Some Traits of Families that Tolerate Incest and Child Abuse July 30, 2008

I found this list here:  

http://surrealist.org/gurukula/abusesymptoms.html

I think the combination of tight control, demand for obedience, and a false show of religion often draws abusers to traditional churches to hide and be nurtured. 

 

Poly-abusive

Sexual child abuse is just one of a number of abuses taking place in an incest family. There may also be a history of family violence, substance abuse, and other criminal activity. 

Duplicity, deceit, collective secrets
The incest family hides its embarrassing secrets. 

Rigid and tightly controlled
Incest families have rigid rules to prevent revelation of their secrets. 

Demand for blind, absolute loyalty
Incest families usually have a domineering head of household who rules the family through force. 

Poor boundaries
Disrespect for each others’ privacy, rights, and individuality is common in incest families. 

Parents immature and inexperienced in life
Parents of incest families usually never become fully mature adults. 

Conflictual marriage or troubled divorce
In incest families, this may refer to situations where children are pushed into the drama between a conflicted mother and father. 

No childhood for the children
Incest families are somber and strict places, where the authority figure (usually one of the parents) dictates behavior for everyone else. Rather than let children run around and play, they force children into a regimented routine. 

Chaotic situations, traumatic stress
Incest often takes place in chaotic households, with unstable roots. These families may move often and lack connections to any one community. 

Low level of appropriate touch
In the most toxic incest families all touching is considered taboo. Parents do not hug, caress, or cuddle their children, as normal families do. This is perhaps the most telling symptom of incest. 

Compensating veneer of religiosity
Incest perpetrators often hide behind an external show of religion.

More Lies…. July 27, 2008

Other lies that victims tend to believe and internalize are;

- you are so stupid, so dumb. (Implication: that’s what I’ll tell you so you’ll believe I have the right to “teach” you-a very common excuse for many forms of child abuse)

-wearing shorts is a sin against God (Implication: you were seductive; you sinned against God by wearing certain types of clothing)

-wearing nail polish makes you look like a slut (Implication: only good girls don’t wear nail polish, therefore you are a bad girl and deserving of the abuse)

-flashy or bright colored clothing are unbecoming for a child of God (Implication: you are responsible for your abuse because of the way you dress. God punished you by having you sexually abused)

-we must think of ourselves as the lowest of the low before God will really accept us. (Implication; God wants us to both think and act like victims. We’re worthless) By the way- this is so not true, because of Christ’s willingness to die on the cross God demonstrates the greatest possible love for us,God values us dearly.

-My harshness means I love you (Implication: the more I hurt you, the more I show how much I love you)

-you’re sloppy and messy (Implication: therefore it’s okay for me to abuse you)

-you’re just like your mother (Implication: Mother was a victim so you should be one too)

-your father loves you (Implication:sexual abuse is a form of love)

-our family was normal because we had dinner together every night (Implication: dinner at 6:00 negates the horrible abuse done at 11pm)

-I have to teach you something about sex (Implication:perpetrators are doing the right thing by sexually abusing victims. Further Implication: victims are incapable of learning about sexuality when they reach adulthood)

-wow, what a figure (implication: because you have a good figure I [the abuser] have the right to use it )

-why couldn’t you have been like your sisters? (Implication: you’re not as good as they are: in fact you’re not worthy of healthy relationships)

 

All these have been spoken to victims in recovery groups. I read these years ago in a book written by John Splinter and sadly some were all to familiar….if you are a victim compare these distortions and deceptions with your own. Sometimes we need help from close friends or a qualified counselor to help us sort out truth from distortions.

God’s Word contains good news. He can help us to reframe the picture we have of ourselves. It’s not done by becoming perfect and therefore we think we are pleasing God, it’s done simply by honest prayers. Saying to God, “I don’t want to live like this anymore, please take away the burden and the pain in my life. I want to give it all to You. Please begin by lifting this load and fill me with Your Spirit. Make me whole again. Take all the fragmented pieces of my heart and heal my broken heart. Make me whole again, pure again, lovely again. Come into my life as only You can and help me. Pour out Your healing upon my wounds and cuts. Help me to see myself through Your eyes, restore me and give me a new picture of who I truly am.”

