Forgiveness Part 2 – More Stuff Forgiveness is Not October 31, 2008

Continuing on with the last topic…

#6 Forgiveness is not saying ‘it’s OK’ when it’s not OK.  That’s not forgiveness, that’s lying.  There are some times when it really is OK, and at those times saying ‘it’s OK’ is fine.  For example, when there’s been some small infraction that doesn’t require forgiveness — it really is OK.  No harm done.  Or when something happened that was unfortunate, but not wrong. Sometimes you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and unknowingly or unwillingly set off a chain of events and cause some minor damage to someone.  In those cases ‘it’s OK’ is a perfectly fine thing to say.  But there are other times when real wrong was committed that steps up to the level that requires real forgiveness.  In those times I can sometimes feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up straight when I hear the offended party saying ‘it’s OK’.  I think saying that demeans real forgiveness when it happens.  (Don’t worry, I always manage to keep my thoughts to myself.)

#7 Forgiveness is not blocking things out of your mind.  That’s not forgiveness, that’s dissociation and it’s a bad idea.  Take my word for it.  I believe there are some cases where a person could forgive so completely that the offense could be completely forgotten.  But I believe there can also be deep and true forgiveness without forgetting the offense.

#8 Forgiveness is not always preceded by repentance.  Holding out until the person who hurt you repents only hurts you even more.  Sometimes the long awaited apology never comes and sometimes it can’t come because the person who hurt you is dead or you don’t know who he or she is.  I’ve heard people say that God doesn’t expect us to forgive people unless those people are sorry for what they did.  That never made sense to me.  Why should my suffering be compounded by not getting the blessing of forgiving someone because the person who hurt me is unable or unwilling to be sorry for what they did? 

#9 Forgiveness is not easy.  You can’t do it until you are ready.  Sometimes you have to forgive more than once because you get a chance to forgive at deeper and deeper levels when the pain comes back around.  Each chance to forgive again is a blessing, not a failure.

Forgiveness October 29, 2008

I am no expert in forgiveness.  But in my search to give and receive forgiveness I have learned several lessons about what forgiveness is not.

#1 Forgiveness is not forgetting in the sense of letting people continue to hurt you.  You can remove yourself from dangerous or negative situations and still be a forgiving person.  Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone who is hurting you is to stop giving them the opportunity to continue hurting you.

#2 Forgiveness is not excusing.  A professional counsellor once told me that I would know when I had forgiven if I could say that the people who hurt me did the best they could do.  I couldn’t disagree more.  First of all, I can’t know for sure if someone did or didn’t do the best they could do because I can’t see their heart.  Second, we all have wounds and our wounds predispose us to hurt each other in ingrained, almost scripted ways but that is completely different from saying people always do the best they can do.  If we always do the best we can do we have no free will and no reason to try to do better.  That’s one philosophy I just can’t stomach.  Third, if there’s a true excuse for what you did then you don’t need to be forgiven because you are already excused for it.

#3 Forgiveness is not restitution.  I guess what I mean is that getting forgiveness is different than paying something back.  If I get mad and throw and smash my daughter’s cell phone I should definitely buy her a new one.  But buying a new cell phone doesn’t automatically make me forgiven.  As a separate issue she can choose to forgive or not forgive me for what I did.  It’s also not the same as trusting me again – like letting me hold her cell phone when I’m angry – but that goes more to point number one.  By the way, I didn’t really smash my daughter’s cell phone or any other cell phones – it was just an example.  I considered going with the neighbor’s broken window story but I think that one gets overdone.

#4 Forgiveness isn’t the same as ‘making up’.  You can’t always make nice with someone – but you can always forgive.

#5 Forgiveness doesn’t always take away the pain.  Sometimes you do everything you can do and still have to live with the consequences.  That works for the one who forgives and the one who is forgiven.

Well, that’s a start.  I have a feeling I have some more learning and some more blog posts about this topic inside of me.  What lessons have you learned about forgiveness?  I really want to know.

