El Roi- the God who sees May 31, 2009

I mentioned Hagar in the previous post, Why go back, and as I’ve read more about this woman I’ve come to learn more about her, about my God and indeed about myself.

When you read the account of Hagar you find that neither Sarah nor Abraham ever addressed her by name. Yet when Hagar fled to the wilderness and there the Angel of the Lord appeared to her he called her by name and knew everything about her (Gen 16:8).

It was no chance encounter in the wilderness because in Genesis 6:7 it says that the angel found her, the finding that comes from searching and seeking. Hagar mattered deeply to God.

Like Hagar I know what it does to me when the Lord calls me by name, when he recognizes me! Hagar received dignity and significance, a simple but unchanging truth that God’s eyes were fixed on her…..she was not alone……she did matter.

Next Hagar does something that no one else in scripture does-male or female- she names Him El Roi: the God who sees me. In doing this she expresses her most basic theological conviction: she is not invisible to God.

I am in awe that “God sees me”, not just as one of countless faces in a crowd…….but “me” all by myself. Yes life can be lonely even amid all our activities, the busyness of life, the hustle and bustle of appointments, errands, friendships, even a good marriage. As quoted in a book I’ve been reading  ”For all of us there are plenty of wilderness experiences when we suffer symptoms of isolation and insignificance. For all of us, there are inevitable moments when, even surrounded by loving family and friends, we feel invisible or go through something alone. A surgery, a divorce, a death, a failure. Those sleepless nights, those closet moments, those tears we shed in private.”

What we wouldn’t give to find Hagar’s spring and to be found by the Angel of the Lord. Hagar received dignity and significance. The realization that God’s eyes were fixed on her empowered her with a kind of freedom & meaning that no one could ever take away. She was not alone, she was not abandoned, and she did matter.

In reading about Hagar this week her story shouts loudly to me, and indeed to all of us, as God’s daughters, as God’s sons……we do count~we are not invisible…..Hagar teaches us a valuable and powerful lesson of just how profoundly significant we are to our God….because God is our El Roi- the God who sees!!

Why go back? May 31, 2009

Have you ever wondered why God takes us back to a specific memory or time in our lives when revisiting some of the dark times can be a very painful experience?

 Even allowing ourselves a fleeting look in that direction can open up a flood of pain and emotions. Yet, there are times that God gently asks us to go back, to take another look. He does this not because He is cruel or uncaring and takes delight in our pain. He doesn’t do this to aggravate our wounds, or to cause further hurt & injury or emotional harm.

 Rather He draws us back to specific memory in order to bring us healing, because only when we experience His healing are we able to move on…..to walk with victory and live in freedom.

I am reminded of Hagar in Genesis 16. As the story unfolds we find that when Hagar was pregnant with Abraham’s child, his wife Sarah mistreated her. Sarah treated Hagar appallingly and with such harsh contempt that it caused her to flee into the wilderness.

 But it was there that the Angel of the Lord spoke to Hagar. Genesis 16: 7-9, “Now the angel of the Lord found her….by the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, Sarai’s maid, where have you come from and where are you going?” And she said, “I am fleeing from the presence of my mistress Sarai.” Then the angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit yourself to her authority.”

 Why would the angel of the Lord ask this of Hagar? Surely nothing could have been more distressing. Yet God called Hagar to go back. Return to your mistress; go back to where you have suffered. And while Hagar must have been distressed and even bewildered at God’s command, He gave her a promise…..Genesis 6:10, “I will greatly multiply your descendents so that they shall be too many to count.”

What I get from that is that when the Lord prompts us to return to our places or memories of pain and suffering we can be certain of His promise of restoration, His promise of healing and the hope for our futures.

 (On a side note, please know that what it is not saying is that if you are in an abusive situation you are to go back, I don’t believe for one moment that is what it is referring to.)

 Isaiah 51:3 says; “The Lord will surely comfort Zion. And will look with compassion on all her ruins; He will make her deserts like Eden, Her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, And thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

Our Heavenly Father specializes in restoration…..it’s His greatest work!!

I like what author Ruth Graham says; “God loves to create order out of chaos. Consider where He started in Genesis, bringing order to an earth that was “formless and void” (Genesis 1:2). God likewise steps into our ruins, picks up the pieces, and reassembles our mistakes, hurts, faults, and failed plans in ways that are wonderful and surprising. He never wastes anything.”

