saw filth and dirt……and especially now after what I’d done to him…..how could he love me? How would he ever forgive me? And what about God? No- I didn’t deserve love…. I deserved to be stoned”…….and then the window slammed shut again. The icy walls of anger, powerlessness, ambivalence, betrayal, self-contempt and shame encompassing my heart again. I hardened my heart once again.

 

No, a love coming from a man who was verbally abusive to me seemed to be a better love than love from a man who to me seemed passive. I’d only ever known aggressive, abusive love ( at least that’s what I thought love was)……a gentle, tender love “appeared” to me to be so lifeless, so passive, so silent, so foreign -not the “normal” I knew.

 

I kept waiting for my husband’s anger to erupt and I would get the beating I deserved. After all, that’s what seemed “normal” to me. That’s all I witnessed and knew while growing up. And so in my marriage I waited and expected…. I even provoked…..but not once did my husband ever raise his voice, call me names or hit me. But here I was, still choosing this new man, even if it was a sick love it was what was familiar. Just like in Proverbs 26: 11- “A fool who repeats his foolishness is like a dog that goes back to what it has thrown up”. I couldn’t accept a generous kind of love.

 

My Pastor at the time asked to see me. So with a resolve not to crumble I agreed to see him.

We spoke for some time as I let my wrath spew out about my husband and marriage.

Really, I was projecting my hatred of all men onto my husband…it was ugly and he didn’t deserve it.

 

Then he took me to a scripture that would forever change my life. (What I am about to share is probably not great theology and may have been misused…but God knew what it would take to reach me)

My Pastor turned to Hebrews 10:26-31. Verse 26 says- “For if we sin willfully after we have received the knowledge of truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins”.

This is one of the most solemn warnings against apostasy found in the scriptures…..if one willfully forsakes Christ; there is no other sacrifice for sins.

 

 The conversation went something like this:

“Are you telling me that if I leave my husband and go with this other man that I won’t go to heaven?” I asked.

“No, I am not saying that I know that for sure…. I can’t be positive that you won’t go to heaven or not. But are you willing to take the risk? Are you willing to take the chance?” He asked.

*Gulp*……this wasn’t what I wanted to hear. God is a God who forgives right? So if I left and married this other man I would be forgiven and carry on right? Now doubt clouded my mind and I didn’t like what I’d heard. Was I willfully choosing to sin….? Yes……this wasn’t looking very good.

Because I respected my Pastor I listened and we dialogued for quite awhile about the differences between a believer who occasionally sins and when we choose to deliberately sin. My head was spinning. He gave me lots to ponder and consider…..and I was getting angrier.

 

Then he went on and said, “God isn’t asking you to love your husband.”

Whoa, what did he just say??

He turned to Ephesians 5:33 “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband too.”

 

We talked for several minutes about respect and love…. man this was too much to take in.

I was in a real dilemma. Now I was forced to ask myself what I was going to do about Jesus. Was I willing to risk losing my salvation? (Please remember that although this is a subject of great debate “once saved always saved” I am not saying I agree either way- or that this Pastor did the right thing…this was simply what it took to get my attention)

“Therefore, behold,

I will hedge up your way with thorns,

And wall her in,

So that she cannot find her paths.

She will chase her lovers,

But not overtake them;

Yes, she will seek them, but not find them.

Then she will say,

‘I will go and return to my first husband,

For then it was better for me than now.’ Hosea 2: 6 & 7

 

 

God truly walled me in……suddenly things didn’t seem so clear anymore….. I loved the Lord deeply even though I was deliberately sinning…..He was still my Lord and I loved Him. I had a choice to make.

 

I went home with a battle waging within me…. it was only days later when one night I went for a walk alone in the countryside that God came alongside me and I saw the battle right before my eyes between good and evil. It was late at night……during a snowstorm……with nothing but the dark sky, swirling snow and the bitter cold, that the Lord opened my eyes to the unseen realm…..That night I had a vision that literally dropped me to my knees…..Right there kneeling in a snow bank, in the middle of a blizzard…..I saw in a vision of the Lord doing battle for my heart……and I would be forever changed…….

