Thankful Musings November 27, 2008

Today in America is a day to give thanks.  I must have more reason than anyone I know to be grateful.  Here are just a few:

• two beautiful and intelligent daughters who love me and their dad and God
• a strong and good husband who loves me enough to die for me
• a church family where I feel at home and loved and accepted
• friends for the journey who really care
• this blog where I can express myself
• my blogging partner who is a faithful sister to me
• readers who take the time to stop by and offer an encouraging comment or share a common struggle
• a job I really enjoy that provides for my family (that means a lot to a kid who grew up on welfare)
• the beginnings of long awaited healing with the promise of more
• courage to take a hard look inside myself and ease the grip of fear
• God – my true King and Lord and Father – who still hasn’t given up on me

What are some things you are thankful for?

Forgiving ourselves… November 26, 2008

Why do we need to forgive ourselves? I don’t know if you are like me but sometimes I avoid the things that take more work than they seem to be worth. But maybe that’s the key….it IS worth it. Even more so, perhaps it’s crucial.

Let’s continue to look at self-forgiveness.

1) God says I have to. The second greatest commandment Jesus states is to love my neighbor as myself. Mark 12: 30,” and you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. 31: The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”

 

Everything that applies to loving everybody else applies to me, too. Put that next to the part about forgiving your neighbor seventy times seven times — in other words, as many times as someone sins against me—I am stuck with forgiving myself every darn time I mess up. Every time!

2) If Bible verses themselves don’t convince you, look at the why that underlies those passages of Scripture. Author Stephen Arturburn says: “Did you think God just made that stuff up at random because He’s God? There’s a reason behind all of it, and the reason behind forgiveness is that if you don’t let go of the stuff you’ve done – which may indeed be awful it’s going to eat you alive. Non-forgiveness of self leads to self-loathing which leads to hateful treatment of yourself. That can manifest itself in anything from obesity to anorexia, from the kind of rage that ruins relationships to the inability to form them in the first place. Holy crow, the list of possible ramifications is endless. The way to begin to be released from them is limited to one — stop beating yourself up, accept the fact that you’ve sinned, perhaps grievously, and take whatever steps to make amends so you can move on.”

3) Think about what the Bible doesn’t say. I haven’t yet found a verse that tells me to hold onto every misdeed I’ve ever committed until I hate being inside my own skin with all that garbage. Neither have I found a passage that says no matter how many times I take it to God I still have to drag it around until it weighs me down so much I can’t even move.

So if I don’t forgive myself or my own sin…what am I going to do with it?
Like matter, it can’t be created or destroyed. It can only be turned into something else. Am I going to let it turn into a memory that discolors my life?

The Prodigal Son November 22, 2008

(OK, maybe I should explain.  I got to thinking about forgiveness and what comes with being forgiven.  I wrote this from the perspective of the Prodigal Son.  I hope you like it.)

 

I bathed five times and rubbed my skin with rose petals.  I burned my clothes and shaved my hair.  It might be my imagination, but as my trembling hand pauses on this old familiar wooden door I can still smell the pigs.

 

A hundred eyes wait for me on the other side of the door.  The side where the wine flows freely and the song of the lyre drips like honey.  But I’ve already looked into the eyes that matter and those eyes told me all I need to know.  

 

In all my life I’ve never seen him run like he ran to me today, his robe hiked up in his belt like a common worker.  The disgrace he wore was mine, should have been mine.  Standing there in my father’s arms I cried like I haven’t cried since I was a little boy.  We both cried until we ran out of tears, until all I could hear was the sound of dry leaves scuttling across the path like so many crabs at the seaside.  He didn’t say much but the relief I saw in him only thinly veiled the pain and worry I had put him through.  I meant what I said, ‘I am not worthy to be called your son’.  But he wouldn’t listen.   Sometimes I think forgiveness is harder to take than it is to give.