 God will make our deserts like Eden. He looks upon us with tender love and compassion. He doesn’t condemn us, rather He sees hope….He sees a future where we only see shards & ruins. His desire and hope for us is to bring us out of our tragedies, our devastation, our wreckage, our ruins….. Healed, strengthened, set free, and with a new song in our hearts. This is His promise. Joy and gladness will be found in her!!

More from ‘God is No Fool’ May 30, 2009

This book I’m reading is really speaking to my heart.  I believe it’s been out of print until recently this year when the 40th anniversary edition came out.  If you have the chance to read ‘God is No Fool’ by Lois A. Cheney you won’t be disappointed.  Here’s a piece that challenged me today:

“When we have grown past praying for personal peace,

When we have matured past praying for comfort,

When we have moved past praying for self,

When we move into praying for strength to act,

I think we are then making the most important prayer there is.”

 

God bless you, dear reader.

Of Men and Angels May 24, 2009

Today while standing in a spacious bookstore I picked up a book about letting go of spiritual burdens.  As I touched the pages I felt a great comfort, remembering with gratitude a God who lifts burdens like mine.  

“Excuse me.”  The stranger’s voice startled me.  I looked up to see a confident and attractive man, maybe five or ten years younger than me.  Confused, I wondered if I’d given him the impression that I worked there.  If you had offered me a million guesses I could have never predicted what would come out of his mouth next:  ”I think you’re GORGEOUS!”.  With that and a smile, he simply spun around and walked away.  By the time I had recovered enough to stammer ‘thank you’ he was safely out of hearing range.

Sometimes I wonder if angels still roam the earth, disguised as men.

Just One Day May 23, 2009

This poem from the book “God is No Fool” by Lois A. Cheney touched my heart this morning.

 

One day.

Just one day.

 

If I could present to my God,

Just one day

of pure intention

of faithful purpose

of loving heart

of prayerful actions.

 

Just one day,

of total commitment

of untarnished speech

of unselfish acts

of total concentration.

 

Just one day,

lacking weakness

lacking jealousy

lacking self-absorption

lacking foolishness.

 

Just one day,

One day

If I could present to my God,

Just one day.

My wall of safety…. May 20, 2009

 Safe~do I feel safe with God…with others….how often don’t I project onto God my feelings about myself. All too often I feel safe with God only when I see myself as generous, caring, compassionate, giving…without the scars, fears or tears~perfect.

 And this brings me to the crux of my wrestling…..Dan Allender says in The Wounded Heart, “suffering is equally necessary for us because it strips away the pretense that life is reasonable and good, a pretense that keeps us looking in all the wrong places for the satisfaction of our souls.”….my counselor several years ago told me that my greatest fear was pain…how right he was.

The fear of pain is still my Achilles heal, the area I struggle with, the very thing I try desperately to avoid…if I can just live life perfect enough, if I do all the right things then I won’t experience pain, I will be safe….at least my definition of safe!!

There was a book that came out several years ago called, “Your God is too Safe”, I confess that I never read it although my husband did. In fact I didn’t want to read it because in my mind it said “Your God is not safe”. What??? As a victim of abuse if I couldn’t be safe with God then where did that leave me….but God gently brings us to the end of ourselves, often to the very place we try to avoid in order to bring His healing & truth.

The other morning a dear friend called me and we talked about God and being safe. She suggested I use another word for safe such as secure. I can get that. Later that morning something quite unusual happened as my husband and I went for a walk. We always go to our local park to walk the trails but this particular morning we took another route to get there. We took a shortcut and walked alongside the railway. While walking we spotted this sign, right beside us, you couldn’t miss it.

My husband started laughing…I groaned….okay God what are you saying here? I knew this wasn’t a coincidence. This rusty old sign today would not be politically correct, hence why it was thrown in the garbage long ago.  And notice in the photo that this sign is sitting amongst a pile of garbage.

 Safety as I defined it was to never feel pain, to never suffer, to never get hurt, to never have difficulty.  I have lived so much of my life trying to be safe.

Webster’s defines safe as:

1: free from harm or risk

2 a: secure from threat of danger, harm, or loss b: successful at getting to a base in baseball without being put out

3: affording safety or security from danger, risk, or difficulty

4obsolete of mental or moral faculties

5 a: not threatening danger b: unlikely to produce controversy or contradiction

6 a: not likely to take risks  

 Hmm, free from risk, not generate controversy…. I equated safe as predictable. I brought God down to my level. How much clearer could it be? I lived so much of my Christian walk like that sign…. striving; seeking to make my world safe….this is how I tried to live, making my world safe because I couldn’t trust God to look after me…..the root of it all is control!! Trying to control my world and trying to control God. I tried to set the standard for what safe looks like when really it is God who sets the standard. The Scriptures say that I am made in God’s image but all too often I make God in my image.