Four Things October 27, 2008

These things are beautiful beyond belief;
The pleasant weakness that comes after pain,
The radiant greenness that comes after rain,
The deepened faith that follows after grief,
And the awakening to love again.
-Author unknown

Growing Pains October 24, 2008

The devotionals I’ve been writing (co-writing actually) under the ‘Names of God’ category are part of a prayer path we did recently at an event for our church. It turned out to be a very powerful experience for those of us who went through it. If you’re interested in using it, email me at tearsinabottle.tamarshope@yahoo.com and I’ll send you a copy and a brief description of how it works.

In the days around the event I’ve been … not sure how to put it … suffering I guess. I had a lot of anxiety. The funny thing was that I was not anxious because I thought it would be bad, but anxious because I thought it would be good. I knew it would be good. And that scared me. Through the process I was surprised to realize that I’m afraid to shine. I’m afraid that if I find ‘my thing’ and do it well that it will hurt the people I love, and that they’ll leave me.

Sounds crazy, I know. But it helped to understand where the shame and fear was coming from. Thanks for listening.

The Eternal One October 21, 2008

We humans want to give God a name. To describe, to understand, to measure, to relate, ultimately to control. This desire is not a new phenomenon. Thousands of years ago Moses stood in God’s presence and asked His CREATOR to define Himself. ‘Whom shall I say sent me?’ God replied, ‘I AM WHO I AM’.

God simply and always IS.

The Hebrew Tetragammon YOD – HEH – VAU – HEH is a description of EXISTENCE – with each of the four letters condensed from the words ‘I was’, ‘I am’, and ‘I will be’. This word sometimes translated as Jehovah in English and considered too holy to utter in Hebrew is less a name than a declaration that the ONE being described is indescribable. He is the ONE who cannot be named.

Who, then, is this ONE we love? He is CREATOR, PROVIDENT, LORD OF HOSTS, KING, REDEEMER, the ONE who SEES. He is the HOLY ONE, the LORD who SANCTIFIES, the COMPASSIONATE. He is our PEACE.

God is Himself the answer to all of life’s questions. Why, then, is life so hard? Partly because our relationship with God is the center of a spiritual battle and is met with brutal opposition. Partly because we hold back. We want to maintain control of our lives and our destinies. In the process we trade our divine birthright for a life of quiet desperation. We settle for a compromise: to keep the status quo and add on a little bit of God.

But God wants it all. The metaphor of Christian baptism is an expression of our desire to give God everything. To dive into His love with reckless abandon, to be caught up in the rush of our living commitment to Him. The song Dive by Stephen Curtis Chapman speaks of God as a deep and compelling river and urges each of us to throw ourselves headlong into the adventure He is calling us to. May you dive in to life with Him.

This Victim Can Return to Her Seat October 17, 2008

So I got selected for jury duty yesterday and today. As part of the selection process I had to fill out a personal questionnaire. Had I or any member of my family ever been arrested? Was I employed in law enforcement? Had I ever been convicted of a crime? Had I ever been a victim of a crime?

A victim of a crime? There was a time when I would have answered that question no in all good conscience, so deep was my denial. But now I have come to a sad state of resignation that 1) my memories of my experiences are true and valid 2) what I experienced constitutes child abuse regardless of how my parents choose to define it and 3) child abuse is a crime. Have I ever been a victim of a crime? Yes I have. The court may have meant to ask if the crime had been prosecuted, if the perpetrator(s) had been convicted, if I had formally filed charges. They may have meant to ask if the crime was committed while I was an adult or if I knew it was a crime at the time. A hundred reasons to check ‘no’ darted through my head but in the end I knew what I had to do. I checked ‘yes’ and added the explanation: “I was a victim of child abuse”.

I see these kind of questions with uncomfortable frequency. I dread going to the doctor these days. I’ve had to change primary care physicians about once a year lately due to changing insurance coverage and the shortage of physicians in my state as they are leaving in droves. Each new doctor makes me fill out a medical history form and each form includes the question: “Have you ever been abused?” At those times I think wistfully about the days of my blissful state of blindness. Checking ‘yes’ in that box leads to invasively personal follow up questions about the nature of the abuse, the time frame it happened and the dreaded “Are you being abused now?” I cringe at the thought of my husband’s integrity being questions because of the sins of my fathers. I resent needing to explain and re-explain my most personal wounds to complete strangers on a semi-regular basis. I hate the idea that my ancient family wickedness is still here hovering over the lives of the husband and children I want to love, serve and protect.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful that times have changed. If what has happened to me had happened today I would have been rescued from countless wounds. Children today are aware of their rights and have options. A child today that exhibits the classic symptoms I did are questioned, watched and protected. The days of ‘what happens within the walls of a man’s home is nobody’s business but his’ are long gone and the price we pay for the invasion of our privacy is not small, but is worth it.