 

To be continued

Hosea and Gomer~Part 2 January 27, 2009

This morning I woke up and thought to myself~why am I sharing this…this it too hard….the ugliness it too raw and too real….shame threatens to choke me….

In all honesty sharing my story in “real” life or here on this blog feels very risky …..I realize that for some reading along who are the victims of their spouses betrayal and rejection this may be painful to read as it is a reminder of the deep pain adultery causes….to you I am so sorry.

For others I am taking a risk and opening the door to your possible rejection and lessoned opinion of me…..both with men and women…..maybe as with back then 20 years ago, some women will feel threatened around me….will the men be hesitant to dialogue with me and befriend me….will the women be apprehensive of me or judge me????

 

I wore then and still do to an extent- a label…..not put there by others but kept there myself…..its so hard to remove the label……but His blood is washing me clean…even still….Come Lord Jesus~Come.

Continuing….

Two years into our marriage the Lord Jesus Christ found me……and He became my Lord and Savior. Somehow I thought that since I was now a new creation in Christ that all the baggage I continued to drag around would simply disappear- wrong! It seemed to get worse after I became a Christian. But I became real good at hiding it…..Heck, very quickly I learned to put on a mask and to be “religious”…. looking like those I saw in church who always seemed to have it so together. When I would let something slip about my past I received pat answers like “Jesus is the answer”. Duh, I knew that, but how do I get from point A to point Z…. How did it become a reality in my life, what was I to do with all the baggage, how do I let it go??? I had more questions than answers. The lure of my former life often beckoning me…. could I stay strong enough to fight it? Sadly as the saying goes…the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

Skip ahead 7 years into our marriage. I wish I could say that I just “fell” into immorality but that’s not true……. the road to immorality involves a process…. it doesn’t happen instantly. A whole series of events led up to the affair. Although I won’t go into all the details that led up to it suffice to say adultery begins in the mind…..and tragically what began as an emotional involvement turned into a physical affair…. even if it was only one night. We do not live on islands and the web of deceit becomes so consuming that all other areas of life suffer in an attempt to live out a charade…..Adultery, no matter if it is once or a long drawn out affair is never trivial.

 

As I said I won’t lay blame on my husband…it would be too easy to say that I was neglected, that he wasn’t meeting my needs, his work was a priority or that I was left alone as prey for the enemy, all these things may have been true…b-u-t I am still the one who “chose” to walk down this road…. even though at the time I felt powerless to stop it…I really wasn‘t powerless. This sense of powerlessness would later be one of my biggest hurdles to overcome, one of the biggest wounds to be healed…… and it would take each of us years to accept responsibility for what was ours alone to own.

 

Continuing on: It all started when a single friend of ours began to spend a lot of time with us, often when my husband wasn’t home. I rationalized it…. after all he was my friend too and we were both Christians. But over time it progressed…. you know- the fishing for compliments, that sense of electricity between you, the prolonged stare, and the lingering touch. Sharing deep struggles with each other. Things I should have only shared with my husband or a close girlfriend. To eventually my telling him outright that I was attracted to him and he admitted his attraction too. But my telling him was like putting gasoline on a fire. And of course as Christians we spiritualize this mistake by asking them to pray for us. But instead of this man being able to pray in a godly fashion it opened the door for him to now struggle. His ego was ignited and a desire to feed that fire competes with the desire to be godly. It progressed rapidly after that.

 

I can’t even call it an affair…..the truth is it was adultery…..such an ugly word…. But hey as much as I would like to butter it up and make it sound at least acceptable- it isn’t.

 

I was going to divorce my husband and go with this man…..I would take my children with me. I told my husband I hated him and wanted out. I thought this new man was God’s answer for me. After all this man told me how he loved me, how my husband had his chance, now it was his turn…. he would be my knight in shining armor. Surely God was in this?

 

Yet as the emotional affair progressed I slowly began to see a side of this other man that I hadn’t seen before. He began to speak degradingly to me. Making me feel like he was still a good Christian and I was evil-wicked…..the adulterer…. it didn’t matter that he was committing adultery too…..he had been a Christian all his life and I was the Gomer…..I didn’t know any better…. it was my entire fault…. and I accepted it. And still I chose to leave my husband for him…..you see I was programmed to accept this kind of love…..which really wasn’t love at all but I equated my longings for love with attention, attraction and sex……..