And I realized that all the safety nets that I’ve put in place sometimes have holes, my safeguards are not the ultimate answer.

 And just like that sign thrown into the garbage heap I too must throw my idols away, my striving, my control.

 When I fail to cease my striving, to control, when I fail to look at the One who created me I am in danger of idolatry, of finding my sole (and soul) meaning in the works of my hands. Trying to make God in my image, predictable!!

 Yes as responsible people we do our best to avert harm-why tempt fate? As responsible people we do our best to protect ourselves as best we can, wear our seat belts, install security alarms etc. But the truth is that our real security must be in Jesus. Only in Him can we live in true security.

What does naked trust look like?? What does it look like to give up control? And what does it look like to feel secure as God’s child. I think I am starting to get it.

I no longer need to cower as a shame-filled, abused woman; tremulously afraid that I don’t deserve God’s blessings rather I can reclaim my wholeness and right to feel secure as God’s child. Jesus has given us as human beings a rock to stand on. This security in our personhood is one of the gifts of the cross.

I haven’t worked out the whole area of God’s protection yet, but I think I am getting it. And for the first time in my life am able to look at this area.

And I think I get what Mark Buchanan is trying to say in his book, Your God is too Safe, and maybe it’s finally time to dust it off and read it.

As the wall crumbles…. May 18, 2009

 This is what I wrote in my journal the first day of our vacation in Mexico;

Jesus says; Come with me on another adventure. Hold on to me, learn from me. My yoke is gentle, my burden is light.

“Father God, as I spend some time in quiet rest and relaxation I ask Lord God that You speak to my heart, kiss me with Your promises, gently caress my soul and bring quiet assurance and hope to my spirit. Holy Spirit enable me to hear- open my spiritual ears.”

This was my hearts desire while on this holiday. Not only did I need rest and time alone with my husband but I longed for God’s voice, His touch, His presence, His care…..I was basking in His glorious creation, celebrating His goodness, enjoying precious time with my love…..praying and asking God for His favor and His blessings…..and then I saw the first one….a snake so repulsive that all joy and delight seemed to drain from my spirit in an instant….it left me shaking inside….but more than that it left me reeling…feeling abandoned, unsafe….the joy of our Eden stolen.

 What’s the big deal you ask? Believe me I have asked myself the same thing over and over. I’ve pleaded. I’ve wrestled.  I’m going to be totally honest here but I hate wrestling and although I know (in my head) God honors our wrestling, I would much rather run and hide. Just like Adam and Eve did in the garden I would rather take cover. However, just as with Adam, God is calling me to come out of hiding….to step out of hiding & rebellion and step into His truth. But doing so means that I must face myself, face my longings, face my wounds, face my idols and face Him…and no amount of spiritual makeup can make me more acceptable, more presentable to Him…but Lord knows I try.

 Today I felt so heavy in myspirit and after a dear friend phoned me, prayed with me and spoke words of life and truth to me I finally asked the Lord what was going on. I knew the snake had triggered something but what? The Holy Spirit then brought to mind an incident when I was a young girl. My cousin (who was 10 years older) and I often played “sword fighting”. We would find willow branches, peel off the bark and make swords out of them.

One day he called me outside and asked if I wanted to play sword fighting. Eager to play I agreed. Standing only feet from me with both hands behind his back he asked which sword I wanted. I chose one, but it was the wrong choice because instead of a willow branch he thrust towards me a snake. It was alive and writhing. I screamed, burst into tears and ran into the house terrified. And of course no one was there to console me; my only saving grace was that he knew he couldn’t bring it into the house.

 But more than the fear of the snake was the awareness that I had been deceived, betrayed. Looking back it really wouldn’t have made any difference as to what choice I’d made, left or right hand; it would have been the wrong choice.

 Instances like this, which seem insignificant or small, are not insignificant to a child who has been abused. Betrayal such as this is often the norm for children of abuse; their homes are already unpredictable and dangerous setting the stage for devastating sexual abuse.