So back to the courtroom. There I was sitting in my seat – juror number two – dreading that my name would be called. Praying that just this once they’d let it go. But sure enough the judge called my number and asked me to approach the bench. In court whispers in front of the lawyers I was asked to confirm what I wrote. Did I think I would be influenced by my experience as a victim? Did I think I could give a fair and unbiased evaluation of the facts of the case? Then I could return to my seat. At that point the court clerk turned and announced formally to the room full of people: “This victim can return to her seat.”

I don’t think she was even aware of her slip of the tongue. She meant to say “This juror can return to her seat.” But there I was standing in front of a courtroom full of people — called out as a victim. It stung. And I know it will continue to sting. Each time I have to check ‘yes’ in a little box, each time I have to answer follow up questions I’m faced with a choice about how I want to live my life and with the persistent reminder that I’m not like other people. I’m thankful for the healing I’ve gotten. I want more. I know it won’t be easy and that for everything I get I have to give something up. To get the truth I had to give up the lie. In some ways the lie was easier.

He is waiting to dance…. October 15, 2008

I was browsing through my folder today and came across this…truthfully, because I read so much I am not really sure where I got this from…most likely I read something somewhere and it prompted these words….so these are likely the words of other writer’s mingled with mine…it’s a testement to so many good author’s when they write words that speak so deeply to our hearts that we forget where their words end and ours begin….. I  pray these words speak deeply to the feminine hearts reading here….you are beautiful!!

 

 

 

The bride at the wedding, she is veiled in splendid couture.   She is beautiful, Oh my goodness, is she beautiful!  This is the day she has waited for.  These are the moments she has planned.  The dress is fabulous.  Her hair is perfect.  The veil.  The jewels.  The makeup.  The nails.  The gorgeous lingerie underneath.  Manicured.  Pedicured.  Facialed and exfoliated.  This woman has been styled and sprayed, straightened and smoothed.  She could not be more breathtaking.  She is beautiful and she knows it.  Maybe for the first time in her life, she walks into the room and experiences what it feels like to have every eye on her.

 

 There is something about knowing you are beautiful.  You begin to act beautiful and think beautiful.  You smile a lot and move with grace.  The woman who is beautiful is alluring and captivating.

 

 When a woman knows that she is a beautiful bride, you can see it in her eyes; she is confident.  Brides walk down the aisle believing that they are loved and accepted and desired.  And when a woman walks in that kind of truth, she is made secure.  She stands a little taller.  Her eyes are brighter.  Her words are sure.

 

  She doesn’t have to second-guess herself.  She leans into the moment and let’s herself believe in her abilities, passions, and gifts.  She is not arrogant.  She is just peaceful and assured.  Somebody is wild about her.  Somebody calls her beautiful.

In her confidence and beauty, the bride hears only the words of promise instead of the whispers of unbelief.  She turns away from what has been and looks toward the future to imagine what might be.  She rebukes the bully of fear and trusts in the devotion she has found.

 

 

The king is enthralled with your beauty;

  Honor him, for he is your lord

 Psalm 45:11

 

Verses 13-15 go on to describe how God treats his woman that he is wild about.  Like a princess.  If God calls you His bride or His princess, would you just let it be so?  Can you just rest in His delight for you?

 

 Can you hear me?  Would you trust the words from scripture?  God calls you and me His bride.  Really.  You are a princess to Him.  Truly.  He is wild for you.  Please believe it.  His love for you is unfailing.  You do not have to doubt it any longer.

 

 

      Before you were . . . the moment God first thought of you . . . when He smiled over the purpose and plans He was making for your life – right then, He fashioned for Himself a woman that He fell in love with.  A woman of beauty and strength.  A woman worthy of being called a princess.  A woman made to long for her place . . . the place of the beautiful bride.

