In case you are wondering I have been extremely busy and unable to write. I really miss this opportunity to work on my relationship with God ‘out loud’. He’s still working with me in the mean time, always leading me in the paths of righteousness. I hope to be able to share my thoughts with you again in a couple of months.
God bless you!
Lisa
Continuing on …A Captivated Woman
As a little girl I loved to read, and fairy tales were among my favorites. Thumbelina made me cry, Cinderella gave me hope, and I laughed through Snow White delighted by the seven dwarfs. I would gaze at the pictures for hours imagining myself in their fancy ball gowns; dancing with the prince…..fairy tales offered the hopes and dreams of the life I envisioned as a child.
They awakened my heart to the possibilities of adventure, beauty, romance, a different life; the living happily ever after stories.
I think fairy tales awaken something in the heart of all little girls. It caused us to believe that we were meant for a world of splendor and wonder, of safety and protection. One of my favorite fairy tales made into a movie is Cinderella. In this movie and fairy tale I see my heart as a small child, a daughter who was born to be wanted, cherish and delighted in. A child who was born with a song in her heart and radiance in her soul that shone through her eyes. In the fairy tale she was meant to grow into a woman of beauty, courage and gifts; her life a gift to those around her.
But just like Cinderella that wasn’t the world I grew up in….and chances are neither were you.
In the story her prince does come, but first she experiences betrayal, heartache and suffering. As children we don’t understand that part of the story do we, until we are grown.
It’s been a few decades since I was that little girl who devoured those stories. As I look back at the little girl who was stirred by those stories, those fairy tales, it feels like that innocent heart belonged to someone else.
Looking back I see all too clearly how I allowed busyness, the desire to please people, the expectations, all the striving to define me. I even allowed my past, my mistakes, my failures, and the abuse to define who I was. And like Snow White I grew tired and fell into a deep slumber.
Stasi has said in Captivating that as women we still long for intimacy and adventure, we long to be the beauty in a great story, we long for what the fairy tales promise. Yet for many, even though that desire is planted deep in our hearts, it seems elusive because the message that our culture, and sadly even some churches, is that it is granted only to those who have it all together first. And so we are driven to try harder. To perform, to look perfect, to be perfect and in the process we bury our hearts and simply get on with life.
But wait…. I have heard a quiet voice whispering to my heart…..as God softly speaks through His Word my heart awakens and He gives me permission to take care of my heart, that my heart as a woman is the most important thing about me….Proverbs 4:23, “Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.” (The Message)
And when I read about the creation in Genesis I find that rather than shaping Eve out of dust, the Lord “fashioned” her out of flesh and bone taken from Adam. I love that!!
Does this not make her twice refined??
Is there not a difference between fashioning and shaping? Could it be that fashioning reflects a greater level of creativity and a more refined technique?
Think about it ladies…..you have been created, fashioned by the Creator…you reflect His heart.
Can you hear His voice whispering how much He loves you….your heart matters to Him….from the time we are little girls until now we are on a journey to discover what God meant and had in mind when He created women in His image….our journey begins in our hearts….the journey of desire….the journey as John and Stasi have said; to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. And just maybe that’s what the fairy tales were seeking to tell us as well.
Today I am a grandmother and as I read the fairy tales to my granddaughters I get a lump in my throat as I contemplate…. what will their stories will be….and I pray daily for them…I pray that as God writes their love stories it will be the most beautiful fairy tale of all.
For the next little while I would like to share some thoughts from one of my favorite books, Captivating, by Stasi Eldridge. I strongly recommend this book, and encourage every woman to read it; I would also encourage every father with daughters to read it.
I don’t know if you are a woman like me but for too many years I tried so hard to hide the desires of my heart as a girl and then as a woman. Maybe like me you have been put to shame and had guilt placed on you by others for having feelings and thoughts that God himself put within you…that is so wrong and so sad…..