In Christ’s death- pain, sin, evil and brokenness were nailed to the cross and forgiven forever. And then after the cross came the Resurrection….because of Jesus He offers us new life, even after death; wholeness after defilement; healing after suffering; joy after sorrow. No matter how long it may take or how frightening it may seem or how distressing the process commit yourself to His healing touch. Because Jesus Christ is the wonderful healer.

To Forget and be Fruitful July 27, 2008

Of all the heroes of the Bible, the one that I can most relate to is Joseph from the Old Testament.  Joseph suffered abuse at the hands of his older brothers.  He was kidnapped and thrown down into a pit while his brothers bantered about arrogantly above him trying to decide whether or not to let him live.  In the end they decided to sell him so at that least they could make a little money from the transaction.  To be hated at that level changes something inside you.  You lose innocence.

The story of Joseph is the story of a man who tried to do the right thing no matter what it cost him.  What Joseph had to go through and what he gained from it stops me cold when I think about it.  The lessons I learn are few but powerful.  God loves.  God sees.  God remembers.  God works.

Many have said that the climax of the story is the part where Joseph is reunited with his brothers.  At this point Joseph was a real man of power in the world.  Egyptian leaders in those days wore heavy eye makeup.  When the Bible says he had to leave the room because he wanted to cry I can visualize him rushing to his bedroom with black kohl streaking down his cheeks as the healing tears flowed.  Like I said, I can relate.

But for me the real climax of the story happened earlier.  Before God set things straight between Joseph and his family, He set things straight in Joseph’s heart.  The evidence of God’s healing in Joseph and the tender and satisfying climax of the story comes for me when Joseph named his two sons.  The first he called Manasseh which means to forget.  He says, ‘because God has caused me to forget all the troubles I suffered at the hands of my family’.  The second he called Ephraim which means fruitful.  He says, ‘for God has made me fruitful in the land of my misfortune’.   Powerful words of hope and healing.  

I don’t know if God will one day set things right between me and those who abused me.  I dream for and long for that, even though for some of them it is already too late.  Not everyone gets reconciliation – and not everyone gets put in charge of a superpower nation.  But when I see my own children, I know that God has already made reconciliation in my heart.  When I remember, I catch my breath and my heart skips a beat with gratitude and humility.

No matter what happened to you, no matter how you were treated, may Our Good and Faithful Father make you forget the trouble you suffered and may He make you fruitful in the land of your misfortune.

Peace!

My Daily Prayer July 25, 2008

God,

You are my Dad.

You are my Real Dad.

You have always been my real Dad.

Thank you for being my Dad.

Thank you for being such a Great Dad.

God,

I want to Live today.

I want to Feel.

I want to Be.

God,

Thank you for the victories you will send me today.

Help me to recognize the stumbling blocks,

Both large and small,

For the fiery barbs they really are.

May I take the battle seriously,

But not take it personally.

Bring me home soon.

Love 

Lisa

Lies! July 19, 2008

Abuse victims, especially sexual abuse victims have usually lived within a system of distortions and deceptions. I had been a follower of Jesus Christ, a child of God for several years but I was a defeated child of God. I was held captive by internal fences and invisible walls.  I was the prisoner of a lie.

I believed the lies that told me I was nothing, that people had a right to use me and then push me aside, that if I thought of myself then I was selfish, I was not worthy of love. I internalized all this and lived my life always condemning myself, always hardest on myself. I lived my adult life based on the lies I’d been told as a child.

Following is a list of some of the lies I was told while growing up, not only by the perpetrator but also by the adults who were given the responsibility of raising me, one being the mother figure (who lived in denial)…behind each lie is the implication that I internalized.  I am sure that you can relate. You may very well have your own list that you can add to it.

1. If you tell anyone, the family will fall apart, and it will be your fault…(implication-victims are responsible for maintaining the family system and it’s secrets.