 

This isn’t what I wanted.  If I could only work for him like I had planned.  I could serve them anonymously, alone with my shame.  In so many ways that life would be easier than living with the disappointment in my brother’s eyes.  For the rest of my life I’ll be living on his charity.  I’ve spent my part of the fortune.  Asking for my cut with my father still alive was like telling the world I wished he was dead.  My brother may never forgive what I’ve done.  But what I’m about to do is not for him.

 

My father wants things back the way they were.  His love powers the courage I need to walk through this door, the courage to put the past behind me, the courage to forgive myself.  Standing on the path I looked deep into his eyes and what I saw changed me forever.  I saw an image of myself reflected there, me but not me.  Gone were the smelly clothes, the dirty hands and ratty beard.  In my father’s eyes I was stood strong and tall and glorious.  In my father’s eyes I am a prince and from now on I will do whatever I must do to be the man he sees.

Why is it so hard? Continuing on with self-forgiveness. November 20, 2008

 

 As we continue to explore self-forgiveness I think we need to ask ourselves why it’s so hard to grant ourselves the same grace we give everyone else. Even on a daily basis we grant forgiveness and grace; to our spouses, our co-workers, or if we are parents to our children.

 

Author Stephen Arterburn says, “I’ve always believed that half the battle in changing something is in finding out why the thing is there in the first place.”

Isn’t that so true?

Perhaps someone in our past – a parent, a misguided minister, or a relative influenced us to believe it was dangerous to let any misdeed slip out of memory, and made very sure it didn’t.

 

Perhaps over time the guilt has become as constant and dependable a companion. We get comfortable with it, we think…but in truth it slowly eats away at us.

 

Or perhaps we get confused about what forgiveness really means and buy into the myth that forgiving is the same as forgetting. Too often we believe it means we’re letting ourselves off some hook we’re supposed to be hanging on.

 

Each of us may have your own reasons. I’d love to hear them. But I have learned that whatever reasons we may come up with for why we can’t forgive ourselves – they’re all wrong.

 

A picture…. November 18, 2008

Have you ever gone through photos of yourself as a child and has one ever jumped out at you? I encourage you to do this little experiment and find a photo of yourself before age 10. Put the picture where you can see it often, and talk to her. Sounds strange I know, but hang in here with me.

 You many need to look through all your photos until you find “the one”…the one that would show you anything that you might believe about yourself. Keep looking until you find the one that speaks to you.

You’ll know the one when you see it. The one of the little girl who calls out to you to find out what you believed about yourself the day the picture was taken.

After you have put it where you can see it often then talk to her (or him for the men reading along) and ask her what she believes about herself.

After you’ve given yourself some time, days perhaps, sit down and write a letter to the little girl. Tell her whatever you want to tell her. Why? Because she is the only one who goes far enough back with you to help you see how you got here, where you are today.

This is not an easy exercise, but one that I found to be helpful. It asks us to offer encouragement to ourselves, to parent ourselves. What would you, as an adult, tell that little girl?…what words would you offer to her?…As a grown woman, a mother now,I can take the photo of myself as a little girl and hold it to my chest, the maternal in me reaching out to that small child…. I can weep for her, I can offer love and encouragement, and I can tell her the truth.

Whatever it is in the picture that needs to be spoken to-speak it or perhaps it’s what’s missing in the photo that needs to be offered-then offer it. Write it all down….be gentle with this little girl, this child.

And let the tears come…let them fall…there is healing in the release of tears. Our Lord has promised healing…

If you choose to do this with a photo of yourself, and if you feel that you can, I would love to hear what was revealed to you…what encouragement and truth you offered to that little girl…

A House Divided November 15, 2008

part of me has put the past behind me

                    part of me is still angry about being abused

part of me feels like a responsible adult

                    part of me still feels six years old

part of me responds appropriately to every crisis

                    part of me still flies off the handle without thinking things through

 

part of me wants most of all to fit in

                    part of me still wants be heard

part of me makes excuses for people 

                    part of me still treasures the truth about them

part of me pardons those who hurt me

                    part of me still cries out for justice

 

part of me lives in a state of denial

                    part of me is still honest

part of me belittles whatever is messy

                    part of me still refuses to be silenced

part of me is precious to God

                    part of me is still precious to God

Self-forgiveness November 14, 2008

Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?