As some of you may know by now, if you’ve read any of my blog that my childhood was anything but safe. And although there was sexual abuse it was also a conservative home. Girls didn’t wear nail polish, and especially not red nail polish because only a certain type of girl wore red. Even the clothes we wore were to be modest and again red seemed to be the scandalous color so you avoided it. Red also meant you wanted to be noticed. And as a girl you were to blend into the scenery. Even though this wasn’t a Christian home there was an unspoken rule that if you enjoyed dancing, singing and wanting to be told you’re lovely and beautiful then you were considered immoral, or at the very least you were wanting attention and that was wrong….good girls didn’t seek attention.
Yet, growing up was confusing as we received two conflicting messages; you are a female therefore a man is justified in using you, but also that as a female you were to dress modestly because you didn’t want to be considered a tramp!!! On one hand you were to be a good girl, wear nothing flashy or showy, and yet pornography was viewed in the home and the men in my family openly flirted with waitresses while the family sat and watched. There were two kinds of women in the world; the bad girls and the good girls. I was a good girl, yet a sexually abused girl-so which one was I???? What a confused, mixed bag of messages.
So when I married into an ultra conservative Christian family where the women only wore dresses, black shoes and head coverings I became even more confused. And guess what, in this religious culture red was considered a “worldly” color and so the women’s dresses were very plain of nondescript color.
A couple years later the Lord Jesus found me, and I continued to struggle as I tried to sort through all the “laws” of being a “TRUE” Christian woman. Now I had not only the chains from my childhood to break free from but also the constricting, invisible prison walls of religion binding me.
It has taken me many years of walking with Jesus to break free of those chains and I am still sometimes daily breaking those chains.
There are still things in my life that I hide from certain people because I am afraid they would judge me or they would consider me a “backslider” or what ever it is people try to put on you….so many of the things that religion shouts; “don’t do this, or wear this, or go there, or do that, or listen to that”. The voice of religion that shouts; “if you do that you’re going to fall away from the Lord” or “you’re not going to be good enough”….”or you are not considered as “spiritual” as the rest.
Truthfully, I am really tired of it. I am tired of trying to fit a mold that constricts me, that restricts the source of LIFE. Tired of trying to be someone I am not and trying to do things to be good enough.
That isn’t how God created me. I want to be who He created me to be. Daily the Lord gives me the strength and reminders to be myself and stay strong and walk in my freedom as a woman in Him.
And it isn’t easy, but then freedom never is.
Yet I confess there are still days when I get tired of dragging behind me, like a worn heavy blanket, the agony, concern and fear of what others think. But I thank my Lord Jesus that those days are much fewer because I have tasted what it is truly like to not drag that cumbersome blanket and live like God created me to live.
What a beautiful journey….what freedom….when we become women captivated by Jesus and we begin to discover the beauty and power of being a Woman.
I called~He answered
I was lost~He found me
I was broken~ He restored
I was bruised~ He mended
I was unclean~He cleansed me
I was bitter~ He gave me joy
I was in ashes~ He gave me beauty
I was alone~ He became my refuge
I was wounded~He healed
I was angry~ He became my calm
I was despairing~ He gave me hope
I was fearful~ He gave me boldness
I was abandoned~ He adopted me
I stumbled ~ He carried me
I was in bondage ~ He broke the chains
I was powerless~ He rescued me
I was depressed~ He gave me peace
I was stained~ He made me holy
I was sinful~His sacrifice me righteous
He is Grace
He is Compassion
He is Mercy
He is Forgiveness
He is Holy
He is Righteous
He is Beautiful
He is The Healer
He is my Refuge in the storm
He is Faithful
He is Patience
He is Hope
He is The Life
He is The Truth
He is the Way
He is Love
He is Jesus
(copywrited)
Boundaries can be defined as a pre-determined, or common sense way or even an intuition that we hold on to that defines our “safe place”. A boundary is like a walled protection with gates in the wall where we may choose to let some people get closer than others. There are fences, perhaps internal, which also help to give us the developmental and protective “space” we need in which to flourish.