2.If you tell anyone I’ll kill the family…(implication-death of a family member will be the victim’s responsibility rather than the perpetrator’s choice)

3. It’s all in the past, why bring it up again? (implication- leaving sexual abuse in the past makes it go away. Ignoring truth is better than facing it…futher implication-you are immature, unstable or wrong for bringing it up and not leaving it in the past)

4.You imagined it (implication- don’t trust your memory or your feelings..doubt yourself)

5. You wanted it (implication-victims enjoy abuse)

6. You deserved it (implication- victims deserve abuse)

7. It was just play (implication- it’s okay to use play as an excuse for sexually abusing a child)

8. I did not do that and you know it! (implication- if the perp puts enough direct pressure on the victim the the perpetrator can make the victim mistrust her memory)

9. You consented to it ( implication- if a perpetrator can manipulate a child to nonresistence abuse, then its okay to abuse)

This is just a short list of lies and implications. As a result of living in an atmosphere of distortions and deception I learned to adopt lies as truth. And as a result I lived with a distorted self-perception. I had many self-messages that over the years God has revealed to me for the lies they were and has enabled me to walk free of many of these lies and live in truth. Some of these self-messages that kept me bound were; I can’t make good decisions, I’m unlovable, if I’m not perfect then I’m nothing, maybe I was not really abused-perhaps my memory is wrong, I’m unattractive, I cannot relate to men, I’m always in the way-making someone angry, if someone is upset then it’s probably my fault, I deserve enery thing that has happened to me, it’s dangerous to let yourself feel, it doesn’t affect me- I can handle it, I’m oversensitive, I shouldn’t cry about this, I’m only good for sex, I must be perfect to be loved….and the list goes on….

It has been a process of applying the truth of God’s Word to my life, of who He says I am and not basing my identity of what I’d been told as a child and believed.

I will be touching on “Lies” for awhile…not just regarding sexual abuse but also some of the lies and implications as a result of physical, verbal, emotional and even spiritual abuse…but for now I will leave off and if you are reading along I pray it will give you some time to process some of your own list of lies and deceptions…and the resulting implication.

I will close with a quote from a wonderful book I just finished reading called The Shack by William P. Young. God is speaking to the main character in the book and says;” Honey, you’re a survivor. No shame in that. Your daddy hurt you something fierce. Life hurt you. Lies are one of the easiest places for suvivors to run. It gives you a sense of safety, a dark place where you only have to depend on yourself. But it’s a dark place, isn’t it?”

The Point of it All July 15, 2008

Something happened to me today that changed everything.  Something I sort of knew shook loose from my head and slipped down through and got lodged deep inside my heart.  

That something was this.  Every single dream, every wish, each random longing, each fleeting fantasy, every daydream, each sadness, every hope, and the sum total of all the angst I feel, have felt, or will ever feel is no more than a simple expression of a singular truth.  My heart was meant to love God.

Desire justly recognized, understood, and set free turns like a heat-seeking missile toward God.  And in the turning it is transformed until sorrow and joy are stirred and churned and dissolved into a solution of hope and satisfaction and the heart pulls closer.

Trust me on this.  Set your pain free.  We know deep down that things are not what things were meant to be.  We grasp for love because God longs to draw us to Him.  We seek solace in food or drink or sex because God means to comfort us with divine compassion.  We hunger to be seen, sought after, or respected because God stamped His image on our souls and waits patiently to unveil His glory in us.

I saw God today.  I walked with Him.  And for a moment it all made sense.

The Gift July 12, 2008

I had a dream.  In my dream there was a very steep hill.  Two people were struggling to climb up the hill at the same time.  One was climbing from the left.  One was climbing from the right.  The two people were each carrying a gift.  They were making their way up the hill so that they could meet each other for the first time and exchange their gifts.  When they finally reached the top, I noticed that both the people looked exactly alike.  The two identical people exchanged their gifts and opened them.  When they had unwrapped them, they held their gifts up next to each other and smiled.  Each gift looked exactly like the other one.

Both the people are me.  I am both the strong person who survived and the weak person who was ignored.  I am both capable and helpless.  I am both whole and broken.  I am both forgiving and angry.  I am both healed and deeply wounded.

The gift is that I know this.  Because I know, I feel both stronger and more vulnerable than I have ever been before.  Because I know, I feel both more courageous and more frightened than I used to be.  Because I know, I feel both more prepared and less ready to live out the rest of my life.  Because I know, I feel more truly myself than I even knew was possible.  The gift is knowing the truth.  The gift is being Me.