 

But God wasn’t going to let me go that easy…..Our friends, both men and women did not know what to do…..no one loved me enough to get to the heart issue…..all but one…. and she wasn’t a believer!! But I am getting ahead of myself.

 

I will never forget the look of betrayal and pain that I caused my husband…..here was the woman he loved walking away. Throwing away his love for her……mocking his tenderness, and allowing herself to be seduced once again by other lovers. I knew he was cut to the heart, disgusted, outraged, broken and in deep pain…..A storm of grief and fury began to build within him……..I saw all this. I saw what it was doing to my children and I still chose to throw it all away……. or at least I almost did.

 

 I am sure like Hosea my husband wanted to shake me awake, to shout at me…. but he never did.

He did fight for me…..but it looked very different than what I thought it would look like…….

 

I saw the look on my husband’s face the morning after God got a hold of his heart…..and I knew something had happened…..In the midst of his pain and grief, he had heard the voice of the Lord……and a transformation began to take place……as with Hosea- God spoke to his heart and asked him “to go and show love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods.”

 

But my heart was so cold that nothing could penetrate it and I thought- “its a little too late buddy”…..I was still leaving…..

 

but God who had seemed silent until now had other plans…..He would soon open my spiritual eyes and show me how it was breaking not only my husbands heart…..but His as well…that even as I was abandoning Him and turning away…. He was waiting with open arms……. little did I know that before I would run back into His arms and back to my husband, I would be allowed to see the true enemy of my soul…. and my Father’s relentless pursuit of me.

 

To be continued…….

Hosea and Gomer January 26, 2009

This past fall I read the fictional book Healing Stones by Stephen Arturburn and Nancy Rue…this book opened my eyes to many, many truths. So many of the pages were ear tagged and sentences high-lighted…and so often the Holy Spirit would whisper to me-are you getting this? Are you reading this with more than your head? Is your heart hearing this? He would say “this one” regarding a certain sentence and I knew there was something to glean from it, a truth to replace the lies…I continue to be on a journey~I felt like I was reading my own story in this book…I was Demi…and though it was 20 years ago, I still carry the stigma of the woman caught in adultery…I still carry around my own stone. *quiet tears*….but as I process, journal and pray I am trusting and believing that healing will come… my Lord has used this book to crack open the door to where I can now look more fully at self-forgiveness….already I feel the grip on the stone lessening.

 

This feels risky for me sharing this part of my story, will people pick up stones, will they reject me? Abuse from my past brings with it shame and guilt, and although this part of my life’s story is about choices I made as an adult, woven throughout it reveals hidden wounds from my past not yet healed and brought into the light of the cross of Christ…it reveals a deep shame still needing the healing touch of my Lord.

 

 I sense the Lord saying it is now time. I have often said that the Lord supernaturally brought my husband to me. And I liken it to the story of Hosea and Gomer. Because I can get wordy and long-winded (forgive me) I will share this part of my story in stages. Please bear with me and I will try to not share to many “messy” details, for two reasons. One- because I realize that there is a wide range of readers on this site…perhaps some quite young. And two- because sometimes when one has wounds not healed reading someone else’s pain can stir up unresolved emotions and pain….I will try to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s leading.

 

I realize that ultimately the story of Hosea and Gomer really portrays God’s jealously and love for His people……yet it was the first time a prophet dared to speak of God as a husband and Israel as His bride.

 

It is a tangled love story…. One where God’s heart is repeatedly broken…… it is a story of two lives Gomer and Hosea…. knit together as a living reminder of both God’s judgment and His love……. this is our story……

 

Gomer- her name means “Completion”

 

“I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. Let us acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.” From the book of Hosea

 

I came into our marriage dragging behind me baggage…. ugly and messy baggage. Baggage that I tried to hide. But how does one hide bulging baggage? But I tried…..I tried to keep the lid so tightly closed on it hoping it would never spill out or heaven forbid “explode”. Sure my husband brought his own baggage too…. but to me the outside of his baggage looked pretty good…. not ugly and dirty like mine…his didn’t seem tattered around the edges and he didn’t seem to work so hard to hide it……actually, he denied it was even there. But this is my story and I won’t be sharing about my husband’s baggage, that’s for him to share if he so chooses too…..I won’t be going into the “if onlys” and placing any blame on him…..this is about my “part” of the story….my “messes”.