Please understand I am not saying that all boys who chase girls with snakes are abusers, that’s not what I’m saying. What I am saying is that as a child this was simply one more devastating incident in the life of a little girl betrayed over and over….a child deceived.

 Let me further explain. Dan Allender says that something deep inside us reacts to deception and betrayal. Betrayal not only inflames doubt and severs relationship with others, but also inevitably deepens hatred for ourselves. The one who was betrayed assumes that she could have prevented the betrayal if she was less needy or naïve.

A child longs for legitimate healthy relationship, love, acceptance and nourishment yet when they are offered what appears to be good, and it turns out to be horrific and awful, it creates a catch 22 situation. As Allender says; “The victim of abuse is left thirsty and then is forced to participate in consuming something that both touches the legitimate thirst of her being, while also destroying the very aspect of her being that has been relationally aroused.”

So what does this have to do with the snake on the beach? I felt betrayed by God. I had asked God for a blessing and I got a snake was where my train of thought went. I was angry and hurt. I thought of the Scripture in Matthew where it talks about effective prayer;

 7 “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

 9 “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? 10 Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! 11 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him?”

Would God betray me, would He truly give me a snake when I asked for blessings…and so began my wrestling.

Could God be trusted?

Was He safe?

I’m going to leave off here for now, and although I am still trying to process my thoughts and get it down in writing something broke loose today. I still don’t fully understand it all, but I can breathe!! I know God is taking me somewhere and now instead of fearing the process I am welcoming it.

 …to be continued.

How to Feel Pain May 18, 2009

What should we do with pain?  I’ve tried repression and denial.  I’ve tried boxing it up and walling it off.  But ignored pain festers and grows stronger when I’m not looking.  I’ve tried honest acceptance.  I’ve tried knowing it and walking through it.  But like waves in the ocean there is a lurking undertow that can pull me down too deep.  

There is a third choice.  Between blindness and indulgence lies a place of safety.  I must be present with my pain.  I must experience it for what it is and allow it to pass through me.  Like lightening flashes down a rod on its way to the ground, pain is not meant to linger.  I must let the pain pass through me and go to God.  He stands waiting to receive it.  He stands ready to bring comfort.

God bless you!

Dismantling the Wall……. May 16, 2009

I’m not sure how to begin this post other than to say that the last couple months have been a struggle for me. If you’ve followed along you know that my husband and I took a much needed vacation to Mexico. It was a wonderful time, yet, while we were there twice I came across a sea snake while walking on the beach.

So many emotions ran through me when I saw them. Fear of course being the biggest. Yet, it triggered something else, something deeper. Was it the reaction of not feeling safe, of being abandoned, I’m not exactly sure. What I do know is that I slowly began to withdraw. I did what I often did as a child….I withdrew into myself, withdrawing in silence. This silence shrouding me like a safe blanket, protecting me from further disappointment, pain and fear….or so I thought.

To the world, my husband, friends and family I appeared the same….but something slowly began to change in my relationship with the Lord….I stopped conversing….I stopped listening….slowly I allowed a wall to be built between Him and I.

And even though I faced my fear that week and went back in the water, making the choice to not allow fear to steal my joy, something happened in my heart….and so…..I’m going to spend some time writing and sharing here as I embark on this journey of discovery. I am reading Brennon Manning’s book called Abba’s Child and I sense that God will use it to take me deeper, to uncover and reveal new truths.

 For some time now my words here have felt like a mist, a vapor floating for the briefest of moments then slowly fading away….offering nothing ….even to my own ears…my own heart…and so as I wrestle I am inviting you along on the journey.

 I realize that I am venturing away from my usual blogging but I sense that if for no other reason this is for my own healing…I pray that as you read along something I say may speak to you as well….but most of all I invite you to journey along with me as my friend.

How Can I Honor An Abusive Parent? May 15, 2009

By Danni Moss
Copyright protected, all rights reserved

(This is written with the parent as male gendered, only because I had to pick one. It applies equally to male and female parents.)

How do I respect an abusive parent?

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Exodus 20:12

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;)
That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

Gal. 6:1-3

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

Col. 3:20

The church teaches “children obey your parents” and “children honor your parents” – but if the issue of domestic violence in marriage is largely invisible in the church, you can bet the issue of honoring an abusive parent is even further off the radar. What do you do when your parent is abusive?

First of all, the situation is different if you are still a minor under their care or if you are an adult. If you are a child and under their care, you need to go to a counselor and tell them what is going on. That is not dishonor, as I will explain shortly.. If you are an adult, that parent does not have as much immediate dominance, and the power of the law, standing behind them.