 

 

 When I get to Heaven, will God say to me? “You lived in fear and doubt.  You wallowed around in pain and loneliness when I was calling to you all the time.  I kept saying to you, ‘You are My princess.  You are My bride.  You are beautiful and lovely to Me.  You can do it.  Just believe Me.  I am here.  Everything I have said to you is true.  Jump into My arms and dance with Me’.”

 

 

I want you to know the freedom and strength that come from believing so deeply that you are left with no other option.  I want you to dance in the arms of God no matter where life has you right now.  In your pain.  In your despair.  In your loneliness.  In your exhaustion.  In the swirl of children and family and schedules.  Wherever you are, however alone you may feel, don’t miss the words God wants to speak to you.

Sisters, when you and I are dancing in the arms of God, we are close enough to Him to hear Him whisper.  We begin to dance as He dances, move as He moves, and go where He leads.  It’s not so much about me anymore, it’s more about us.  God with me.  Never alone.  Intimate.

 

 If you have believed all your life that you are relegated to wallflower status, to being the one left out, the one never asked to dance…then I am praying that by now you know that is the lie Satan wants you to believe.  The enemy likes for you to feel less than.  He wants you to believe you’re not good enough.  He wants you to be hesitant and afraid.  He wants you to keep saying, “I could never dance like that.”  He knows that your whole life will change if you choose to remain in the arms of God.

 

  Whether blue skies or dark of night, one truth still holds:  God has you.  And this is the promise He has made to you:  He will never let you go.  Will you rest your head on His shoulder and trust?  Will you let Him be God so that you can be cared for?  Will you stop turning away and just dance in His arms?

 

 It is time to be the woman who walks into the room and know in the deepest places of your soul that God calls you beautiful.  There is a peace and strength and energy that come from belonging to Him.  There is a confidence that is captivating.  I want to be that woman.  Everything inside me wants to be a woman who moves with that kind of grace and assurance.  Let Him make you captivating.

 

 It is time . . .  my precious, little butterfly, It is time . . .   butterfly

enjoy dancing in His arms.

Today I choose… October 12, 2008

Today I am beginning to open the doors.

It may be a long time before I can pry some of them open.

I have hidden many memories behind them.

I may become frightened as I begin opening these doors.

I may become very angry as I open them.

I may weep and experience desperate sadness.

I may experience a sense of being more alone than I have ever

dared to imagine.

But today I am beginning to open doors.

 

Today I have charted my course.

I am not going to turn back now.

I am committed to my tomorrows, to new freedom, to feeling

pure again, and to healthy relationships.

I am committed to wholeness.

and God is committed to my healing also.

 

I have been abused.

Today I will begin sharing my story, as I am able.

I will not keep it a secret any longer.

I don’t want to carry this burden one more day of my life.

I want to feel clean and pure again.

I want to look people in the eyes and smile warmly, openly. I want to know that they love me.

 

Today I am willing to let God help me.

I will not ask Him to do for me that which I am

not willing to do for myself, to move from victim to victor…

I know there is healing that only He can

accomplish within me- healing that I cannot

do alone.

 

Today I am going to begin to let other’s help me too.

They don’t have all the answers, but they can help me learn to

trust again.

 

Today I am beginning to open the doors.

I want the wholeness of sunlight and happiness in my life.

Although I can’t change the past, I can begin to shape my todays and tomorrows.

Today I begin. This is my journey toward wholeness. I will not turn back.

(Adapted from the Healing Path-John P. Splinter)

 

Laying it all at God’s Altar… October 10, 2008

Waters of refreshing & a safe haven for hearts that are weary or battle worn, these are the two lines that keep going around in my head.

 

Today as with every day I walk in our city park, but today was different…today it wasn’t just for the exercise it was for my soul…today I chose to walk at a slower pace deliberately seeking some tranquil moments…realizing it’s only when I quiet the clamor of the outside world that I can hear the whisper of God’s voice giving me new direction.

 

The sky was overcast, grey and felt dreary as I walked. It matched what I was feeling inside……not depressed, just tired, weary, battle worn….I longed for some reprieve, for some sunshine….as I walked my thoughts turned to the Lord as they usually do when I commune with Him…but today, no words came…all I could say was Abba…and the moment I said Abba, the clouds parted and the sun shone through in all its brilliance marking the path ahead of me with light…..a magical tranquility took over.