 

Maybe you are not like me…maybe you can forgive yourself no problem. But for me, well…truthfully I find it easier to forgive others than to forgive myself many times. 

 

Why is that? I can sit down and pray, giving up all the guilt and remorse. I can sincerely give it over to God, saying I let it go….and that lasts for, oh, maybe 15 minutes or so and then I find I am picking it up again. Then the voice of regret begins to whisper once again reminding me of my past.

But you know what? I don’t think I am alone in this. Like I read somewhere once that we can hold out the olive branch to everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves, we only bring it close enough to grab the occasional leaf off of the thing.

 

I think the stones we throw at ourselves are the ones that hit the hardest, and leave the deepest bruises.

 

Self-forgiveness seems so elusive sometimes…why is that? Why is it so hard, and even more-why do we have to do it, and how can we?

 

I confess that I still carry around my own stone. *quiet tears*….but as I process, journal and pray I trust and believe and know that healing will come, and it will get easier to forgive myself… already I feel the grip on the stone lessening.

 

I’m going to be exploring this in the next while…I hope you will join me in this journey and share your experiences and what you have learned regarding self-forgiveness.

Writer’s Block November 14, 2008

When Connie and I talked about starting this blog I had already written all the stories in the category ‘A Farewell to Shame’.  I knew I could post those one at a time but I didn’t think I had anything else to say.  I posted those stories and surprised myself when more blog posts came in between.  This week has been a dry spell.  I find myself pausing to dip my bucket one more time into wisdom’s well – wondering what I’m going to draw out next.

My life is something like this blog.  Sometimes God seems so close to me I can feel Him.  Sometimes His presence seems like a distant memory.  Both ways of feeling are important along this journey.  When the cycle loops around again I remember the opposite extreme and remind myself that it’s all part of a process.  I imagine myself spiraling inward toward the relationship with Him I was meant to have.

Where are you in your walk with God tonight?

An Invitation Down a Rabbit-Hole November 8, 2008

I have this thing about the book of Isaiah.  How I read it depends on my mood.  Now that I think about it, that can be said for the rest of the Bible as well.  I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this yet, but we have an accuser and he is not God.  When the cloak of intimidation is drawn back I have found that our enemy is nothing more than a cravenly finger-pointer.  When I am alert enough to observe my thoughts wandering to negativity toward others, toward myself and even toward God a flashing light and siren should go off.  I have crossed into enemy territory.

But I was talking about Isaiah.  It’s a complicated book, rich with extremes but steady on relationship.  It’s a lover’s fight between two parties who are nothing if not intense.  In Isaiah, God exposes the jealous vulnerability of His passion for His wayward bride.  He strongarms, reasons, threatens, and begs for her faithfulness.  And when her heart returns He rushes to swoop her up with the tender compassion of a worried mother.  His love for her is true as is His love for me, for you.

Under the influence of Satan I read and interpret the negativity and threats of this classic work as directed straight at me.  Each word of condemnation pins me to the wall like a fiery arrow, while the solace and hope of love and restoration rings hollow to my ears, so convinced am I that it must be meant for someone else.  I’d be better off leaving my Bible alone on days like that.

If you’re still following me on this scattered monologue I admire your tenacity.  I’m trying to say that how I read the Bible is more important than what I read or how much.  I’ve forced myself in the past to  be spiritual with a crowbar and a sledgehammer.  I didn’t have much luck with that and I don’t recommend it.   When we approach the Holy Scriptures wearing the glasses of our own badness or our own goodness we have lost the battle before we have begun.  It’s not about me at all.  It’s His story.  His love.  His heart revealed in Glory.  I am invited to come along; and that invitation, for me, is enough.