 

Why do I say that God supernaturally brought my husband to me……in order to do so I need to back up a bit…. Have any of you watched the movie Georgia Rule? If you have, I was Rachel…… I am not saying I condone the movie, its rather raw, but it gives you an idea of who I was. I was pretty messed up.

 

 I wept through the scene where Rachel leans on Simon as they watch TV, just as she said she liked to do with her stepfather. She longs for real, fatherly love from Simon, but that longing inevitably gets confused with sex. Later, Rachel puts on lingerie, gets in bed with Simon and says that she loves him. Simon refuses to take the bait, telling her, “I’m never going to have sex with you. Never.” He tells Rachel that her stepfather took everything from her, including her capacity to tell right from wrong and her capacity for trust. Real love, he says, is impossible without trust. Rachel thanks him sincerely for saying no to her sexual advance.

 

 

I won’t go into the details of my childhood sexual abuse and rape but will pick up where my husband came into my life. I had been involved with a group of guys where I just was one of their chattels…..sure one of the guys was my boyfriend but really I was everyone’s property. Life was one big party……I was both the tough girl and the party girl. The summer I met my husband to be I had begun to walk away from this group…..I know now it was the Lord leading…..only back then I didn’t know it.  I had gone to church from time to time and had even been confirmed in the Lutheran Church but as my lifestyle began to take the forefront I walked away from the church. I felt too dirty and stained…how could any God love me…. I wasn’t pure and certainly not “good”. I knew my sins……they were many!

 

That summer through a mutual friend from another town I met my husband to be and we began dating. He was unlike any guy I’d ever dated…..Sure he drank and smoked but he treated me like a princess……with such tenderness and a love that was foreign to me. I’d only known abuse.

 

We were married a year later, I at the young age of 18 and he was 19. I realized later that I’d married to escape the life I’d known……and he for different reasons…..perhaps one day he will share his reasons.

We were as different as night and day. He came from a Christian background, a good moral and upstanding family. I came from the wrong side of the tracks!! His family never raised their voices…..mine only knew how to holler. Violence was foreign to them, I was raised with men who were misogynists.

 Coffee was the strongest drink they drank……my father was an alcoholic. I really didn’t know what a Christian was……but I knew how to party and I knew how to be seductive and to use my sensuality to manipulate.

 

 It took me many years later to understand or even accept that my husband loved “me”……..While dating I saw in him goodness, integrity, decency, kindness all the qualities I had never known……lavished on me…..I didn’t know how to receive it or how to handle it. And so even as we dated I did the only thing that I knew how to do……. I gave sex in order to get love…..I enticed a young man to stumble……I have grieved over that many times.

 

And so when we married that baggage I lugged behind me began to open and spill out. All the emotions I had tried to hide began to spill out….guilt, humiliation, blame, anger, rage, shame and the biggest one-fear.

 

 It was a tempestuous marriage…..and like Gomer I was the wife who could not remain faithful to a husband who not only remained faithful but loving.

 

I think this is where I will leave off for now……I have never shared the next part of my story with anyone……because of the deep shame-perhaps… it’s not a story I am not proud of or one that is easy for me to  share…..but I sense the Lord saying that I need to……its time…..healing will come as I release it….

 

Even now the tears flow…. not necessarily because of shame…..but because God loved me long before I ever thought of loving Him…. its a story of my unfaithfulness and God’s forgiveness……

 

To be continued…………

 

 

 

A Radiant Bride November 2, 2008

Just this past week the Lord gave me a vision that healed a part of my heart long ago wounded, and long ago buried.

 On my wedding day some 30 years ago, although I was dressed in white and felt like the radiant bride, something happened that took that joy away and clothed me instead with a garment of shame and sadness.