Some signs of neglect July 8, 2008

I found a pretty good website with information about child abuse.  I’ll use that information to go through the major symptoms and causes of child abuse.  

It’s never an easy decision to report suspected abuse or neglect.  I’m quoting from the following website in the hopes that it might help someone make decisions in the best interests of a child.  Legally people in some professions are obligated reporters of child abuse and neglect.  Morally all human beings are obligated to protect children.  

 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

Some signs of child neglect:

• Clothes that are dirty, ill-fitting, ragged, and/or not suitable for the weather
• Unwashed appearance; offensive body odor
• Indicators of hunger: asking for or stealing food, going through trash for food, eating too fast or too much when food is provided for a group
• Apparent lack of supervision: wandering alone, home alone, left in a car
• Colds, fevers, or rashes left untreated; infected cuts; chronic tiredness
• In schoolchildren, frequent absence or lateness; troublesome, disruptive behavior or its opposite, withdrawal
• In babies, failure to thrive; failure to relate to other people or to surroundings

A single occurrence of one of these indicators isn’t necessarily a sign of child neglect, but a pattern of behaviors may demonstrate a lack of care that constitutes abuse.

A Strong Woman versus A Woman of Strength July 5, 2008

I came across this poem the other day and it really spoke to me and where I am at right now. If you’ve read The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan Allender you’ll know what I am talking about when I mention the different styles of relating. When I am hurting due to circumstances that I feel are beyond my control I often revert to the tough girl and her way of relating, which is to put up a thick, impenetrable wall. Recently due to circumstances in my life I found my heart0 was becoming hard again. Upon reflection I realized it was to protect my heart, a way to protect myself. It really is nothing less than other-centered contempt.

When I feel things are out of my control I resort to the tough girl…be strong, show no tears or emotions, harden my heart….become the strong woman…I view my longings as sloppy and weak…..not wanting to be needy…..yet, in doing so I lose something of myself.

How do I become a woman of strength yet still remain tender. In 2 Corinthians 12:10(The Message) Paul talks about the grace of Christ being enough…all we need…the weaker I get, the stronger I become. Again in Scripture we find that He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Our strength comes from God’s grace…..once again I am learning that the Kingdom of God is a paradox. I am learning the difference between being a strong woman versus being a woman of strength….and there is a difference…I will come back to this from time to time and share more of my journey in learning this.

I would love to hear your views and heart on this subject…how do you see strength in a woman….what does it look like to you…how would you define it?

 A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape…
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape…

A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything…
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear…

A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her…
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone…

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future…
but a woman of strength realizes life’s mistakes can also be God’s blessings and capitalizes on them…

A strong woman walks sure footedly…
but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls…

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face…
but a woman of strength wears grace…

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey…
but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong

Copyright © 2005 Dee Cheeks

Unexpected Grace July 5, 2008

I went to the river to find beauty.  I was hoping to catch an intensely beautiful sunrise to salve the sting of a bitter disappointment.  But the dense cloud cover from a brooding storm made the event a royal let-down.  The resignation in my heart spoke first.

‘Par for the course’,  I thought.  Have you ever seen a young child disappointed?  Unfamiliar with the possibility of failure a child makes his plans without a remote consideration that he might not get what he wants.  When I see such a child watch the object of his affection slip away I can barely tolerate it.  ’That kid needs to toughen up’, I like to think to myself.  You just can’t be so vulnerable.

How quickly the ambivalence of cynicism rears its ugly head against desire’s fearlessness.  Excuses spring up like weeds.  Sour grapes.

Two swans sliced their way across the river without a ripple — one directly behind the other.  I immediately thought of God and me.  I so wanted the swan in the back to catch up to the leader, to experience the intimacy I desperately long for.  As I watched the gliding race, the gap between the swans would shorten then widen again without warning.  I watched in frustration, until I understood the truth.  The point of my life is not how close or how far I feel from God.  The point of my life is that I follow Him.  Wind and current and a hundred conditions I can’t explain can pull and push and pressure me to give up hope.  But like the swans I saw on the river, the glory and grace of my journey is to glide along with my eyes on Him.  As I turned to leave the two swans were resting in the shallow water together — face to face.