Having gone down a different trail with this post than I meant to, I’ll leave my favorite thoughts from Isaiah for another day.  But in the mean time I invite you to take a look at the book.  It’s a good read and it really picks up as it goes.

Peace.

A Radiant Bride November 2, 2008

Just this past week the Lord gave me a vision that healed a part of my heart long ago wounded, and long ago buried.

 On my wedding day some 30 years ago, although I was dressed in white and felt like the radiant bride, something happened that took that joy away and clothed me instead with a garment of shame and sadness.

 

It was just before the reception when my aunt took me aside into a small room adjacent to the main hall, to talk to me she said. I had no clue as to what she could possibly want to say to me. But I followed her, cautiously optimistic, hopeful even. Could this possibly be one of those times when a mother would take her daughter aside and say beautiful, life giving words to her, just like in the movies I thought?

 

She only spoke a few words to me that day as she looked me square in the eye and said words that wielded a death blow to the one day where I felt like a beautiful, accepted and loved woman.

 

She said simply, “Your marriage will never work, because you will never be satisfied.”

That’s it…no explanation, nothing. She walked out of the room and I stood there for a few seconds more, baffled….and bleeding….my heart wounded….now I was supposed to go out and pretend that all was okay. I was to enjoy the rest of my wedding day? How? How could I face people, is this how they saw me? Is this what my new husband saw? I felt ashamed and hurt. No longer did I feel the radiant bride, instead I felt dirty and ashamed. I felt stained. My beautiful wedding dress felt heavy and torn. I hid the tears and found the courage to walk out and face the guests and my new husband. But something was lost that day.

 

I internalized her words and I interpreted her words to mean I was selfish. Her words set me up to believe and accept that I was selfish, that I could never be satisfied and from then on I strove to not be selfish. Everything I did from then on, I did to prove I was not a selfish person.

 

Her words were like a curse that day….and it followed me around like a dark shadow…..casting its distinct glow on all that I did as a wife, a mother, a friend, a woman of God. I donned the cape of superwoman just to prove I was not selfish, that I could be satisfied with even the crumbs under the table….I could settle for anything less than ideal, even if it hurt me or cost me something.

 

Then, two weeks ago out of the blue the thought came to me that on my wedding day I really didn’t feel worthy of wearing a beautiful, white wedding gown. After all I wasn’t a pure, spotless bride. I was tainted and ashamed. Hmm, I thought…I think God may be wanting to tell me something here…I’ve learned that when things like this from the past pop into my mind that often it is God preparing my heart for revelation.

 

Then one day last week as I was speaking with my counselor I realized that what my aunt had said to me was a curse. So we went to the Lord and prayed about it. As I renounced the curse and the effect it had on me and also repented of any bitter-root judgments I had against my aunt, the Lord gave me a vision.

I once again saw myself in that little room with my aunt, but this time after she left and I stood there alone….I looked up and saw the Lord standing there with me. He simply placed His hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. Smiling, He wrapped around me a beautiful robe of pure, dazzling white; it shimmered in the light of His radiance. He then took me by the hand and walked with me out of that room and into the waiting hall and room full of guests. As I walked out I sensed not shame, but a radiance…I realized that the radiance not only shone from the One walking beside me but it shone from me as well….I was no longer clothed with the cloak of shame but rather a radiance that came from Him and warmed me from head to toe…clothed in His brilliance and enveloped in His love…..the shame was gone……I once again felt like a radiant bride awaiting her husband…..and then together we walked out into the room and He gathered me in His arms and we danced.

 

The shame, the wound, the striving was gone….I felt like I could now rest in His presence and in those around me….no more striving….no more guilt, no more shame….I was accepted in the beloved….a pure, radiant, spotless bride….clothed in the robes of righteousness, robes that had been purchased by my Lord….He had paid the ultimate price for my healing, for my joy, for my acceptance, for my freedom….for me….I stand next to my husband now of 30 years and I feel worthy…worthy because of Christ and all that He has done for me and all that He is….