How do you know if you are doing well at putting into practice boundaries? Do you often find yourself saying yes, when you really want to say no? What do healthy boundaries look like? How do we keep them strong and in place without becoming totally unavailable to those we love, work with, or serve in some capacity?
Boundaries involve another important word-balance!
One of my major clues whether or not I am successful at implementing my boundaries is that I feel uncomfortable. Other times I may feel that nagging voice of resentment when I have responded with too many “yes’s” because I don’t say what I need to say or do what I need to do and my frustration and irritation simmers just below the surface.
When someone has overstepped my personal physical boundary I feel uncomfortable or upset because perhaps my personal space has been invaded. Yet I often wrestle with the question of whether my concern is justified. But I am learning to listen to that internal voice when that red flag that goes up. I am learning to accept that my concern is justified if my radar keeps going up concerning a specific person lets say…..I am justified if I am uncomfortable.
And then there are the times I may feel uncomfortable when I’ve worked to make clear a boundary that someone continually tries to step on or over. And as I’ve examined my words and actions I’ve found that I didn’t do or say anything wrong or unkind, even though I may feel uncomfortable because I am not giving in to another’s demands as much as I did when I was younger.
And maybe it feels cruel or unkind because I can now do something for myself instead of focusing solely on the other’s desires, no longer so preoccupied with wondering if I am hurting the other person, or the fear of getting them angry. I’ve learned that in the case of them getting angry I can either set the boundary or try to control their response, perhaps by appeasing them, but I’ve learned that I can’t do both.
I can’t effectively set personal boundaries and at the same time take responsibility for controlling another person’s feelings or actions. I set personal boundaries to take care of myself, not to control another.
And though I may feel all right while I give my honest answer in setting a boundary there are times when the old tapes begin to replay the guilt messages. But, those tapes are wearing out; the messages they play aren’t so noisy and clear anymore.
I know that boundaries are healthy and good, and that God is helping me to say “no” appropriately and He is equipping me to make my boundaries functional.
Coming from a childhood of abuse I have had to work hard to develop boundaries that work for me. And I confess, I often need to go back and adjust or modify them from time to time.
Learning how to set healthy boundaries for ourselves is a huge step in the healing process even though at first they feel awkward. But with practice and persistence the benefits are well worth the effort.
According to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend in their excellent book, Boundaries, “We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that will harm us outside.” So one of the steps we take is to identify the people and behaviors of people that nurture us. Boundaries have been described as limits we set to define who we are and what we will allow in our relationships with others.
When I am under stress or when something “triggers” an old wound occasionally my natural instinct is to return to my old ways or patterns. It bugs me when I say yes to someone out of my people pleasing, appeasing or peace making. And it irritates me when I find myself wanting to “run” again and not wanting to face the trigger or to do the work of putting up boundaries.
But maybe you are like me and find that when we operate within healthy boundaries life is much more uncomplicated and less stressful when we honor who we are and what we need and desire….because our Heavenly Father is the one who created our personalities, temperaments, gifts and limitations. Do we not honor Him when we are ourselves?
What about you….how do you like your steak done, do you even like steak? What is your favorite pastime, what is your favorite color? What makes you tick? Who are you? Who in your life is supportive, loyal, truthful and trustworthy?
What situations, events, or people are there in your life that you should say “no” to in order to be true to yourself? Or perhaps there are good things you should say “yes” to that would benefit and bless yourself and others as well.
I often have to stop and do a relationship check-up so to speak, to ask myself if I am being authentic and honestly sharing myself with others or am I faking it, being phony on the outside and then later paying for it with the negative, harmful emotions that I stuff on the inside.
Sometimes I need a reality check and have to ask myself if my relationships are intimate, authentic and sincere. Am I being who I long to be, and who God created me to be.