 

It was just before the reception when my aunt took me aside into a small room adjacent to the main hall, to talk to me she said. I had no clue as to what she could possibly want to say to me. But I followed her, cautiously optimistic, hopeful even. Could this possibly be one of those times when a mother would take her daughter aside and say beautiful, life giving words to her, just like in the movies I thought?

 

She only spoke a few words to me that day as she looked me square in the eye and said words that wielded a death blow to the one day where I felt like a beautiful, accepted and loved woman.

 

She said simply, “Your marriage will never work, because you will never be satisfied.”

That’s it…no explanation, nothing. She walked out of the room and I stood there for a few seconds more, baffled….and bleeding….my heart wounded….now I was supposed to go out and pretend that all was okay. I was to enjoy the rest of my wedding day? How? How could I face people, is this how they saw me? Is this what my new husband saw? I felt ashamed and hurt. No longer did I feel the radiant bride, instead I felt dirty and ashamed. I felt stained. My beautiful wedding dress felt heavy and torn. I hid the tears and found the courage to walk out and face the guests and my new husband. But something was lost that day.

 

I internalized her words and I interpreted her words to mean I was selfish. Her words set me up to believe and accept that I was selfish, that I could never be satisfied and from then on I strove to not be selfish. Everything I did from then on, I did to prove I was not a selfish person.

 

Her words were like a curse that day….and it followed me around like a dark shadow…..casting its distinct glow on all that I did as a wife, a mother, a friend, a woman of God. I donned the cape of superwoman just to prove I was not selfish, that I could be satisfied with even the crumbs under the table….I could settle for anything less than ideal, even if it hurt me or cost me something.

 

Then, two weeks ago out of the blue the thought came to me that on my wedding day I really didn’t feel worthy of wearing a beautiful, white wedding gown. After all I wasn’t a pure, spotless bride. I was tainted and ashamed. Hmm, I thought…I think God may be wanting to tell me something here…I’ve learned that when things like this from the past pop into my mind that often it is God preparing my heart for revelation.

 

Then one day last week as I was speaking with my counselor I realized that what my aunt had said to me was a curse. So we went to the Lord and prayed about it. As I renounced the curse and the effect it had on me and also repented of any bitter-root judgments I had against my aunt, the Lord gave me a vision.

I once again saw myself in that little room with my aunt, but this time after she left and I stood there alone….I looked up and saw the Lord standing there with me. He simply placed His hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. Smiling, He wrapped around me a beautiful robe of pure, dazzling white; it shimmered in the light of His radiance. He then took me by the hand and walked with me out of that room and into the waiting hall and room full of guests. As I walked out I sensed not shame, but a radiance…I realized that the radiance not only shone from the One walking beside me but it shone from me as well….I was no longer clothed with the cloak of shame but rather a radiance that came from Him and warmed me from head to toe…clothed in His brilliance and enveloped in His love…..the shame was gone……I once again felt like a radiant bride awaiting her husband…..and then together we walked out into the room and He gathered me in His arms and we danced.

 

The shame, the wound, the striving was gone….I felt like I could now rest in His presence and in those around me….no more striving….no more guilt, no more shame….I was accepted in the beloved….a pure, radiant, spotless bride….clothed in the robes of righteousness, robes that had been purchased by my Lord….He had paid the ultimate price for my healing, for my joy, for my acceptance, for my freedom….for me….I stand next to my husband now of 30 years and I feel worthy…worthy because of Christ and all that He has done for me and all that He is….

 

The Dream September 18, 2008

I remember very vividly the day I came face to face with the realization that I both hated and feared men. In one sense it was a shocking insight, yet at the same time I felt cold regarding it. Not really caring much. “So”, I thought, “I have a right to feel this way. Look at what men have done to me.” I felt justified in my feelings.

During one of my counseling sessions I came to the understanding that my depression had been a mask covering up my anger. I never thought of myself as an angry person, sure I got mad sometimes. Something would trigger me and I could blow up, but I was not a rage-aholic like the men in my home growing up.

While I had been learning that underneath the depression was a low-lying rage, which simmered and would explode once in awhile, I came to recognize that although I was not a rage-aholic the potential to become one was there.