 

The trees were a canopy of green covering me and offering their shade and beauty, but the sun was able to penetrate even the thickest foliage and coverage. As the sun created a dappled effect through the trees I saw what I had been too busy in my thoughts to see before; the lush ferns and undergrowth shone many brilliant shades of green, the birds were singing the sweetest songs, and wild daisies and clover waved in the gentle breeze, and the smells were alive- there is nothing like the smells of a forest tickling the senses.

 

I stopped by the gently flowing stream and stood with my eyes closed listening to the sound of the comforting water flowing. It was here the Lord spoke to my heart….and I heard Him. All sights and sounds faded as my Lord whispered to my spirit.

He asked me to bring my heart, my disappointments to Him. He asked me to lay at His altar the expectation I have of myself to always be strong realizing instead He desires to make me into a woman of strength…and there is a difference….would I allow the disappointments in my life to strengthen me and teach me to respond to life in a loving and forgiving manner?…would I allow Him to whisper words of hope and encouragement into my ear that this season shall pass?

 

As I quietly laid at His altar my disappointments and striving and brought them into the light of His promises and blessings I reconnected with my Abba again…striving?- but Lord, didn’t I lay that at the altar years ago?…again His whisper- yes daughter, but there are always new seasons with new expectations and demands, new problems and pain, yet with every season there is new hope….just as the sun comes up every morning, even though sometimes it is hidden by the clouds, each day will bring you a new ray of healing and renewed beauty…. as the soothing sounds of nature surrounded me and the water lapped around the edges of the river bank within moments I sensed the Holy Spirit washing over me and I felt cleansed and a new feeling of well-being washed over me this Scripture came mind, “He has made everything beautiful in His time.”

 

And then He asked if I would trust Him in this confusing, often lonely season? Would I trust those I love to Him? Would I trust that He knows my future and that He is good and trustworthy? Would I trust Him to redeem this season, to bring beauty and goodness in the midst of it and out of it? I said yes to the questions in my head…but I asked that He birth it in my heart as well….

 

….I took my time not wanting to go home and the busyness of life, I wanted to savor this moment…and when I did finally get home; it is no coincidence that this was what I read in my devotional. “If you are in great pain right now, I want to encourage you to hang on. Just as a new day dawns every twenty-four hours, there is also an unshakeable promise that your pain will turn into joy, and your ashes into beauty. Some pain is with us for only a season, and if we persevere through it, we will recognize that God does have something glorious waiting for us-even in this lifetime. Can we trust that the different seasons we go through God will redeem, that some He will use to teach us something, some He will use to bring our healing, some are for building our character, while others are simply painful…but we must believe there is also a season of blessings and beauty. The Scripture was Eccl: 3:11, “He has made everything beautiful in His time.”

 

Abba, thank you for all the wonderful promises that gives us hope. I praise and thank you that this life is not all there is, and that you have wonderful plans for our lives- not just the here and now, but in the glorious future that You have already prepared for us. May we see each incident in this life through the eternal perspective of Your promises…

 

….it is when I pause and look up that I see the sun breaking through the clouds and I get a glimpse of the glorious sky…I see the luminous blue summer sky once more….it is when I quiet my heart long enough and look heavenward that I hear Him speak and become aware once again of the majestic magnitude of my God, the Creator of heaven, earth and my soul. When I quiet the clamor of the outside world I can hear the whisper of God’s voice giving me new direction and hope. He sustains me.

 

 

same old same old October 8, 2008

Will I ever be free of the dread and fear of my parents? Will I ever stop secretly longing for their approval? Will I ever be able to set my heart at rest in the presence of God knowing my relationship with my mom and dad is broken and that they condemn me for it? Will I ever fill that big black hole inside where my parents’ love and acceptance was supposed to fit? Will I ever find someone to take their place, someone I can intimately trust and rely on, or will that whole generation die off and leave me alone? Will God judge between broken me and my broken mother, calling who really left who, who was really wronged, and who really won the elusive goal of God’s acceptance and approval? Or will there be grace enough for both of us?