So what is honor and obedience, in the context of a parent/child relationship?

Honor – to give weight, to promote (Hebrew kabad)
Obey – to hear under (as a subordinate), i.e. to listen attentively; by implication, to heed or conform to a command or authority:–hearken, be obedient to, obey. (Greek hupakouo)
Honor – to prize, i.e. fix a valuation upon; by implication, to revere:–honour, value. (Greek timao)

The church teaches children obey/respect your parents as a necessity for God’s blessing – after all it is the first commandment with a promise of long life! Who doesn’t want that? However, the way this is taught is shallow and takes no account of situations that are not quite cut and dried. This is particularly difficult for children with an abusive parent because our Christian culture has all eyes on children being obedient and respectful, and tends to easily accept the side of a parent who claims their child is disobedient and disrespectful.

Let’s look first at the word obey in the Greek verses. It means “…to listen attentively, to heed or conform to a command or authority…”

The verse says children are to obey their parents in all things. Does that mean in ALL things? If a parent tells a child to commit a crime, or expects their participation in criminal behavior, is that child supposed to obey his parent? If a parent tells or expects a child to participate in behavior which is clearly and directly against the Word, is that child supposed to obey his parent?

Stating the obvious, we cannot take one or two verses out of the context of the whole of the Word and make a doctrine out of them. The Word also says,

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Mt. 10:37

This principle is universal across Scripture. To put any human directive above God’s is idolatry. We can’t put the command for children to obey their parents above our primary focus on loving God. Wherever there is a variance between a parent’s expectations and God’s, the parent’s expectations cannot be met.

A child’s obedience would also be limited to the duration of his childhood, during which he was under his parent’s authority. Once he is no longer a child, but an adult, the directive has obviously expired. Obedience as a child does not extend into adulthood. It would be foolish to assume an adult must obey their parent in all things when they are living separate adult lives. However, this idea is used by abusive parents to extend their authority far beyond reasonable boundaries.

In these verses, obedience and honoring are obviously considered synonymous. However, the church seems to emphasize honoring as a separate action and attitude than obedience.

So, let’s look closely at the meaning the word honor, both in the Hebrew and Greek. Is there any indication or implication present to assume that a child is required by God to remain in relationship with an abusive parent?

I can value my parent as a person and as a person who gave me life, without being in any type of relationship with him whatsoever. Honoring a parent is about my attitude toward him – that is all that is required by the Word.

But honoring a parent does not mean I must accept unrighteousness. Honor will keep me from answering back in kind when someone is treating me inappropriately because, as a person created in God’s image, he does not “deserve” that, no matter his behavior. I respect God’s creation – it is not about the man or his behavior.

However, because I respect him as God’s creation, I will not and cannot enable him to continue in sin by doing nothing when he has persistent sin against me and against God that he will not address or acknowledge. I respect him enough to attempt to turn a sinner from the error of his ways. In a respectful manner.

Let’s take a quick look at what honoring is not:

• Staying in relationship with someone who will hurt me or those for whom I am responsible.
• Never saying anything to anyone about the other’s “faults.”
• Enabling a sinner to remain in sin by my silence and inaction.
• Thinking a person is “wonderful” when they are not.
• Having feelings of love.

Giving honor is a choice, not a feeling.

That said, an abuser cannot expect not to have consequences for his/her behavior. Parents are not immune from consequences. When a parent has indicated a persistent pattern of abuse, it is fully appropriate to sever relationship with that person so they do not have the power to continue to cause pain and to continue in sin with the child’s blessing through ignoring or tolerating it.

The book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, by David Cloud and John Townsend is very helpful to learn to see what is and is not appropriate, and how to step away without dishonoring. It is both possible and appropriate to honor an abusive parent without remaining in relationship with that person if he refuses to respect appropriate relationship boundaries or attempts to insist on ungodly behavior. Again, honoring God takes precedence if the parent makes demands in violation of godliness.

In light of the prevalence of abuse in today’s church, this subject needs to be taught with more sensitivity and depth. Hitting the highlights without a deeper understanding has the negative side effect of piling guilt and condemnation on people who have an abusive parent in their life.

http://dannimoss.wordpress.com/

Filed under: Theology, abuse and the church, child abuse, child sexual abuse, parenting | Tagged: abuse and the church, abusive parent, child abuse, family abuse, parental abuse