I never exploded with physical violence like they did, but instead I used my words like lethal weapons. When my husband would say something that hurt me I would react in anger and my words would hit their mark, his heart… words of hate towards men would come out spilling out…. and I knew when my words had hit the mark, I could see it in his eyes. But I never really saw how deep my hatred and fear went until I was in counseling and had to face it.

 

So what was I to do with this hate? How was I to let it go? One night I took it to the Lord, and I prayed that He would give me “wisdom in the hidden parts”. And I waited. Nothing, no sudden miracles and boom it was gone, no words of knowledge, only silence.

 

But that night I had a dream. A dream so vivid that I knew God was speaking.

In my dream the Lord led me to a large garden surrounded by a small, white picket fence. As we stood in the garden He asked me what I saw. “Weeds,” was my reply. I did see the odd flower poking up through the weeds but it was filled with mostly weeds.

By this time I’m thinking why God would bring me here. This is ugly, who wants a garden full of weeds.

 

Then the Lord asked me to trust Him and close my eyes. As I closed them He gently touched my eyes and then asked me to open them again. This time when I looked it was a totally different garden. There were flowers blooming everywhere. Flowers of every size and shape and color filled the garden. And the fragrance was intoxicating. It was a garden fresh and alive.

When I looked closely I could see the odd weed growing amongst the flowers, but the beauty of the garden was so breathtaking that I didn’t notice the weeds.

 

Confused I looked to the Lord for an explanation. He said,” Daughter, you were looking at this garden through your eyes, your experiences, you saw all men as weeds.

You have lived as a victim of fear for so long that what you expect to see colors what you really do see in life. Daughter, in order to deal with your fear and your hate, you must change your expectations.

Yes, you were abused and wounded by men, but Daughter, there are flowers in the kingdom if you wish to find them. Not all men are like the ones who abused you. You have painted all men with the same paint brush; your fear is tied to your past, but look at the present for what it is.

Today I am showing you that there are more flowers than weeds in my kingdom. Today I have opened your spiritual eyes to truth. Today I am showing you that not all men are depraved or evil. Stop living in fear and change your expectations and as you do healing will come and the hate will dissolve.”

 

I woke up from this dream and wept. I repented of my hate and painting all men with the same paint brush, generalizing all men into the same category. I can honestly say the pain and anger left. I knew that God had visited me in my dreams. I saw men with new eyes. I saw my husband with new eyes. Did it mean I could trust any man, no…I still needed to use discretion and wisdom just as I would with any person. Yes, there has still been the odd time when the fear creeps back in but no longer did I paint all men with the same paint brush. No longer did I hate. God healed the hatred.

Jesus invites us to life! September 9, 2008

I am like the woman who was hemorrhaging and touches
Jesus’ cloak and found healing.
I am like the woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears and dried them with her hair.

I am like Hagar who had an encounter with El Roi-the God who sees and received dignity and meaning.
I am like Sarah who held onto hope, for nothing is too hard for my Lord.
I am like the woman at the well, who met the Man who loved her despite her sins and uncovered her need for Him.
I am like Tamar, because the beauty of my story is in God’s power to bring positive from negative,to bring good out of tragedy, and blessing out of less than honorable events.

These women in the Bible give me hope, because Jesus loved these women. And like these women God also invited me out of the shadows and into His arms, He called my name, I was thirsty and He gave me His living water, He called me to live. He takes me in His arms and draws me close. And as I learn to dance in the arms of my Lord I go where He leads, turn where He directs, follow in His footsteps, and grow in His love….
Jesus is my living hope…He took me by the hand and walked me out of the dark and into the light….no longer afraid…but rather He continues to offer me hope… for healing and for freedom….because in the arms of Christ I am given grace, dignity, peace and a righteous confidence. Because I finally see that since the day I was born, God has been passionately in love with me…and His invitation is life!

Friends, since the day you were born our Heavenly Father has been calling your name and He is passionately in love with you…He invites you to live…calling you alive by the power of His promises.

God speaks to each one of us the words from 2 Kings 20:5 “I have heard your prayer and seen your tears.
I will heal you.”

He waits for you….may you find yourself running to Him, resonding to His invitation with your life. I pray you run into the arms of God, let His strength embrace you…let His love hold you close.